Stately Homes People, I need your perspective please...

[nemofish]

I was raised in a very odd household, I have been on the stately homes threads from time to time and recently, after watching This Is England, I have been having flashbacks and I need some perspective please.

To cut a long story short, my stepfather while not raping or 'fully' abusing me, was very innapropriate with me, comments about my bum, legs, boobs etc from the age of 11, discussions about sex, discussing having sex with my mother, asking me if I wanted to look at porn mags with him - for educational purposes my mother says the colluding bitch.

He 'snogged' me once when he was very pissed - which he was most of the time that I lived at home. I was 11 / 12 then. He had some horrible porn book (text only) written by Anonymous, that author of note, which had something about 'Lolita' in the title and it was basically about how this women had the best shag of her life from her dad as a young girl and couldn't find better - though she tried

My mum knows everything and chooses not to believe me. I have stuck to the same version of events for 20 years, I have no idea what my step dad remembers / believes. But he will remember that he had the book, surely, and that he began having dodgy thoughts about me?

I have been watching the 'This Is England' series, in which there is a very well done, non tittilating and uncomfortable rape scene, and it has triggered some flashbacks for me. I broke down today and told dh. I have found it hard to stop crying today. I just want to take a load of pills and make it go away, but I love my dd and my lovely dh.

I don't know if my stepdad said it, or if I read it, but I think there was some suggestion that if I wanted 'rid' of my virginity, he would do that for me? Why can't I get that out of my head? Did I dream it? It wouldn't be out of character for him as far as I'm concerned.

I am meant to be training as a complementary therapist, I am meant to be learning to help other people - what fucking use am I like this? I'm scarred inside and no matter how well I think I'm doing, off the drugs, eating properly, driving, then something will come along and tear me up inside.

I don't know what to do.

nemofish - I'm so sorry you are having these experiences.

I'm afraid I didn't see the programme, nor do I have any experience, but I just didn't want to let your post go unanswered after you poured your heart out.

Have you has counselling in the past? Is there anyone your could talk to again to get help through this?

You poor thing. What a complete shitfuck your stepdad was. I think going to your gp for some help is the first thing to do. I k ow you feel messed up but this was not your fault and you can get the help you need to move on. I'm sure someone will offer you more help soon big hugs

Thanks Fluffyhamster and Rosedee.

I need to move on, I know. Tbh this is the first time I have 'admitted' it properly, apart from bits and pieces to dh. It feels like a dirty secret, after all this time I still feel bad for painting my stepdad in a negative light.

Have had counselling which helped me enormously. But there was so much stuff to get through, this is the one thing that didn't rear it's ugly head.

nemo

I purposely didn't watch that episode for fear of flashbacks.

I really think you need some more intense counselling,you obviously were holding back from the painful realism of his abusive suggestions and actions.
Speaking about 'it' makes it more real,raw and awakened (you sound like me,dissociative disorder/annesia?).

Go really easy on yourself,flashbacks/triggers are very frightening.You will get through this,speak to a professional x

Definitely some amnesia, RageAgainstTheTeen.

I am not sure where this memory is coming from. I was petrified of the man, I was terrified of what he might do if he had the chance. I was often left alone with him, while he was drunk and my mother was at work. I would get past him and run out of the front door, with him screaming 'get back here!' and I would run (yes, I mean run, as if my life depended on it) the two miles to where my mother worked. I slept with a knife under my pillow and a chair wedged underneath my bedroom door handle.

Fortunately I was unofficially fostered from the age of 15. My mother told me that he had got into the worng bed, as he was so drunk, so he slept in my bed that night, while I was staying with the foster family. I knew then, that would have been the night things would have escalated, and then be explained away as accidently getting in the wrong bed and then accidently mistaking me for my mother. (apparently he got very 'horny' when drunk sometimes)

I remember him saying 'come and give me a cuddle then' and I said no, I don't want to, then he said 'would you like to come and look at some pictures?' I said what kind and he said oh you know what kind. Jesus I had forgotten about that.

Go easy on yourself Nemo

Have a read of this,it may help you tonight

Oh nemo . He was grooming you for full on sexual abuse, though what he did was sexual abuse make no mistake, and thank god you were fostered. It does sound like perhaps you have disassociated during some of what happened which is common in abuse.

Strongly suggest you call rape crisis to discuss this. They can arrange appropriate counselling for your feelings.

Also suggest you cut all contact and ties with your mother and stepfather if you haven't already, whilst you process this.

I'm sure you've read this on here before, but Toxic Parents is a very good book to help deal with abusive parents. Really helped me and many others on here.

Oh love.

What kind of therapy have you had?

When you spoke to DH, were you able to say everything you wanted? Did he give you the opportunity to keep talking?

I'm no expert but I really think you need to talk about this, as you are getting more and more memories, you need to be able to process them properly.

I agree that contact with him or your mum is probably not good thing right now.

Focus on the fact that you are safe and this can never happen to you again. And that you and your lovely DH are providing a safe and secure home for DD, so she will never have to experience anything like that.

I'm not part of the stately homes crew (as I said on another thread that mentioned it last night, I always thought it was a cliquey posh girl thread!) but I have read a lot of your posts on various subjects, and I know that you are a very strong and sensible person. You will be able to get through this, so don't start having any thoughts to the contrary.

Take care lovely xx :)

Shit, Nemo :( and I'm really glad for you that you told DH. Flashbacks are vile and frightening - they're also a signal that your mind's ready to release some stuff, so it's a wonderful affirmation of all you've been doing in your life. You must be feeling safer & more secure overall, though I bet you still feel wobbly now. Please use whatever non-pharmaceutical calming strategies you have, and try to - umm, breathe through the feelings (sorry for cliche). The more of them you can acknowledge from a position of safety, the quicker you can let them go.

Counselling really would be a good idea right now, preferably with an experienced NHS clinical psychologist. Sending you a pointless, but well meant, hug! Feel free to rant on SH if it helps :)

Blimey, loopy
I've been plagued by people's incorrect assumptions about my social class all my life ... never realised that even my dysfunctionality looks posh!

Nemo,so sorry to hear what you are going through.
Having had lots of therapy myself over the years,I have also just started having flashbacks; concerning my dad and also my brother.I'm 42 and have never been in touch with it before.
Grace is right - you must be in a good place at last for this to be coming up now,I'm so glad you have your Dh.

Loads of good advice on here already.I would definitely try to get some professional support.I am a mh professional myself,though on maternity leave currently,and am going to see a psychotherapist in a few weeks.A colleague is visiting me a couple of times a week,as I am feeling very frayed around the edges.

I hope you are able to get some sleep? I am finding this difficult and it does make the days harder.So go easy on yourself.This is a difficult,painful time and may feel even worse at times.Please try to remember how normal it is to feel so upset,and try,as Grace says,to breathe through it.

This time will pass.You at the start of the end.
I think you would find the stately homes thread a good place to be,and maybe also the NPD Recovery thread.I don't think it's a cliquey posh girl thread at all-that's really funny,loopyloops! What gave you that idea?

Waves to Nemo ,loving the whole complimentary therapy thing, you will be fab x

nemofish, were you and I separated at birth? Our stories are so similar. Just off to bed as very tired, but very, very similar to my experiences.

EMDR has been phenomenal for me (google it and read about it) and I think you need to see a psychotherapist, not counselling. They are different things. I would also (deep breath) tell a friendly GP and get some sleeping tablets. Don't be (too) scared about the tolerance issues, you are probably running on such high levels of arousal. I was on them for a year and had no problem stopping. Being able to sleep and see your bed as a place of safety is really important.

CAT me if you want. I no longer have the flashbacks nor live in fear without knowing why. It feels very, very different.

Also love that bit about stately homes being for posh birds. LMAO.

Thank you all for everything XXXX