My H the Twunt

[CoronaAndLime]

My Dh drinks too much.
I think he is an alcoholic he disagrees and thinks he just likes drink too much (show me an alcoholic who dosnt like to drink too much!!)
We have 3 Dc aged 9, 2, and 6wks.

When H is 'himself' he is lovley, not perfect (who is?) but we get on well, laugh alot and are happy.

When he drinks or wants to go out drinking he becomes argumentative and very spitful.

I suffered very badly from pnd after the birth of Dc 2 and started to get depressed whilst pg with Dc 3.
He has shown little support to me through this and has continued drinking and 'kicking' me whils down, ie, whilst having a total melt down and feeling suicidal whilst pg he would push me around and scream abuse at me.
I came so close to killing myself it makes me feel cold just thinking about it.

This happened a few times and the worst thing is that Dc 1 saw a fair bit of it and was of corse very upset and worried about it.
Dcs 1 & 2 have both seen me cry and panic way too many times and I am ashmed that I didnt pull myself together enough to shield them from this.

After H has been a total dick, the next few days he is sorry and we talk about it (he usualy acepts responsability) and he promises to cut down on alcohol/ only drink at weekends an not get totaly rat arsed.
He always goes back on it and if I call him on it he tells me that he does it to get away from me and I'm mental, its all my falt and other women do this and that better than me so no wonder he wants to go down the pub.

He did this last night. He followed me round totaly assasinating every aspect of my character and critisising from what I cooked Dc1 for lunch to why I had not washed his pants (left on bathroom floor - not in washing basket!). Apparently I'm lazey, pathetic and selfish.
I dont think I'm any of these things, well maybe I am a bit pathetic but not the rest.

If he was like this all the time I would have no hesitation in leaving him, but most of the time he is nice. worlds apart from the arse he turns into when drunk.

I just dont know what to do. The Dcs love him so much and it would break their hearts to live away from him and despite the horrid things hes said and done I do love him and cant imagin not being with him.

I know we cant carry on this way. It must be hurting the Dcs and thats the last thing H or I want to do.

I have no real experience in this area (some far wiser people will be along in a minute) but - he brought you to the brink of suicide? While carrying his third child?

Sorry, no amount of nice inbetween times makes that worth it. Get him OUT until he can get some kind of professional help. For your good and your DCs - what is this doing to them?

Hi,

"The Dcs love him so much and it would break their hearts to live away from him and despite the horrid things hes said and done I do love him and cant imagin not being with him"

You cannot honestly believe that do you?.
What is there to love about this man?. Are you now so conditioned and downtrodden to his abuse that you would potentially put him before your children?. You do have some fight left in you otherwise you would not have posted here so there is still some hope for you.

Your children probably hate the very sight of him. They see how he treats you and your reactions to him. They are likely to be bewildered and upset and perhaps even blame themselves for the rows.

A home should be a sanctuary, not a bloody warzone that you all currently inhabit.
It is hurting all the children and you cannot protect them fully from his alcoholism. You may think you can but frankly they've seen an awful lot already, particularly your eldest. At nine he is more aware than you think he is.

You are not responsible for your H ultimately, only your own self and your children.

So what if he is "nice" part of the time, his behaviour when he is drunk is appalling. You are allowing yourself to be abused here by him. You cannot fix his pain by allowing yourself to be abused in the ways you are.

Your children in turn are getting the brunt of all crap this as well.

Words are cheap, its actions that matter and he is showing no indication of wanting to change. He may never do so and you could wait years for an epiphany that never comes. If he is an alcoholic he should not drink alcohol full stop. Weekend drinking only won't work at all.

What on earth are you teaching your children about relationships here?. Both of you are imparting these children damaging lessons.

You are not pathetic - just ground down by his continual abusive behaviour. Please make a better life for yourselves without this drunkard in it.

Your children won't thank you for staying with such a man. You have a choice re staying with your drunkard H - your children do not.

You may find talking to both Al-anon and Womens Aid helpful. WA's calls are free and won't show on your phone bill.

www.womensaid.org.uk

0808 2000 247

Speak to your GP today and ask about local counselling services for relatives of alcoholics. You need help and I think that may be a good first step.

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire
61 Great Dover Street, London SE1 4YF

Confidential Helpline 020 7403 0888

(Helpline available 10 am - 10 pm, 365 days a year)

If he was sexually abusing your children or beating them would you say you couldn't leave because he was nice and fun to be with in between assaults?

No. You wouldn't.

Do you think the emotional abuse that they are being subjected to is less damaging or painful than violence?

I wouldn't be too sure.

Their whole world is based upon the love and security in your house. If that is rocked, which it is every single time he screams abuse and you are hysterical, it damages them in ways that can never be mended. They are not just frightened and upset when it happens - their security and sense of well being is permanently affected, little by little.

One day, before or after your husband has accepted that he is an alcoholic and you have accepted that you must put your children before yourself, those children will have become damaged young people with a very screwed up understanding of what relationships are suppose to be like.

And please don't give me that guff about him loving them - what kind of love pushes a child's mother to near suicide?

So you keep on enjoying the laughs in between the bouts of abuse and the alcoholic rantings. You won't be laughing in a few years' time when it too late to protect your kids from the affects of his behaviour.

The alcohol is a red herring. By this, I don't mean he doesn't have a drink problem. What I mean is you need to stop focussing on whether he will or won't stop drinking, and focus on the abuse. Who cares if he is sober or pissed when he's attacking you in front of your children?

What an awful situation for all of you. I really hope you find the strength to leave him.

Please listen to the wise words above and to the others who will come along who have suffered as you have.

Atilla
Thankyou for responding. I hear what you are saying about words being cheap and you are right. I have spent too long trying to reason with him and being sucked in to beleiving his promises.

mrsboogi Thankyou aswell.
Youre right about my Dc needing a safe and stable home.
Please beleive that I'm def not laughing.

I have tought about relationship/family counciling, but then again if he can make me all these promises and just go back on them then there is nothing to say that he wouldnt do that in counciling sessions.

The Dc do love him. They look forward to him coming home, going out with him on the weekends ect but I supose lots of children love their parents even if they are shit.

I'm stupidly scared of phoning W/A or alanon. Have been looking at the phone since Atilla posted the numbers. I never used to be such a weak twat

You're not a weak twat, you are a caring mother in a very difficult and frightening situation. Don't beat yourself up (he's been doing that for you), just take it one step at a time. Pick up the phone.

forget the counselling - that could only work if he accepted he had a problem - he is nowhere near that, is he?

you are not weak - to leave him is a big life changing step and very scary. Everything will be easier after that though.

I would pay close attention to what MsBoogie has written. He has made you weak but you are still posting here so use this as the first baby step to escape and give your and your children a better life away from the abusive drunk.

No counsellor would want to counsel both of you together in a session due to the ongoing abuse.

You really do need to call Womens Aid for your own sake as well as your childrens'. You'd be all better off in a refuge; at least you would all be safe.

Think back a few years, what were you like as a person before he came along?. I bet you were lively, perhaps had a job, had lots of friends (he's probably got rid of them for you) and bubbly. He has systematically destroyed you as a person and will continue to do so the longer you remain with him. He will end up killing you if you stay with him.

You and your children are all victims at his hands. You have the power to stop him and you can take decisive action. You are not completely powerless here even though he has done a bang up job of thinking that you are powerless to date.

0808 2000 247

Womens Aid

make that call.

The abuse and the drink are two seperate issues altogether. He is not abusive because he is drunk. I can almost guarentee that if he stopped drinking, the abuse would continue.

Make the call... x

Its all so fu*ked up.
I have no money,cant drive, live hundreds of miles away from my usless family and you are right about the friends Atilla.

I like the house we live in atm, but if I were to make him leave it would be difficult as we are out in the sticks a bit and the busses are a pita.
I dont realy have any mates here and it would be bloody hard to make any- cant get to playgroups ect so I have had to rely on H to take us shopping out somwhere for the Dcs ect.

I need to make a plan but keep seeing obsticals. H is paying for driving lessons for me to start next week, but it could take ages to pass my test and would it be fair on the Dc to wait on that? I dont know. But then I dont know how we could survive here without a car. If we were somewhere more urban then it wouldnt be a problem.
I never thought we would be in this position I'm so bloody angry at myself.

He blames you for his drinking. He says it's all your fault. Classic abusive behaviour. I'd wager every single abuser in history has blamed his victim. Even the ones who apologise for their behaviour: 'I'm so sorry, but you pushed me too far'

Please, please make the call. for your own sake and your children's. So many women in abusive relationships post on here and don't seem to find the courage to leave :(

x-posted there

My instinct is to say screw the driving lessons. Forget about them. They'll just be another stick for him to beat you with. Get out now, work on your self-esteem and establishing a stable home for you and your children. THEN learn to drive. In your own time, on your own terms.

so move somewhere urban, you and dcs.

yes i know sounds easy =- but think practically about possible solutions.

abusers dont abuse 24/7. the guy who beat or killed his wife was also nice to her at other times.

the good bits dont make up for the bad...
.

All of these issues with pail into insignificance when you see how much better off you - and your children - are without this man in your life.

Get your shopping delivered. Take a taxi with the kids to do something special. You'll probably find you'll have more money without him, and find it easier to make new friends.

Just make the call, you don't have to do anything drastic afterwards, but it will be a positive step int he right direction.

Hi CAL,

Re your comments in quote marks:-

"Its all so fu*ked up.
I have no money,cant drive, live hundreds of miles away from my usless family and you are right about the friends Atilla".

Thought so. I bet you as well you met this man at a low point in your life too.

"I like the house we live in atm, but if I were to make him leave it would be difficult as we are out in the sticks a bit and the busses are a pita.

I would not worry about the lack of buses.
Your house is not a home; its a warzone with an abuser calling all the shots. You all live in fear.

"I dont realy have any mates here and it would be bloody hard to make any- cant get to playgroups ect so I have had to rely on H to take us shopping out somwhere for the Dcs ect".

I daresay as well that living out in the sticks was done at his behest. He has deliberately set out to isolate you further; this is a common tactic employed by abusive men.

"I need to make a plan but keep seeing obsticals"

No obstacle is insurmountable, it truly is not.

"H is paying for driving lessons for me to start next week, but it could take ages to pass my test and would it be fair on the Dc to wait on that?"

No, you must act far sooner than that. Also my guess is that he will stop you from learning to drive by accusing you of having an affair with the instructor. Who knows how his mind works?

"I dont know. But then I dont know how we could survive here without a car. If we were somewhere more urban then it wouldnt be a problem".

You need to be well away from where you are. WA can help you; ypur family would be far better off in a refuge.

"I never thought we would be in this position I'm so bloody angry at myself"

Many women think that but you can use this anger you have postively to act to get him out of your lives. Phoning WA will be a big help to you and your children; you cannot go on as you are as he will in all likelihood kill you if you stay.

You certainly do not want your three children growing up thinking that all this is somehow normal. How would you feel if your now 9 year old acted like his Dad does as an adult?.

This has hit me seeing it all written down.

I think I was kidding myself that we could just go back to being a happy family and H would sort himself out. hes not though is he?

I got as far as looking on the W/A website when Dc1 came back from school.
I will call them in the morning as I dont want him to overhear and worry.

I have a phyc nurse who comes to see me due to pnd. If I tell her whats been going on do you think she will have to get ss involved?

So much to sort out.

his behaviour is not supportive and can impact on your mental health.
tell the nurse.

she wont need to involve SS unless she thinks children are at immediate risk of harm.

but you could ask her what help might be available to you, thru SS, if you have to leave with 3 dc .

corona Recognised you from antenatal thread. I am not in you situation and can only speak from experience as a child of an alocholic father.

My dad was an alcoholic, he used to abuse my mum (mentally and pysically), cheat on her and was always saying he will change.... blah blah blah. I was aware that something was not right in the house, but being the youngest I accepted things as they were. He killed himself when I was 11 and it was only then that I begun to realise the true extent of the effect he had on my family and my mum. Basically it took me a good number of years (and some counselling) to undertstand what he was and what effect he had caused. I almost split up with my now DH many many times as my views about relationships was so skewed by his actions. Both of my sisters had abusive relationships as well which I believe is what they picked up from the house.

I cannot advise on what to do - all I know is that things need to change - speaking from the childs point of view they are picking up on an awful lot more than you realise. Maybe your H can get help - but that means accepting he has a problem, if he doesn't it may be best to get out and start a new life. My sister left an abusive boyf - going 300 miles away and she is a totally different person - loads of friends and a new boyf who treats her well.

The one mantra which I stick to even in my crappiest times is that everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone. You only have one life. You deserve to be happy and so do your children.

Good luck.

My father sounds very like your DH, an abusive alcoholic bully. I can tell you now, honestly, that I despise my father with all my passion, I wish he was dead and I would quite happily be the one to finish him off some days I hate him that much. Your children will feel exactly the same once they are old enough to form their own opinions, they will pick up on your fear and distress and everything that they see and hear within your home as small children will stay with them for the rest of their lives. They may even become an abuser or become an abused person when they are older because that is all they are familiar with and its what they will look for.

If you can find some support get out now. WA etc have been suggested above. If you don't feel strong enough at the moment then visit your doctor. You have a very young child so could tell DH that you need a check up as you aren't quite feeling right, there would be no need for him to go in with you for the appointment, he could sit outside in the waiting room while you speak to the doctor. They would be able to offer you advice and tell you where to get support.

Please be strong and leave, I know it must feel very, very scary and you are worried that you are doing the right thing but you do NOT deserve to be treated like this. You can do better, one day you will meet someone who knows how to treat you properly. You may even force DH to sort himself out which may actually salvage some sort of relationship with his children if he does.

You are NOT weak and you are NOT a twat. You are a person who has been beaten down by a pathetic, spiteful, moronic, manipulative individual who does not deserve to have you or his children in his life.

All the comments made above about him taking steps to hold you back are right, he will always find a way to keep you from leaving, you have to try to accept that he is not going to change, not going to become a nice person and will never be the man you want him to be. I know I sound very harsh but I think sometimes the only way is to be blunt. Please get help and get out.

I really do hope you are ok, best of luck whatever you decide to do xx