Having a relationship when you both work and don't have much time for each other

[flibbertigibbert]

DP and I have been together for 4 years. When we first got together we were both at uni so we spent loads of time together. We would spend whole days in bed and only get up and go out in the evening. Now we're in the real world and DP is working full time and I'm working and studying part time.

DP is working extremely long hours and when he does come home he has to do emails and proposals. We spend every night sitting on separate sofas using our laptops and hardly speaking. He always falls asleep on the sofa and shouts at me when I try to wake him so I end up getting into bed alone. I cook every night so that we can eat dinner together but we end up not saying much to each other. I'm fed up. Our sex life is non existent - it only happens once every couple of weeks.

How can I get the spark back?

You have to work hard at it. One night (ideally not a work night) go out for a drink and tell your DP how you feel. Tell him that you love him and that you want to continue this relationship but its currently failing and you want to stop that.

Ideally once you're back on the same track it should be easier to do. Arrange a date night each week where you go out, stay in, whatever but NO work.

I do know how you feel - DH works away a lot so sometimes it can be weeks before we spend any real time together esp when you factor in children, social life, high pressure job etc.

A relationship doesn't just potter along on its own. The only thing that happens in that situation is that it flounders. You need to work at it constantly. I know this having got 16 years down the line!

Good luck.

I think a proper date night would be good. We do sometimes have date nights but they involve watching a film at home, so the laptops can still come out. I think getting out of the house would be a good way of getting round that.

A date out, once a week. If that doesn't work, go straight to Relate.

Not wanting to scare you out but these seem like big signs that the relationship is cooling down. Do something about it before it is too late, these things get to a point of no return, so better to act sooner rather than later.

Remember, once that indifference sets in, that's it.

flibberty do you have DC?

DH and I both work fulltime, he comes back very late and often works into the evenings while I go to bed. I get up ridiculously early for my commute, and he works whenever he can at the weekends as well, it's infuriating but he loves his job and it's unavoidable. Oh and he's just bought a damn iPhone. And we have a DD and another one on the way. We are like ships in the night but we get a babysitter and go out for a meal about twice a month, and we have been away for weekends without DD about 6 times since she was born. It really helps for us to set aside time outside the house to be together - get dressed up, go out somewhere, talk about things which are not house / DD-related.

elporto - no we don't have DCs. It makes me think that if we're having these problems now then we won't survive as a couple once we do have DCs and have even less time together.

flibberty I think this is just 'life' unfortunately. In a weird way since having our DD the time that we do get alone together has become so precious that we always have a good time and make the most of it.

can you get away for a weekend somewhere? the key might be getting out of the house and out of your usual routines. I get excited just putting on a full face of make up and some heels, it feels like such a rare treat. have you spoken to your DP about any of this? does he feel the same as you?