Does anyone know anyone who hs been on an abuser programme?

[Supercherry]

Do they ever work?

you mean sex offenders rehab?

Or do you mean to help someone stop committing DV? I don't know. I helpfully sought out a tel no for my ex (I know, I know), but he maintained that anything undesirable in his behaviour was entirely due to me (of course), so I ended up never even giving him the number.

I don't have statistics, but my impression is that the rates of success are not great, and that the programmes can backfire. So someone who used to hit his partner might no longer hit, but may have learned other, more subtle ways to control her.

why do you ask ?

doesn't work, don't bother

Yes, and it didn't work.

The freedom programm is great for those who have suffered at the hands of an abuser but, it does not do so well working on the abuser. IMO.

I mean abuser courses for abusive men, domestic violence not sex offenders. Sorry, should have been more clear.

I've done a little reading upon it myself and yes, it does seem that abusive men do not change. One website implied that there are rare exceptions.

I've passed the information onto my XP who says he wants to change (I know, I know, I've heard it all before too). I've told him not to chanhge for me but to try and change for himself.

Just wondered if anyone actually knew nyone who had completed an abuser course and if they had worked a miracle on anyone.

The freedom programme is only 2 days isn't it? It does seem unlikely that such a short course could make much difference. They state something like 6 out of 10 change for the better.

my ex went on soem kind of course and was very proud of the fact that he was not as bad as the other people - see he only pushed and shoved, he never really beat me up....not tlike the other guys on the course... and any way it was still my fault that i drove him to do this and to smash up my house in front of the Dcs etc...

so - no ...

Cestlavie- my XP did similar. It's depressing. However, he is vowing he is desperate to change. He has booked himself on a 32 wk course called S.A.F.E. Just looked at their website.

I think it's worth a shot as he will always be my children's dad so if he can learn to respect women then that would a massive difference to my DC's lives.

The statistics that show boys who were brought up in an abusive environment are very likely to become abusers frightens me. My oldest is only 2.5yrs so I think I nipped it in the bud in time. Thank god.

Why on earth are you 'helping' your ex with this? He's your ex, leave him in the past.

And no, nothing I have ever heard or read makes me believe they work.

Queen, if she has dcs with him, I think it's legitimate for her to wonder this.

OP, the courses don't have a great record, but if your ex genuinely wants to change and has booked himself on the course, those are good signs. He's unlikely to be a good partner for you, even after the course because it's hard to avoid familiar patterns, but there's a possibility he could challenge his own sense of entitlement and behave better to a new partner, and more importantly, be the best father he is able to be.

Queenofwhatever, he is an ex, yes, but he will always be part of my DCs lives. I realise I sound naive but I'm not unaware of the unlikelihood of him changing. If he did change it would make life alot esier and more pleasant all round.

Nicknametaken, thank you.

I understand the courses work on changing an abusive man's values and attitude to women. I've read that these attitudes, though deeply ingrained, have been learned and therefore with alot of hard work can be unlearned.

No, I didn't mean it quite as bluntly as it might have sounded. I am absolutely for supporting and encouraging people who want to take responsibiltiy for their past actions and help themselves.

But having had an abusive partner, I am very, very familiar with the subtle ways they can make it your responsibility for them changing. It's a shame he doesn't ask his GP, the internet or friends about this. It's bothers me that he's come to you.

I recognise that I'm quite absolute in my views on abusive people (male, female, whatever). I would give so much for my ex to be a decent father, but I don't believe he will even begin to see himself as responsible and these courses can be a way of them showing they have done everything to please us, but still we are these awful harridans.

I would really love to be proved wrong.

Queenofwhatever, I have a similar attitude to you towards abusive men. I think I am very wishful thinking about my ex. I am aware that he may just be doing the whole sorry and remorseful part of the abuse cycle. He does seem genuine but I realise he may be unable to change. The thing that strikes me as hopeful is that in Lundy Bancroft's book, he says, in his experience it is only when a man has lost his partner or is certain to lose her that the possibility for change arises. XP has lost me and he knows it. If he did change, and I could believe it, then there would be a chance for him and me in the future.

He asked me if there was anything he could do at all to show me he was sorry and I said he could enrol on and complete an abuser course. I just pointed him the direction of a website the did the rest.

He hasn't started it yet but I am interested to see what happens.