Telling young people bad news

[RedRosie]

I'm not sure if this is the right place, but couldn't think quite where else to post. I am new to MN posting (and have just dipped a toe in a couple of discussions that looked safe up until now ...) but have been lurking for a long time. I would like some advice, especially from those of you who are either mums with XDHs/XPs and DCs or stepmums who may have faced this.

Sadly (and not for want of trying in my younger years) I have no children. I do have 2 lovely and quite grown-up stepchildren (DSD 24, DSS 17). I have been married to my DH for ten years, have known him for 11, and was not the OW. I have a good relationship with the DSDs and DH is very close to them. They live with their DM quite some distance away, but we see them regularly - rarely together these days as for the past few years they have visited separately either alone or with friends, as they are different in age and interests.

My DH has been diagnosed with cancer - of a kind that is life limiting and incurable but which will follow a pattern of remission and relapse over several years - the number of which depends on treatment response.

The time has come now to tell the DSDs. Should I/we tell their DM first or should we treat them as adults and talk to them that way? DH's relationship with his ExW is not good at all and they rarely communicate. My relationship with her is distant, but she has always been nice when we have met in the past. I am happy to talk to her if that is the right thing to do, either before or after we tell the DSDs.

Does anyone have advice?

I'm very sorry that you are facing this.

I would tell their mother first. Sort of a 'heads up' So that she can be involved in telling them or at least supporting them after you tell them and so that the news does not come from them as a bolt from the blue and so that she can have some time to absorb the news and prepare herself to be there for them.

I'm so sorry to hear about your DH :( I couldn't read this and not reply...

I think if I were you, I would (or DH) send a letter or an email explaining. Think it needs to be written down, hearing something like that over the phone would not be ideal. I would say that you were letting her know, but that you also want to tell the children yourselves, and that you hope she will support both of you, and them, in this. If possible I would tell the DSDs face to face, with both of you there, and tell them as soon as possible after you have told their mother, so its not as if she has been keeping it from them.

Horrible situation. I hope you find some support on here, and in RL. Someone will be along soon with better advice, I'm sure.

I would sit down with them directly and tell them both together. Then I think I would phone the mum.

If your husband is not on good terms with his ex, there is a bit of a risk that she might not tell the DSC as sensitively as you would hope, but obviously she needs to know.

I am so sorry you are going through this

I would agree with telling their mother first too. She is likely to deal with the brunt of their emotions and will be able to give them support. Good luck when you tell them though, feel for you going through this.

Sorry for your bad news.

What does your dh think?

I think Sirboob has got it about right, a letter or email to the boys' mother and a conversation face to face with the boys.

Goodness. You lot are like the forth emergency service, but quicker!

I think telling their mum shortly before telling them ourselves is probably the right thing to do. She will be front-line support for them and although I don't know her very well, they are close to their mum and absolutely lovely people - so she must have done an excellent job.

My DH is worried about them, especially his DD with whom he is especially close, but he is going through a period of finding it difficult to talk about at all - especially the details of treatment and the future.

Thanks all.

So sorry to hear your news, I hope your DH has many more years with you and doesn't find his treatment too gruelling.

I think you should tell their mum first too, also agree with it not being too long before you tell the DC, which I think you and DH should do together, show the DC a united front against his illness.

I am a mum of 2 girls, one of which is by an ex, she's only 11 but no matter what her age I would hope someone would tell me first if he were to become ill so that I could be prepared to support her.

Needafootmassage (great name, me too) - I have no doubts about their mum putting them first at all. I don't have any kind of relationship with her really, but she has never made things difficult between DH and his DCs, and on the few occasions where she and I have met (handovers/pick-ups years ago before they could catch a train) she has been nice.

There is very little contact between the adults in our situation, as the DSCs (especially DD) managed the contact arrangements themselves on the whole.

Thanks again all. Having slept on it, we have decided that I will telephone Mum at work today and then we will drive over and talk to them together this evening.

I appreciated the MN perspective.

Thank you to those that replied. Just a quick update.

I spoke on the phone with my DH's exW on Friday. She was lovely. Very kind. I'm sure that she will help them through this.

We have told my DSCs, which was as awful as you would expect. But at least this difficult thing is done now, and we can move on into whatever the future holds.

Thanks again.