Ok- I need a kick up the arse- I don't feel like I'm destined to find love.

[poshsinglemum]

I'm very unlucky in love as some of you might know from previous threads.
I just don't feel like men like me very much and in return I find men quite callous.

I read The Rules once and in order to be the kind of women that men seem to like I'd have to be really fake.

I want intimacy but how can I achieve it with men who don't seem to want to even talk most of the time. I don't understand grunting!

I will carry on dating but how much rejection do I have to deal with? My sister is getting married next year to her second, doting boyfriend whereas I'm a single mum with no man in sight.

I'm fed up of being treated like crap so please can you all kick me up the arse and offer some words of encouragement etc.

And before you say I have to be happy without a man, well I've been happy without me for 10 years but i'm fed up of doing it alone. I want to be happy with a man.

10 years ago I phoned up a Clairvoyant about a bad break up and she told em I was cursed when it came to love. I know it sounds bollocks but I'm started to think that she's right. (bends over for kick)

Hi all,

Thanks again. I know I do bang on about the same issues. I do enjoy a life without men but lets face it it would be great to have someone supportive to put out the bins, give me a hug and plan dates with etc. My problem is that I'm stuck in a rut with it but I will try out some of your advice.

Thanks.

I suppose but I think I meant a bit of support really cvanA!

I honestly think you have to stop wanting it so much. I think if you don't you run a real risk of lowering your standards until you end up with a real arse just to BE with someone iyswim?

I am single after an EA relationship and yes I do feel quite empty and lonely sometimes but it soon passes and I have so much going on my life that the thought of having to factor some man into the equation exhausts me.

From all I have experienced (2 marriages and another 2 living together situations) life is not actually that much improved by having a man about it's 50/50, sometimes its great but a lot of the time (after the first few months of butterflies have worn off) it is stressful and tedious constantly having to compromise your wishes to make sure another person is happy.

Also imvho there are not actually that many decent men out there, they are all taken by MNetters it seems , I think as a single parent a man is a luxury addition (and should act accordingly!) rather than a requirement iyswim?

Do you really have "genuine problems with men" Posh? What does that really mean if you break it down? It sounds like you do attract men but not the type you want or you don't get what you want.

If you want to change the outcome, you have to change what you are doing.

Can you tell us a bit more about the patterns of these relationships? Or the type of man you want?

Oh and if you feel as though you are being rejected all the time then you are investing FAR too much in this dating malarky, really you are. You are not being rejected, it is just normal wear and tear of dating. Stop seeing every bloke you have contact with as potentially "The One" and just as someone to get out of the house with and have a laugh with.

I too agree that there is some use to be found in "The Rules" some of it quite frankly is ridiculous but some of it is just common sense, such as not being totally available all the time, you should be like that anyway, it is healthy to have other stuff going on in your life and not drop it for another person, shouldn't need a book to tell you that but if you do (and I did btw!) then it can be quite useful.

@EAMiasmas,

Lol@ not checking out his 'junk'.

@Nomedoit

Thank you for sharing your experiences with 'The Rules' book. Next time it comes up, I wont pooh pooh it and will recommend your suggestions. I just hated seeing women buy a book that really wasn't delivering what it promised.

@ Whomovedmychocolate

I co-sign on this 'And funnily enough when you are busy enough not to care, good men appear'

SA

I very occasionally did the not-calling not-texting stuff with DP when we were getting together, but more for myself - if I felt like I was getting too dependent on contact too quickly. My (male) friend advised me to behave like that too FGS. But I mostly behaved like a normal nice person. When I told DP later about the advice I'd had, he said "Oh, I'd have been sad if you'd done that, and left you alone because I'd have assumed you weren't interested." :o

Hint:

Male friend who wants to "do the chasing" = tosser to women

DP who assumes that people are honest enough to make contact if they're interested = lovely.

TBH I think honest behaviour and no messing is best if you want to build up a good solid relationship.

I don't agree that men who want to do the chasing are tossers to women!

I do think that if you 'take over' the relationship too early as a woman it generally doesn't work out. Of course, there are exceptions to this. I'm talking about getting into the couple stuff too soon - let him suggest a few dates first before you start cooking him dinner, arranging outings, etc.

The OP says she wants a man but doesn't get intimacy. I just wondered if she's expecting too much too soon?

I wasn't saying they all are, nomedoit! And I would never formally "ask out" a man, because my view is that if he can't even be bothered to do that then he probably doesn't care enough to make a good boyfriend.

Shimmery quite agree there re some pluses but all the stress of making sure someone else is happy etc etc is it worth it ? Rofl at man as a luxury addition !

Op I have been on my own a year and on occasion think a male relationship would be nice but I think people are probably right in the it will come if you stop trying to make it .Not that you sound like you make it your lifes work by any means

silveryglitter- if a man is a luxury item to us single parents it somehow implies that we are less in need (that's right-need) of love an affection than married parents or that we should put our kids before our relationships whereas married couples are told to put their marriages as an equal to children. Eh- isn't love important for us ALL and not a luxury?

It's a luxury I want anyhow!

That certainly wasn't what I mean't to imply, sorry if you took it that way.

If you want me to be honest though from this and your other thread, I think you sound a bit desperate and that will frighten any man off......there, Kick Up The Arse.

Well after ten years of no long-term relationship and having been left by dds dad etc etc I'm not going to be really chilled.

In my defence though I just turned someone down because he cancelled two dates so I might be desperate- but not that desperate!

My point is that we all need sex, love and affection and if it isn't coming to me why shouldn't I go out and find it? It's human nature. How long can I go on pretending that being on my own is what I really want?
I do like being alone but I'd like a bit of loving even more!

I know, I really do. I am glad to be single because my ex was a twunt but sometimes I feel so lonely I could just collapse into a heap, almost to the point of ringing ex and asking him to come back and he was and is an absolute horror of a man.

Fwiw there is nothing wrong at all in going out to find it and I know it sounds like such cliche but they never do come along when you are looking, always just as you give up ime anyway.

So bloody true Shimmery.

You sound quite touchy on the issue posh, and it's not surprising. But I think the best advice you've received here is to fill your life up with fun stuff as much as possible. Join a book group or start going to the gym or join a local cycling group or what have you at the weekends. There might be a local group for single parents? How old are your DC?

The more you get out of the house the better you will feel (even in winter there's nothing like coming in out of the rain to your cosy house having had a busy day out). Plus you will meet more people and have more chance of making friends who could be wonderful in themselves. And of course any friends will have other friends/brothers/neighbours who might be your kind of guy.

Think you missed my questions earlier:
"OP - how have you been meeting these blokes, mostly? Did you pick them, or did they pick you? Do you think you are attracted to the wrong'uns, or you just say yes when someone asks you out."

I'd love to do lots of fun stiuff but how much of that is honestly possible with a two year old in tow? i don't have the money for a start. Babysitters are expensive.
This is the shit thing about being a single parent. You are single; without the benefit of freedom. As a single mum your potential dating pool is even more restricted. I;d prob be bettre off leaving it til dd is 10 or something!

I do go out to lots of stuff with dd but there are no single men thnere. Just mums and married dads. And the odd stray single dad who I may or may not fancy.

I went on Match as it enables me to socialise without going out of the house.

This reminds me of that quote about women's magazines:
There are only ever two articles in women's magazines. 1 - Why are men shit. 2 - How to get a man.

gay40 that's really made me laugh, how very true...ohh the irony!!

I completely understand why you feel destined to be single after all this time. I'm sure you have tried all these suggestions given, but still no luck. It's easier to be optimistic after a few years, but 10 years slowly eats your confidence.

For what is's worth, a clairvoyant told me that I would meet my soulmate and be married and living together by Easter 2010. That was rubbish lol, still no sign of my soulmate and the time has passed!!

I would take ANYTHING a clairvoyant said with a pinch of salt to be honest. Really wouldn't worry about that one.

Just to offer another perspective here, from another single mum.

I've been single (bar a couple of relationships which didn't work out) for 5 years. My DS is 5 now, nearly 6.

Looking back, when I was in a relationship I wasn't really happy. It felt like far too much hard work - like I was trying to do to much iyswim? Now I genuinely don't give a toss if I meet someone or not as I actually prefer to be on my own. That is not to say I don't get terribly lonely from time to time; then of course there is the exhaustion.

Now, what has kept me going is my friendships with other women, both online and IRL, but also having a loving and supportive family.

You're right about babysitters being expensive, but sometimes the investment is worth it. Look around for local teens who are reliable (ask around), or what about neighbours?

Someone said you have to be happy or at least content on your own..I think that's true.

Lol @ Gay40 ... sooo true.

I don't know if I could ever stand living with a man again tbh. Far too used to my own ways.

Also PSM, what's your relationship like with your parents? I think that can make a huge difference.

Hi Posh,
hate it when you ask for advice and get a slap around the cheeks...has happened to me too! However, mostly I get good advice.

It sounds like you're really wary and distrustful of men. Yes, they are often idiots and playing games, but they are fun to have around. I also have loads going on in my life, but I'm just one of those people that needs some kind of male in my life...not necessarily serious, but I love flirting and just that man/woman interaction. Some need it, some don't. I do and I'm not ashamed of it.

Was married for over a decade...and mostly ignored. Then met a man who paid me attention. I became alive again. After years of feeling invisible, I felt the buzz that life can give you (not all the time of course...I'm not that deluded!) All of a sudden, men started noticing me, honks from cars, etc. Not saying that that's the be all and end all, but it meant that I had become visible again. It is a state of mind. Strut down the road feeling on top of the world and everyone else will wonder how you look so good.

Don't feel down. My mother once told my sister and I that nobody will notice us if we're not smiling and happy. She's right really...who wants to talk to someone who looks cautious and pissed off.

So when you do go out, make a superhuman effort to be a livewire, the best you can be. There are men out there that like to talk...I've met some. The best.

Try to squash those negative thoughts...pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again :-)