How do I deal with this separation issue?

[DCSsunhill]

I separated from H in April this year. His contact with the children has been limited ? nothing to do with me preventing access, just him not telephoning for two / three weeks at a time. He moved on very quickly and moved in with a new woman two weeks after leaving family home.

The last time he had our two DSs, 5 year old DS cracked his head whilst H was pushing him on a swing, cue an overnight hospital stay, where I stayed over too. 7 year old DS stayed with H?or so I thought. Whilst I had taken an unpaid day off work, H had actually gone into work, leaving 7 year old DS with his new GF of a few months.

During this day, GF and DS had an argument, where Ds reports that she swore at him. Tackled H about this and also his utter insensitivity by going to work (hence earning money for HIM and new GF ? he does not pay me and DSs a penny in maintenance) and leaving DS with GF.

I didn?t hear anything again from him until yesterday. He told me that the reason his GF got cross with DS was because DS was caught bullying GF?s 7 yr old daughter on two occasions.

How do I deal with this, please? I have tried explaining to H that really DSs do not NEED to be seeing his GF and her daughter, that their time should be quality time with their father. I don?t have an issue with them seeing her in general, but how do I handle the fact that she is yelling / swearing at my son? He has been in a relationship with her for only four months.

H will not come to mediation as he has just found out that he does not qualify for legal aid. I am frustrated beyond belief. I want my children to have a positive and on-going relationship with their father, so how do I deal with the GF issue?

you can't,unfortuanately....you'll just have to wait for him to move on again,to the next one!!

Oh this would make me very angry

Separation is a bitch. My ex isn't seeing anyone that I know of, but he causes different kinds of problems.

If I were you - I would insist he sees your sons alone. He should want to anyway

But he is convinced that GF is a keeper.

I feel uncomfortable that she is swearing and yelling. I don't swear at my children. That is abusive.

Happyslapper, I had tried going down that route initially, as he had no clue how introducing a new partner into the boys' lives just two weeks after leaving might be damaging to them.

However, despite assuring me that he would be alone for contact, she was always present. Most Mnetters said that I had to simply suck it up.

And I did. I figured "better the devil I know of" and trusted H to make good choices. But I don't want a GF of four months shouting and swearing. H will not see his boys alone.

different parenting styles isnt it?

he has moved on,and is entitled to do what he likes in his contact time....with whom. if it goes to court then you bring it up,but i'd still push for mediation.....but thats not likely to stop the gf swearing,and i can't see anyone being able to prevent her having contact too. not for swearing. she may not even do it again.

And i am frustrated about his lack of care for our family. He is providing for Gf and her daughter. But not me and our boys.

go to csa...how often does he have them?

Dragonfly, that seems to blase for my liking. I understand that he has parental responibility and therefore his time, his choices...but which other mother out there would be happy about this?

Dragon, hardly ever. Sees them once every three weeks at the moment. He's just not interested. He has his new life now.

And I don't see yelling and swearing as a parenting choice or style. Especially when you are a stranger to the child.

His children, he has a legal obligation to support them. You can't stop him letting his unpleasant-sounding GF seeing them, but you can make sure the bugger pays towards their keep.

It's a different parenting style.... if you are indeed a parent! I'm very, very easygoing - I'm happy to put up with most thing if it means an easier ride for my dc, or me, come to that - but some bird swearing at my children? Don't think so. Ex's GF or not.

Hmmm. It all just makes me feel sick. And very nervous of the future when there are going to be so many issues like this to tackle.

I think I'm going to have to offer to pay for him to attend mediation. I get my costs covered by legal aid but maybe he will come if I pay. Not that I have any money though.

Don't you dare offer to pay and go to the CSA whilst you are at it.
If he wants to see them he does so alone at a contact centre until he can be trusted to protect his children during the time he is responsible for them.
Trust me if you moved in a new man who swore at your children you'd have SS breathing down your neck before you could say jack robinson.

Thanks Mama. It's really odd how people's opinions on mumsnet differ so much when it comes to things that happen whilst children are with the other parent.

Half say "it's his time, so suck it up" whilst the other half are outraged. I just don't want someone swearing and shouting at him. If his teacher did it then she would be in trouble. If a stranger in the street did it, they would be arrested.

So, why is it ok when on the other parent's time? Why should I put up with it?

If you did it everyone on MN would be on the phone to childline reporting you.
TBH if your son happened to mention it to his teacher what goes on at dads house, that wouldn't be the worse thing but personally i would withdraw contact and make him take you to court if he can be arsed and you tell the courts your side of the story, see what they make of it.

I just want him to be a good role model. And I don't want to stop contact as I would hate for my children to say when they are older "It's your fault we don't know our father".

Right. Time for another attempt to talk to H and reason with him.

i say what i say after being through court for 2 years....hence reading alot of stories/posts/forums etc on what is and isnt acceptable,so looking at it from a courts perspective

you cannot banish him to a contact centre for this......

he could get a court order. if he wanted. you culd then raise your issues with cafcass.....who i doubt would take them seriously. they see far,far worse

post this on www.wikivorce.com child residency forums....or have a read there

its their word against yours.....the child they could claim,has been manipulated. it happens

pick your battles and keep an eye open,or ear!! what did she actually say??

Good luck with that, i hope it works i really do.

Am just talking from experience when ever i have attempted to be reasonable it gets thrown back in my face and DD suffers, court orders seem to be the only language my ex understands.