Male friend told me he's in love with me.

[moustachio]

That's it really. A very good long-term male friend told me a few weeks ago that he's always been in love with me.

I am happily married, my friend knows that and I don't really know why he suddenly decided to tell me his feelings. We have always got on so well but now it's really awkward.

Do you think it can go back to normal again?

omaoma that is a sweet story but it is completely different to what has happened with moustachio. Your DH didn't hang after you for years--he did his best to move on, he left it with you until you were single again, he didn't burst in on you with it after you'd been happily married for some years. It's not the same thing at all IMO.

And moustachio, you are already spending so much more time thinking about him than you were before he made his declaration, so he's getting what he wants.

You should tell your husband. Because he should come before this friendship, and because that sort of just-between-us complicity you and your friend will have is the last thing you should have, under the circumstances.

I agree with Josie, if you don't tell your DH, and it does come out somehow and it is clear that you knew about it then it will look awful.

If you don't want to tell your DH, then think very hard about why I guess. I couldn't not tell my DH anything like this then continue as normal with the friend.

You must tell your dh, or it is the start if something

I could tell me DH. I have wanted to, but then it ruins his friendship with my friend too. I'm going to ponder on all this for a few days I think.

I think if he truly cared about you he would have kept this to himself. Is he hoping to wreck your marriage? Not a nice way to behave.

It's a seed he's planted and secrecy will help it grow. You don't necessarily have to be unhappy with your dh for this to happen, just made dissatisfied with some aspects of life, a little bored, a little low on self esteem. And all of a sudden you can't stop thinking about what your friend told you. It makes you feel special, it makes you see him differently. It makes you notice the differences between you and dh, who suddenly doesn't understand you properly. Because you've secret thoughts from him obviously by keeping this from him, but it won't feel that way anymore. You'll start to feel confused and unsettled. You're head will be turned. Honestly, don't take the risk, it's not worth it. Tell your husband.

"it ruins his friendship with my friend"

He's not much of a friend to your DH if he's trying to steal his wife! I'd really rather know if one of my friend's had that little respect for me and my feelings that they would contemplate destroying my marriage.

I have been in your husband's position (in fact still am). A colleague that my husband works with told him that she had feelings for him, the day that her partner chucked her out of the house. He did tell me about it, which I am glad about, but he doesn't seem to have distanced himself, and that has been leading to problems between him and me, as I do feel that she has been making a play for him. Why say it unless they actually want you, and you need to be straight and honest with your friend from the start, whereas my husband hasn't and she emails him, texts him, wants him to take time off work to spend time with her now the kids are back at school, lies about it, and he can't see anything wrong with it.
Tell your husband. It will only seem even worse if he finds out later and do be honest with your friend, otherwise he might keep thinking there is a chance of something happening. Good luck.

I don?t agree that it is a power thing, it sounds to me like it is really a case of being attracted to you and having to say something or to regret it for the rest of his life. As someone above said, unrequited love can be overwhelming (I know from experience) and you either have to do something about it or try to forget about the person.

It could be one of a few reasons that he told you he loved you, maybe he really thought you were attracted to him by something you did or said before you met your husband or the fact that you have had a very easygoing friendship, maybe he was just shy (I know it took my DH 7 years to pluck up the courage to ask me out as we had known each other indirectly for years without getting together).

Friends falling in love is a very common thing And as someone else has said, he is probably mortified now. (As an example 350,000 Google results for ?I?ve fallen in love with my best friend?).

That doesn?t help you I know, but Love or attraction can be an overwhelming thing and can cripple a person if they don?t do something about it. Just read some of these unrequited love poems www.acedate.co.uk/love/poems/25.php it can really eat at a person. But unfortunately if both people really don?t feel the same, it just causes distress.

I don?t think it is a good idea to tell your husband. It will just cause problems to tell him, It is not like you are deliberately withholding information that will damage your marriage, as you haven?t done anything wrong, its just a friend who made a mistake-albeit a big awkward embarrassing one!

You need to think whether you can still be friends with him, and provided that both of you know that there is no chance ever, then can you go on being friends as you were?

Yes, but he has put her in a really difficult position and hasn't thought about her feelings when declaring his love. Why can't people respect others marriages. It is his problem, not hers and he needs to deal with it himself.

I'm afraid I have to agree with letsblow OP. I've been in your situation before and it was only with time and some perspective that I saw that the so-called "friend" who declared his love for me was actually being totally selfish and uncaring. You are married and therefore unavailable, and your friend knows this. So what is the point in putting you in such an awkward position? You're not the one ruining the friendship, he is, by making you feel uncomfortable and guilty about his feelings.

I tried to hang onto the friendship I had, but it was impossible. I felt like I was constantly rejecting him by not returning his feelings and it made me feel like shit. I ended up treating him quite badly which I regret but I also feel I was pushed into it as he expected his declaration to somehow change how I felt about him and when it didn't he acted all hurt and victimised, when in fact I was trying to just continue the friendship we once had. It was almost as if he thought I owed him something.

Unrequited love is horrible, but if you genuinely love someone then you want them to be happy, even at the expense of your own happiness. I could understand him declaring his love if you'd broken up with your DH as then he'd have a chance but while you're still happily married it's just a selfish tactic to get more attention from you.

As for telling your DH, I'd tread carefully. It's not essential to tell him and may just make him feel insecure unnecessarily.

I have to say I agree with the posters who say he couldn't have been a friend to your husband by declaring his love for you.

Put yourself in your husband's shoes, if a female friend of his told him she loved him, would you want to know?I think I would expect my DH to tell me if that was the case. If he didn't and I found out later (as these things always come out), then I would think back to every time they were alone and whether anything had happened. It would make me doubt everything as he'd kept this secret from me.

Tell your husband. Keeping it secret could make it seem like you may reciprocate your friend's feelings.

If he wanted to move on he should have told another friend, wrote it down in a letter or something. Not tell you directly knowing full well how happily married you are.

Apologies, I missed the part about him being a friend to your husband.

Not that it makes it any easier.

Some friendships can survive this type of declaration thing, provided that he knows that there is no way nothing can ever happen and leave no room for doubt. I really believe in giving a person a second chance (but only 1 mind), so if it were me I would make it clear that I was flattered but no way jose and if he tried suggesting anything like it again or making any type of flirty motions then the friendship is over. But you would need to judge whether that is worth it or not to keep him as a friend. This can work, sometimes not.

As to the telling the husband thing, I don't know thats a tricky one and could cause a rift or unsettlement in your marriage.

If you decide that you no longer want to be a friend to this guy, then you would have to tell him wouldn't you if your husband was still to remain friends him, how would you avoid him?

If you decide after your chat with the guy, whether it was just a mistake and you can be friends, then just leave it as a big mistake that he made and threaten to tell your husband if he acts like it again.

You are clear in your mind that you don't love him, so this shouldn't threaten your marriage.

Thanks again everyone. Your insightful posts are really helping me to think about this and prepare for issues which may or may not come up. I'm not going to do anything drastic at the moment but I will be keeping my distance for a while and then treading really carefully until I feel things are back to normal, which I hope they will be in the future.

Digggers is 100% right in everything she says. Keeping this a secret from your husband will act as an accelerant to feelings you might never have imagined you had. Secrecy is a powerful fuel.

The secret that another man adores you and thinks everything you do is wonderful, could contrast horribly with your unknowing husband teasing you about your smelly feet or some other "fault" in you that you have always joked about. The next time your H acts in an entirely human way, such as being a bit irritable or less than adoring, I just bet you will think: "Hmm....adoring friend wouldn't say that."

Think really carefully about what you are getting out of this secret and how much this has given you a boost. I suspect you are being disingenuous if you maintain that you are utterly horrified about all this.

This man is no friend of yours, your H or your marriage. This is not love, because if he loved you, he would not want to cause you turmoil. This declaration is wholly self-serving.

As other posters have advised, reverse the roles and ask yourself what you would want your H to do if a mutual female friend declared her love for him. What would you think of her agenda and motives? Would you want your H to tell you this had happened? How would you feel if your H regarded it as a delicious secret and was getting a kick out of it?

Tell your H, without delay. Discuss as a couple the actions you will take. Be honest about your own feelings about this and rather more clear-sighted about your own motivations and reactions.

I agree with those saying you should tell your H. A secret like this could be really damaging to your marriage - if this guy really is no threat to the marriage then you should have no reason not to tell your H.

For the sake of his pride, he needs to know.

I bumped into an ex-BF last year and we went for a coffee. At that point I should have sent my H a text saying 'oh I've bumped into so and so, off for a coffee, pop in if you're passing!'. I didn't as I thought our coffee was insignificant and I suppose I was thrilled that a BF of 20yrs previous would greet me by saying 'hey its walkingonsunshine, I knew you'd still be a babe!'

If I had told my H straight away it might have offered some protection against getting sucked into the flattery that ensued and flirtation of a few days of texting. I now can't admit to any part of it as it got out of hand. I'm not saying you will ever let it get to that stage, but if anything else happens between this friend and you and you then decide to tell your H the whole story, he is likely to feel really hurt that you didn't share this with him straight away.

Don't worry about ruining their friendship, your marriage is your priority.

He's no friend of yours by putting you in this position. Sad but true. Please tell your husband.