If you are happily married is it normal to think about exes?

[Pixie83]

...or am I total bitch??? Sorry if this is long, its hard to get opinions when you don't know the full story...

I'd be really interested to know everyone's opinion on this, anyway. I am very happy with my marriage - I'm quite spoilt really I suppose, DH is lovely to me, puts up with my horrible PMT, does as much around the house and with the children as I do despite him working long hours, and always makes the effort to do romantic things, organise nights out for the two or us, buy me little pressies, etc. We still have a very good sex life despite being together years and years, and I still fancy him alot. All in all I know I'm a lucky bunny.

BUT I seem to go through phases of thinking alot about exes - one in particular actually. We only went out a few times just before I met DH, as he lived a long way away and was due to then go away to America with work. We never even slept together (well we did but we didn't have sex!). When he moved away we used to email each other pages and pages a night, it was quite intense even though we'd never got very physical together. Anyway after a few months it started to get less and less then I met my DH, told the 'ex' the next time I emailed him then we pretty much stopped having any contact, and that was that.

Move on twelve years or so with my lovely DH, nice house, children and generally really happy life, and I found myself looking up exes on a networking site with my friend at work for a laugh, and then I seemed to get a bit addicted to it for a while. I felt a bit worried I was becoming a virtual stalker, so I stopped that (honestly!), but I think seeing a pic of that 'ex' in particular, and that in some of his blurb saying that he'd 'never married or had children, still single' made me wonder what could have been. And now I keep finding myself daydreaming about him, which is mad because I wouldn't want to ever really contact him, or start a fling or something, because I would never risk messing up what I have.

I still love my DH to bits, I would never want to hurt him and the thought of REALLY getting off with somebody else makes me feel a bit sick. And I would go nuts if i knew my DH was thinking about some other woman.

So what's wrong with my brain? Do I just need to grow up?? (I think 'yes' is the answer to that one!).

I never ever think about exes. I only ever think about dh. maybe becasue he is all i have ever wanted.
But I think this is abnomral. Most do, don't they ?
I guess its becasue you think 'what if' about these people. If all your previous relationships had eneded badly, or you had chosen it consciously, or you realised that the person was so so wrong for you, maybe you wouldn't have these thoughts.
that could all be nonsense, or the truth, i'm not sure.

I think the "never married/had children" bit about him tells you all you need to know.
What could have been - well you wouldn't have your lovely husband and children now, would you.

I'm very glad that neither DH, nor I, have any exes, our only history is with each other.

Personally I think if you are not actively going to do anything about it then it is fine to have such fantasies. I wouldnt beat yourself up over it. Thinking about ex's is normal, yes even when you are happily married.

I'm happily married, I sometimes think of exes. In fact, I've just got off the phone from my oldest ex, from more than 30 years ago. We're good friends now, with no lust whatever on my part.
My DP still thinks about exes, too.

In your case, there's no harm in wondering "what if", but as MF says if he's still single that tells you something.

I think Oblomov is right. It's the "unfinished business" feeling, isn't it? Curiosity can be powerful. As long as you never act on it, though, no-one should get hurt. I include looking up exes as acting on it but probably one peep wouldn't do any harm... provided it stops dead there.

Life's full of what-ifs. To be honest the most likely scenario is that you would have had a fling and a laugh with the guy, followed by a good-natured parting of the ways. The worst thing that might have happened would be if, being in a relationship with ex at the time, you had not been available for your DH to ask you out. Maybe now you'd be stalking him on Facebook instead and wishing you hadn't let him get away! However it turned out, it's hard to see how the ex could have been any better than what you got, which sounds fantastic, and it's great that you're wise enough to appreciate it.

I think the "what if"s are always appealing - you never really got together with this guy, so you don't know how much he farted in bed, or his other less-appealing habits. So he assumes "fantasy" status, because you can imagine how wonderful it might have been, without any of the reality of what genuine relationships are like.

In reality, I think the fact that he still hasn't settle ddown 12 years on means that he probably wouldn't have settled down with you either, it would have been a brief relationship with a quick heartbreak at the end and you'd have got over him.

The other thing which is tempting about exes, especially ones from long ago, is that thinking about them takes you back to how you were at that time - footloose and fancy-free, no kids no mortgage, no pile of ironing waiting for your attention.

If its that which is appealing, have a think about how you cen get back your "youthful excitement" while dealing with having committments.

Hiya,

I think about a couple of my exes, and wonder 'what if..?' It's definitely a case of unfinished business - I feel quite sad that those situations weren't properly resolved, but I am happily married and wouldn't change the way things have turned out.

I think it's completely normal - I've been with DH for ten years nearly, so every now and then things get a bit samey and my imagination starts to wander - but then life takes over and it stops again.

Don't beat yourself up about it - see if you can do something nice with your DH, just for you two and because you've been thinking about how lucky you feel. :)

I haven't got any unfinished buisness with any of my exes.

Some of them are lovely chaps and I'm still friends with them after 20+ years but they are exes for a reason.
About two years ago I was having a laugh with one who jokingly said 'I should have married you upahill' when I replied without thinking' I'm so glad you didn't' to which he said 'I bet you are!'

Like I said exes for a reason!!

Thanks for your opinions - what some of you said about the ex still being single after all this time (and he's in his 40's now...) is a very good point. I feel so guilty now for 'putting this out there', albeit annonymously, that I feel like I need to be extra nice to DH tonight now - he won't know what's hit him poor sod

i think its completely normal! When i was happy with my dh, i still sometimes would sit and wonder what it would have been like if i had stayed with one ex or another, and been footloose and free. I think its just a case of wanting whatever you dont have. When i am single i find myself wanting to date someone, yet when i am with someone- particularly when settled down with all the commitments, i find myself yearning to be free.
But thats just me!

dogfish It's not you is it???

PS - I don't think someone's a b*stard because they're still single btw, but when I knew this man he was very career-driven, going round the world at the drop of a hat and was very much a 'batchelor', and he probably still is. So he's probably a nice guy still, but not the settling down 'type', which is exactly what I needed (and now have).