Did I drive him to drink?

[stampingmybigangryfeet]

He says I did. We have been split on and off for about a year, a lot to do with his drinking (up to ten cans a night). He spent all our money, was verbally and occasionally physically abusive. He says it was because I nagged him and made him so unhappy.

This past week he has stopped drinking and told me that he realises it was being with me that made him drink. All that went wrong in the relationship was down to him drinking (infidelity, constant blaming me if anything ever went wrong, name calling, pawning our stuff for drink etc), but I was the one who drove him to drink apparently so it all works out neatly to have been my own fault because I was so impossible to live with he had to drink. I am scared he might be right and that feels pretty bad tbh.

Not sure what I am asking really. Just feel horrible.

Dont. He is shifting the blame to you so that he does not have to face up to his responsibilities. If YOU drove him to drink, he does not need to reassess himself. He is taking the easy way out. Just ignore him. You nagged him because he was a shit partner.

my little love! , no way did you make him drink!, he chose to!, i speak as an alcoholic!

an alkie can blame anything in teh world for choosing to drink - the weather, twatty diy, dogs shitting on the grass, nagging partners, crying kids, you name it! he is being cruel to you and is lying to himself and is a general shit for doing so!

unless you sat on him, held his mouth open and poured it in THERE IS NO WAY YOU MADE HIM DRINK!!

Unless you held a knife to his throat and made him drink, you didn't drive him to it.

Is he still drinking?

No has been stopped for a week. During this time he has realised it was all me apparently as now we are living apart he has been able to stop. We have been living apart for a while though and he was still drinking but managed to stop this week because he realised I drove him to it.

Gosh, I bet you're glad to see the back of him.

I drink more when my DH is around, less when he's on business, but I'm talking about a glass of wine!

You know that he's talking rubbish, but let's say it's true(suspend all common sense) why did he stay with you if you were soooooo damaging?

He chose to buy the drink.
He chose to open the bottle.
He chose to pour the bottle into the glass.
He chose to lift the glass to his lips.
He chose to drink it.

None of that is anything to do with you. It was all his choice.

People with drink/drug problems will blame anyone and anything they can think of for their choices. That's because it's a hell of a lot easier for them to blame other people than to realise that they have fucked up their lives purely through their own actions.

Now, he might have used the old line of "stampingmybigangryfeet is such a nagging bitch that I deserve a drink!" to justify his drinking to himself. Alcoholics love to self-justify their choices and "you'd drink too if you had my problems" is a very popular one. But then so is "I've had a crap day so I need a drink to unwind", "I've had a great day so I need a drink to celebrate", "I'm bored so I'll have a drink to cheer myself up", "I'm with friends so let's all have a drink" and so on and so forth. It's all bullshit self-justification and none of it is worth listening to.

He's only been sober a week. That's nothing. And that's assuming he's telling you the truth about his drinking. I have learned the hard way with my alcoholic ex that it is very unwise to believe a single word she says about her not drinking unless I have evidence as she habitually lies about it.

Leave him to his sad little fantasies and pathetic self-justifications about why he drank. The bottom line is he drank because he chose to.

Sweetheart, it's not true. He's behaving like a coward. It's easier for him to laash out and blame you than face up to himself and his problems.

He is responsible for being an alcoholic, for being unfaithful and for his general unhappiness. Not you.

I know it's difficult to hold onto that truth when you're in the relationship and are used to being someone's emotional punchbag. It's exhausting and so easy to doubt yourself.

Have you thought about getting some support for yourself in all this?

Joining in with JWN from the drinkers thread. You did not make him drink - he made the choice, each and every time it was down to him.

Please don't let him blame you. He chose to stop drinking this week, he could have made that choice when he was with you but he finds it more convenient to blame you rather than take responsibility for his behaviour.

Its not you. Its him. And he is an arse for blaming you.

Well naughty, naughty you for forcing him to spend your money, pawn your belongings, verbally and physically abuse you, shag around and be a fuckwit.

Please, please keep away from him so when he starts drinking again (and he will) he can't blame you, and more importantly, you can't blame yourself.

He'll be drinking again soon (if he really has stopped) until he realises that the only reason he drank was himself.
Thinking of you. x

You don't seriously think he's right do you? Its typical alcoholic behaviour, they shift responsibility for their own behaviour on to anyone else. Apparently it was my nagging and moaning that made my ex drink. Every bad thing he ever did was someone elses fault because they 'provoked' him. You are well rid

Heavens darling - did you drag him kicking and screaming to the car, strap him in then force him with your mascara wand into the pub? Are you the woman who forced him to quaff gallons of booze by holding his nose?

No - I thought not. You need to move on and so does he, you cannot help him, he will need to to do this himself in his own time... believe me I know as my eldest brother is a recovering alcoholic.

Of course not. He needs someone to blame for being a pillock and you are the easiest target.If not you, then it would be work or his mother or the government or the fairies at the bottom of the garden.

It's so much easier than dealing with the real cause.

And stop believing what he says. If you've survived all that, you are worth a great deal more than you give yourself credit for.

Of course you did not drive him to drink. Do not listen to his poisonous words.

Do not let him back into your life under any circumstances. You in particular are far better off being apart from such a selfish individual.

Even if you were the greatest nagging nightmare of a shrew ever born you cannot drive another person to drink. That is because it is the drinkers CHOICE how to deal with your nagging or whatever. They have the choice whether to leave, or throttle you or drink or take drugs or do transecendental meditation or go and live in the shed, in order to deal with whatever is bothering them.

If you had decided to embark on a career as a heroin addict would it be his fault for being an alcoholic tosser? No! It would be your fault for choosing to deal with the problem in that way.

If he has decided to stop drinking he is at the start of a very long road of self analyis but blaming you or any other external influence is self delusion and a total failure in even beginning to address his problem.

Come to think of it, why are you acting as his unpaid councellor? (sp?)
Tell him to fuck off to an AA meeting. They'll soon tell him what drove him to drink.

you definately did not drive him to drink. He is just putting the blame on you. He sounds horrid - best rid, and most of all good luck x

Next time he says something like that, practise replying in a bored tone of voice something like "That's nice, dear" or "if you say so" - regardless of how it makes you feel. He'll soon give up if he doesn't get a rise out of you. Some people seem to thrive on making other people feel like crap.

Thank you all. Only just got back to this.

Well he was out last night as I rang to ask him about something to do with dc . We certainly hadn't had any kind of row or even seen each other for a few days so not sure how I drove him to fall off the wagon this time.

Then a flurry of viciousness of MSN this morning (the usual when hung over). For once I was able to actually see the conversation as written on MSN and see what an arse he is. Usually it is verbal and he ends up tying me up in knots. It was good to see how reasonable I was (until he started being abusive that is).

Thank you again, I get that horrible hollow feeling in my stomach when he says it was me that drove him to drink. I can't stand the thought of that, it makes everything that has happened all my own fault if I was just so unbearable to live with. I don't really believe it tbh but I don't think I helped. Mind you in the last few years of the relationship I just stopped talking about his drinking altogether, there was no point.

it's not your fault, it's never your fault...

it's my fault DS dad smokes apparently but when I wasn't there, he smoked himself into hospital... so where's the logic...

Blokes like them have no ability to take any responsibility for anything, if he has left, great, make sure you keep it that way, let him go, as far away as possible, cos he will never stop blaming everyone else around him.

Al Anon might help you if you need reassurance - the 3 C's Didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it. I am living with alcoholic dh and know he would like to blame me and the kids and the rest of the world which treats him so badly, for all his woes. Al Anon doesn't have all the answers (for me) but it has helped me on a basic level to know IT's NOT ME, IT's HIM! x

Hey Stamping,

I'm glad he drank and you can see it's nothing to do with you. Alcoholics can be mean, cruel, manipulative, conniving, unreasonable, selfish and some - I know, I am one.

It takes longer than a week to front up to the real reasons for drinking to excess, like someone before me said, he should get to an AA meeting and have his selfish eyes opened. I also second Al-anon for you to get some clarity - you are not responsible for him or his actions. It sounds like you are definitely better off without him.

Take care x