Long distance relationships. Is there any hope?

[skinnymalinki]

Recently got together with an old friend who lives a long distance away. We havent seen each other for some years and when we met up again, it was clear there was still chemistry between us.
It was overwhelmingly romantic and intense, kind of took my breath away. He was seriously discussing a possible future together and how could we do it.
However after a while he backed off and said we had to be practical and it just wasnt feasible due to the distance. He stopped all contact.

Of course he is right but, I cant stop thinking about him now he has gone.
Feel like a heartbroken teenager again.

Is there any point in attempting to make this work or trying to convince him that it could?
We are both single. Noone else would get hurt except us.

Has anyone survived a long distance relationship and had a happy ending?

I've done (very) long distance but only when it was a temporary measure and we had a plan to live closer together.

I think the fact that he backed off tells you everything you need to know

Youre probably right.
But I was a bit of a mess when I met him at first and gave very mixed signals.
Had just split up from a long relationship and was certainly not planning to meet someone else so quickly.
Oh how I wish I could do it all again properly.

Would like to tell him that but dont want to appear clingy now.

Oh skinnymalinki, you poor thing.

I am of the belief that in the UK, distance isn't insurmountable. It is possible to be in a relationship with someone and do the long distance thing, but usually would require one to relocate at some point - I suppose it depends if either one is prepared for that, and can be more complicated if not (perfectly reasonable to want to stay where they are).

I would do well to take this advice myself, but if a man needs convincing that you're a catch, he's not worth it.

Not to give false hope but if it is just the case that he's come out of a relationship, that's fine too, he needs time to heal and if he wants to find you again when that time comes, he will.

Relieved, its only myself that has come out of a very long relationship.
He admitted he hadnt had a relationship at all for two years through his own choosing, and had decided he would only consider another one if it was with a view to long term.(I assumed til now only women thought like that, but was impressed by his honesty and his abstinence).
I put two and two together and think he had been very hurt by his previous girlfriend who left him.

Its too complicated to go into but I think I hurt him, without meaning to. He was very angry with me over a misunderstanding and I never got chance to explain myself.

Sadly he isnt in the UK but a very long flight away.
When looking at any future together he said he would be prepared to move back to be in the UK and would I consider moving to London to be with him. I said that was an option.

A RL friend said he has retreated to his 'cave' and I should leave him for a while.

Am so desperately sad. Think it could have been really good.

Ah I see. Well I can see it is complicated then. Your friend in RL might have a point.

yes

so do I write him a short note in a while?

And how long do I leave it if I do?

Its been 3 weeks since he left.

God I wish I could get him out of my head.

I had a long distance relationship a long time ago. I was going to move to Italy to be with him. I had so many other things to do and a very messy head to sort out. I was in love with him for a long time afterwards.

Like you, I was didn't get a chance to explain my situation. I think in retrospect that he may not have wanted to know, and it's so hard to articulate with any speed what is happening!

Have you any means of communication? If you are in contact, it may be worth a go. But you may have to accept that it not a good time for him.

I hope you get some resolution. A big Mumsnet hug to you.

I met my husband overseas and was with him for a year before moving back, was then faithful for another year or two while he was over there before we finallyy got together. We were together ten years in all before it ran it s course. Dunno if that helps but it can be done

I want him to know Im sorry for being erratic and to clear up the misunderstanding.

Have written 3 letters this past week and then torn them all up.

Should I write to him or not?

Is it just too late/pointless?

I've never been in one but my work crush is in one and they seem very happy together. I think it is very possible to make it work.

However, you have things you want to say and at this stage, he either isn't that inot it or he has all these fears. Say what you need to say, get rid of the what ifs and then you'll really know.

I married my long distance relationship (he was in NE and I was in London) and we now have a nearly 3 year old. Not sure of the distances involved with you but it can be done

Yes they can work, I was 290 miles away from my boyfriend for 3 years whilst at university, we are still together and stronger than ever :)

Good luck!! You can make it work :)

DH is in the Navy. We have spent a long time apart. In 15 years, we have probably lived together less than 5 years consistently. Plus a lot of weekends and holidays. It works, but you need to be pretty independent. and trust is very important. For me, if that was broken, I think it would be impossible to restablish, given our circumstances.

I'd write. See what the response is. good luck.

just realised he is in different country. For most of the past year DH was in the middle east (8 months with 1 weeks leave). He has also spent long periods under water....it can work. But it needs committment.

Have only read your post but what bollocks? Why would it not work? If he really liked you distance is not a problem.
I have known my fiancé for years and years, he lived 180 miles away and we would meet ip when he came home to visit with all our mates. I hadn't seen him for 2 years and we met up we were both out celebrating our birthdays and he drunkenly said he fancied me.
4 and a half years on I moved to be with him, we have a 9 month ds a d are getting married next year. We travelled at weekends to see each for over a year til he asked me to move in. It was a pain but we did it cos we wanted to.
Sorry but I just don't think he's interested.

Ok have now read all of thread. Think you should write a letter. Just saying you really like him and would like to try a relationship. See what he says if it's still no then you will have to accept that it wasn't meant to be.

Well, on balance, I'd say yes, write a letter. As short and sweet as you can - simple explanation to clarify whatever was misunderstood (if only for your own peace of mind) and also a simple statement that you would be interested in taking things further and to let you know if he feels the same way.

Long distance isn't easy but it can work. I have had two. The one in the UK didn't work, but the one "across borders" did. The one that worked was with a friend I had known from years back - we had one year of transatlantic before his job transferred him to Europe (not the UK) and another 3 years of a cross border relationship. Then his European post ended and I went back with him to the US. So it's not a long distance relationship any more.

I'd echo what others have said - you do need trust and commitment and in my case I think we were very lucky. Even though we weren't in the same country our jobs gave us extra chances to meet up and planning ahead meant that weekends could be quite cheap.

Without the move to Europe I don't think we would have carried on. Also, knowing that his European assignment was temporary meant that there was another natural decision point a few years later (assuming we hadn't given up in the meantime).

Or to cut a long story short - I do think long distance can work, and extremely happily at that, but it does need a good wind behind it.

Your friend may be worried that regular contact would be difficult - he may or may not be right. But I'd say it was at least worth putting your own mind at rest and making sure that things don't fizzle out due to a simple misunderstanding.

I messed him about due to nerves.
I was with my ex for 10 years and so this was all very scary and new. My head was still allover the place, trying to start a new life as a single Mum.
I wasnt unkind, I just called it off a few times as it was just getting started really.
I wouldnt be seen out and about with him as I was concerned about my still jealously possessive ex seeing him.

Then finally, we decided it was really worth trying to make it work and he told me he really liked me and would I even consider a long term future with him if he came back? I said I would, and meant it. After all, we did know each other pretty well years ago.

Just before he went back, he mistakenly thought I had a fling with someone else while we were together, and I havent had chance to tell him it was completely untrue.
I texted him he ignored it.
I rang him and he just got angry and said to leave him alone.

So I have and 4 weeks ago he went back home.

So I am stuck really.
But at what point do you cross the line and become viewed as a stalker?

Should I just nurse my broken heart and move on?

help?