Started counselling...now what

[onelastchance]

I've posted on this before. Brief summary of situation is:

dh and i togther 9 years. Have a ds (4)

Lots of rows, in past both been physically agressive. Had counselling together and aprt before - didn't help us.
He has trouble expressing feelings, taking responsibilty for his behaviour.

i left him a couple of years ago, got involved with ex but moved back with dh, Tod him about ex, he hardly reacted.
A year latr discovered he was addicted to bdsm websites. I discoverd it oh history, he denied he even looked at porn before. He knew i'd found out but didn't say anything. I spied on my mumsnet posts which i how he found out i knew. I went into an op aone becuase of this and we nearly split up.

This is all quite brief as need to go out - apologies if i've mised anything - will all be in other threads!

Now - i'm seeing a counsellor alone. She thinks the main problems is his lack of behavioural boundaries and lack of expression. She sai she' like ot talk to him soon. I'm really wondering if there's any hope?

He would be very unlikely to go to counselling in the first place as he feels he has done nothing wrong. You are the main and sole target for his abuses; he does not act like this around other people does he?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Why are you still with him?.

not sure if this is the right counsellor for you - she seems to be focused on him.

mibe was always asking me and talking about me - telling me to leave him out of the room... but also focusing on sepcific scenarios adn strategies and what could work in repsonse to specifc behavours.

saying his problems are xx and yy does not help you unless she also works with you to devise strategies to repsond or deal with those issues. you and she cannto fix him - but she should be helping you to grow stronger and more sure of yourself....

you need a counsellor who will work with you on you - on your self esteem, confidence, help you to set boundaries decide what behaviour from him is ok or not.

the idea she might fix him is not going to work i am afraid...

is she a relationship counsellor?
did you tell her you wanted to be seen as a couple?

if you go back to this counsellor - ask her not what his problems are but what YOU can do in response to them. as you see and pecrceive them.

bringing him into it wont help, i am sure of that... some counsellors would not seek to see the other party... because it doesnt matter in a way - harassment and abuse - is what you live thru - and you need the hep to deal with it.

your counselling should be about you not about him... if you follow. yes about how his behaviours affect you - and what you might do - but not about "oh well he lacks expression"

OLC,

re your comment:-
"She thinks the main problems is his lack of behavioural boundaries and lack of expression".

No kidding Sherlock!. But you are not there to try and fix this and nor should you even try to fix such an inherently damaged individual. You cannot fix his pain by allowing yourself to be abused.

This counsellor you are seeing sounds well useless. Counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone that fits with you.

Your parents certainly taught you some damaging lessons and another generation one these are being passed to your child. This is not a legacy you want to be leaving him.

As there has been previous violence within the relationship no good counsellor would want to counsel you together.

agreeing with attila here - try a different counselllor...sorri...

Thanks for your replies - really appreciate them :)

She has said they I may be able to find ways to respond to him. She sais talk about me too but I agree that if the next session (just me) turns out to be too much about him, I might find a different one.

She is a general counsellor who deal with losts o issues including relationships. She takes referrals from gps too. I didn't specificall ask her to see us together. she said it might be a good idea for her to meet him.

She said alot of the effort if i stay with him would probably have to come from me

Attila - he has said he'll see counsellor

"She said alot of the effort if i stay with him would probably have to come from me"

that is really not fair you knwo - either she suggests you both work on it together and sugests a way with that -but to suggest that it will all be down to you if it fails or not -well that isnt what she should be doing....

I don't think sh was really being unfair - just telling me the situation as she sees it after a coule of session. I didn't feel she was telling me it'd all be down to me if it fails more that becuase dh either can't or won't do some things, it up to me to accept it or respond in a different way.

She also asked if there was any attraction left. I said there wan't atm but maybe it could come back. But i keepgoing over that question and i'm not sure it could. She said if there was no attraction left on top of all the other issues, maybe we'd be better apart

"She said alot of the effort if i stay with him would probably have to come from me"

Not fair on you at all. I'd find someone else to work with here pronto.

Re him as well words are cheap. Actions matter more and he is not either willing or able to put the work in that is required here. He is only nasty towards you.

No decent counsellor either would actually counsel the two of you together in a session primarily because of the previous abuse shown towards you. He will manipulate both the counsellor and session. He will make himself look like the good guy with you being the bad person here.

I don't know if she considers his previous behaviour abusive. How do i find an appropriate counsellor then. Chekced out her quals, etc and seemed fine. what should I be looking for ?

I wouldn't say dh is only nasty. whay do you say that Attila?

OLC,

He acts only nasty towards you. Bet you a crisp fiver that he always shows outsiders his "nice" side. Abusers are very plausible to those in the outside world.

He has and continues to behave abusively and words are cheap.

What are you teaching your DS here about relationships?. Frankly you'd be happier apart. This is not working, look properly at your relationship history here without the rose tinted glasses on. What would you advise a friend if she was telling you all this?.

BACP have a list of counsellors and they do not charge the earth. As mentioned before, counsellors are like shoes and you need to find someone who fits.

I looked on the list of BACP counsellors for my town and this is how i found this one!

"She said if there was no attraction left on top of all the other issues, maybe we'd be better apart"

so she is saying "if there is attraction still despite the other issues you should stay together"??

you know that makes no sesne. - being attracted to an abusive man doesnt make the abuse ok.

yes you found this one and i am sure she is qualified.

but maybe try someone else, who seeks to boost you up and make you feel confident with whatever decision you make.

I've got another appt with her on tues. I thik=nk she is talking about us staying together becuase i said ideally that;s what i'd want to happen,with some changes.

I'll see how the next appt goes, then might change