how to be nice to my family..?

[dandruffandarguments]

have lived away for years, mixing with people I like and respect. Moving back to home town in a few weeks..... absolutely dreading it.

I don't like my parents much and they are very helicopterish, very controlling, have a lot of points of view that i don't really respect. I think they see me as a humourless party pooper... I see them as lazy, self-indulgent, selfish, incapable of empathy and generally not very nice people. Things are never their fault, always someone else's.... amazing how much of life can be blamed on other people being bastards instead of actually ever shutting up, knuckling down and doing any real work.

My sister is their PFB and now has her own PFB. She is very critical of me for not being involved enough in their lives. The poor little kid (my niece) is being brought up in this poisonous environment with all sorts of screwed-up values.... and immense material wealth bestowed lovingly by my parents, who control my sister's every move with what I would regard as stifling levels of gift-giving. Sister's husband has even more awful parents (more extreme version of the same thing) so goes along with everything from my parents willingly....

Basically I am pretty disengaged, but it's easy to be disengaged when contact is limited to a phonecall every few weeks where I say "mmm... hmmm..." and they prattle on about not much. At close quarters they make my blood boil.

I'm moving home with my partner (he's from the same town, he has a job back there, I don't, it is likely we will get married soon, i will try to get pregnant... with all the awful parental contact that that will inevitably entail... my parents won't take no for an answer about anything, and the only effective way I've found of dealing with it is to withdraw)

Please, how do MNers cope with this kind of thing? I'm beginning to think that high doses of antidepressants are the only way forward.

Even if your partner's job is in the same town, do you have to live in it? Can you live further away?

not really. Far enough away would be >1000 km. Any closer and my family will be moaning that we don't visit every weekend, that they never see us, that we don't seem very interested and don't make enough time for them.

When we do make time for them they are horrible to us about what we do and believe in, tell us we're stupid etc. When we are disengaged we get it in the neck for being too self-important to have time for them.

Actually we just don't really like them that much. They don't understand that other people just might not share their points of view or want to spend time with them. So they harp on endlessly about it.

In some ways they are trying to be nice, but we have had so many arguments where they've told me I'm an idiot for things I regard as perfectly reasonable, I can't imagine that they could think we really have a good relationship.

How to be nice to your family?. You can only continue to disengage from these toxic people as much as humanely possible. You are the scapegoat for their ills; people from dysfunctional families play roles.

Anti d's are not the answer here; you may want to consider counselling. BACP have a list of counsellors and they won't charge the earth. Also counsellors are like shoes, you need to find one that fits.

Is it at all possible that you can both live somewhere else within reasonable commuting distance of his workplace, do you really have to move back to this town at all?.

I would suggest you read the following publications as these may help:-

If you had controlling parents written by Dr Dan Neuharth
Toxic Parents written by Susan Forward

You may also want to look at the "Stately Homes" thread on these relationship pages too.

I almost need to post this on the SN board, as my father is fairly classic aspie and my mother is - well not classic aspie - but extremely limited in her outlook. they're not very bright, despite being very "intellectual". Kind of an academic version of the awful unconventional parents in Viz.

I've spent years kind of going through the grief felt by a new parent of a severely disabled child, wishing I had a family I could relate to. But while parents of SN kids often come to some sort of acceptance, I just don't seem to be able to manage it.... they still make my blood boil every time I'm in the same room.....

I have been on antidepressants before - kind of need that detachment from reality somehow. I suspect alcohol would be a bad choice (I might be too frank).

It's so hard to stop your family from getting your back up. Just last night I threw my phone across the room because of something my sister texted me (posted on another thread) which is totally unlike me. It's only my family that can really rile me up that way.

I've tried to disengage myself as much as possible, but it is really hard. I imagine your parents are a bit like my sister, totally critical, and if you try to argue back it just gets you more criticism. You are the one forever in the wrong and even the most minor action or opinion will attract horror and comment.

All I can recommend is ignoring them as much as humanly possible. Develop a mantra for yourself. My mantras range from "she will not get to me" to "she's a f*ing ignorant twt who isn't worth the s*t on my shoe" depending on how I'm feeling lol. She still gets under my skin but I'm able to talk myself down from it most of the time and just have a sort of pity/contempt for her.

I can totally understand your sense of grief. It is really horrible to realise that you will never have the relationship you want with a close family member and it can be so hard to come to terms with. The thing that keeps me going on that front is that I feel I know how to make things better for my children :)

OK. I'm sure you can accept that there is no chance that they will change their attitudes now. They most likely think that they are helping you by give unwanted "advice". I can see it all makes your toes curl up and it can't be fun.

Damage limitation:

1. Always have a story ready as to why you cannot visit frequently.

1. Make a date with them to go round but make it as far in the future as you are able.

1. Make it a short visit as you have something else that you have to go to and it's important that you dont' miss it. Tickets for something, an ill friend to visit at a certain time, anything.

1. They are not used to seeing you frequently so start as you mean to go on. Every weekend is too much.

1. If/when you get preggers don't tell them too early as "you don't want to jinx it".

1. If you were brought up in this town be aware that you will probably be observed by numerous "friends" of your parents going about your business.

1. If you really hate living so close, your partner needs to look for another job or get a transfer to another area of the country if possible!

Have either of your parents been clinically assessed?. What makes you think AS is present here?.

I would still recommend counselling for your own self rather than solely using anti depressants (which in themselves have their place but may not be appropriate for you here particularly in the long term).

Thank god someone else knows what it feels like. My DP has such a great relatinoship with his lovely parents - as does nearly everyone I know here - that I feel very isolated.

Particularly as we're at the stage when everyone is asking us about things like what our wedding will be like - I just want to cry - the last thing I want is a public occasion where my family get to be degrading and horrible to everyone I know. Similarly things like having kids - the pressure and input from my family would be absolutely vile - and there would be loads of nasty competitiveness from my sister.

Yet everyone I know here doesn't understand (mostly because I smile and say nothing). I can't say to these friends here who love their very nice, sensible, respectful-of-others parents: actually I can't think of anything worse than a wedding or letting my parents anywhere near my kids.

pippop1: thanks for the advice. looks sensible

Attila: father is classic classic aspie, does everything including his own particularly unpleasant version of stimming (swinging his knees in and out while sitting with crotch thrust forward - it's awful). I know - I've got aspergers, have been assessed, done all the tests. It makes me even less sympathetic - if I were NT i might feel sorry for these impaired people. As it is I feel angry that I have had a seriously hard life, made the effort, and more or less overcome the disabling aspects.

Don't think my mother has ever been assessed, but she certainly gets "interested" or startled glances from DP's psychiatrist mum pretty often.

The outcome of various lots of counselling in the past has always been that i need to disengage. I'm trying. Very, very , very hard...

You sound very stressed about all this.
The Toxic parent book mentioned earlier on the thread is a good one.
You must create as much space with your family as you possibly can and concentrate on the good things that you have with your DP. You don't have to get married, or married locally, or even invite your family to the wedding if you do. Don't stress yourself about it. With the support of your DP you can create your own household. Hopefully your sister will remain the main focus of their attention. Also, second the view that if you can live as far away from your DP's work as poss, you might be able to minimise 'bumping into' contact.

It is good to be thinking about this now, if you have no option but to move back, rather than after few months of them setting up the old patterns.

All you can do is control things from your own perspective:

Start as you mean to go on.
Maintain as much distance as possible.
Tell them as little as possible about the detail of your life.
Accept no help, advice or material assistance, ever.
Don't let things slip for a quiet life - be watchful.

If they accept that they are wasting their time on you they might continue to focus on your sister.