I'm a Selfish Cow

[Chinchilla]

I feel really horrible, and I need to talk to you all. My mum has today been told that she has an ovarian cyst/tumour, and that it could be cancerous. We are awaiting results of a blood test to see if it is. Either way, she needs to have the affected ovary removed, and possibly the other one too. Obviously she is really gutted and shocked. I am too.

I am surprised by the depth of my upset over this, as we did not get on at all when I lived at home. It is a long story, suffice it to say that I have had two long bouts of counselling, three periods of depression and I still cannot stop looking back. I constantly blame her for my unhappiness, and although we get on now, I have still not forgiven her for all the hurt she caused me as a child and teenager.

Thanks Lou. I've had counselling twice (!), and although it helped, I don't think that it would make much difference now. I'm kinda all talked out! I don't know what I need, but I just know that my pills aren't working

I'll get through it all, I've done it before. It's just hard knowing that it wil probably happen again, another 2 or 3 years down the line. Sometimes I get dark thoughts about wanting it all to end IYKWIM, but having ds makes that feeling a bit less urgent.

I do kwym Chinchilla, that's why my offer is always open to you.

chinchilla my mum goes for tests in a few weeks and i ahev just been moaning(on here not to her about her favouring my sisters kids) I too feel guilty about that,

I think that the point is that you can still love someone, whilst not liking them very much. So don't feel guilty (says she!)

I am going to say it again and I don't mean to sound awful but I am so, so, envious of you both as you both have your Mum here still.

Even if you never got on with them, when they die, it is the worst time of your life. I used to get depressed before but nothing can ever prepare you for the death of a parent.

You are no longer someone's daughter and you no longer have a Daddy or Mummy and it is like no other feeling.

The only thing that keeps me going is my Mum because she needs me, my dp and of course, more than anything, my ds as he is life and he is the future.

Please believe me when I ask you to cherish every moment you have with your parents and, even if you don't get on very well, make such an effort to be nice because I don't want you to feel guilty when they have gone and sit there thinking "why did I do this" etc etc.

Chinchilla - same goes for me, if you want to e-mail me and talk, please let me know......

LOL

The really weird thing is that I do like her now, as a friend. I didn't think that I had any daughterly feelings for her, until this scare. I do love her, but I can't forgive the past. I like the person she is now, but can't forget the woman that she was. In order for us to spend time together, we both have to avoid any talk of the past. She has tentatively made comments before, but I have given her short shrift, because to talk about it brings all the rage and hate back. She seems to need catharsis, but I can't give it to her. I know that I have hurt her over this before, but I sort of feel that it is her own fault, while I know that it was circumstances that caused it, not her exactly. When we act as friends, we get on really well, and spend time together having fun.

Baba - thanks for the thought. I appreciate it very much.

Mum had her op today. It was a tumour (benign) on her fallopian tube. She seemed quite perky this evening when I popped round to see her. Tired, but OK. I am currently havong to stop myself getting too sentimental and protective. Am trying to step back a bit. Will keep you posted. Thanks again for listening.

Hope she does ok chinchilla, LOL and cyberhugs coming your way .

Chinchilla - I am glad to hear that the op went well and have been sitting here looking at this thread trying to piece together some advice or answer but it is so hard.

My mother died when I was 11 months old and I have always felt liek paret of me was missing - I do not know what she was like in any way and feel jealous and cross when the death fo a mother affects somone so badly - when Princess Diana died all I could think was that at least they had their mother for the important oart of their life. Sounds selfish I know but I was just so envious - I would have loved to have her for another 10 years just so that I knew her and could see why I am the person I am today. Saying that I can speak about her most of the time without being upset and when people ask me about her I get embarrassed that I do not show more emotion.

As for the terrible things that have happened between you in the past, I had that with my stepmother - I still am going through it now. I have tried to sit down and ask her and all I got was exciuses and lies. She denies lots of the things that happened to both myself and my older sister when we were smaller (I stole 20p once and she held my arm on the table whilst my dad held a carving knife above telling me they would cut off my hand like they did in the middle east - I was 6 years old) - she completely denies this and seems to think it is all in my mind - I know for sure it wasn't and so want to have it out with her - I want to understand why, why me, what was wrong with me that she did not love me like other children were loved by their mothers.

At the end of the day I think her guilt stops her from admitting anything and actually confronting what went on. She was completely different with her children!! It is hard - you I am sure want to forget that part of your life but maybe your mother feels guilty, maybe the success you are making of bringing your children up is a big red reminder of the hash she made of it.

Its hard - mothers are hard - I do not know any woman who has had a perfect relationship with theirs, my best friends mum was abused and beaten and had an awful life yet her mother denies it all and she is 75 - they have a relationship where it is just not mentioned - although she did question her parenting abilities once and I witnesses row of all rows with a lot of the details which horrified me coming out.

I know this does not answer any questions and is me just venting I suppose but there it is.