Quick musing on affair

[abedelia]

Just a quickie, but I woke up pondering this last night. (About the long-gone OW's mindset). TBH pondering it is a total waste of time, but I should be doing some work and am procrastinating so I thought I'd have a quick M-net poll!

OK: Let's say you'd been having an affair with a MM and were married yourself. You had admitted you'd considered the impact of the affair before taking it from an EA to PA so knew the consequences on your marriage and DC(s) but didn't care.

Then you were discovered and your H went nuts. You swore you'd not contact the MM again yet did, and when it seemed he was slipping back to his family, wrote pages and pages of 'I'll love you forever no matter what you decide, you are my soulmate and I'll never love again...' emails and tried to call him when you could.

But eventually he said that he didn't want contact anymore. With all those feelings knocking about, would you weaken and call / email / text after a few days/weeks/ a month?

FYI, She never did, not a sausage. I would have, if I'd felt what she claimed, just to see if it had all worked out or if he'd changed his mind.

WWYD?

I would have left it - not sure how much of that would be on a moral basis...

I have a very laissez faire approach to life. If he'd said he didn't want contact, I would take that as his final word, partly out of respect for his decision and his family, partly being scared of an answer that would hurt me. I would then prepare myself for having feelings for someone I would never be with in a stupid-tortured-poet kind of way.

At the first word of rejection, I can cut all feeling dead. It doesn't mean I didn't care, it's a mechanism based purely in self protection.

I can't give a direct WWYD response because I know I wouldn't do that! (...have an affair.)

If after pouring out my heart someone said they didn't want anything more to do with me I hope I would have the good grace to retreat and lick my wounds privately never giving the man who had "dumped" me another chance to see how hurt I was by his rejection.

That would apply regardless of whether he was married/I was married or whatever.

No, but I'd cyberstalk like crazy.
It would also depend on HOW I was told, whether it was a "I love you too but we have to part for both our sakes" or a " go away you stupid person I never felt anything anyway".

More former than latter Taghain, unfortunately (no matter how much within a few days he wished it had been the other way round)

Been there and working through the consequences.
I fell for an MM, as it turned out he just wanted sex and an ego boost. Affair ended due to mutual wish not to hurt families.
I started counselling, told DH about affair and worked hard to see if 24 year marriage could be saved. Asked MM if I left what he would do. He said he loved his wife and wanted to make his marriage work. I haven't contacted him since.
I do care about him and want what is best for him and that seems to be to leave him alone to sort out his dodgy relationship.
I have left DH, feel miserable and will always yearn for XMM.
But actually you could consider if the OW really does care for your DH in an unselfish way she will stay away and hope you and DH work it out and are happy together.
I hope that for you both and for my XMM too. I am just sad that for me and DH it was a fault line that fractured so far that we have been unable to repair it.