How to stop arguments lasting days

[notasize10yetbutoneday]

DH and I have been together for 8 years and married for 3. I would describe us as being blissfully happy 90% of the time. We are loving and thoughtful to one another, considerate, etc.

Historically we have had a pattern of being like this but with having one or two massive arguments a year. The arguments don't have a pattern as to the cause just that it tended to happen once a twice a year and would escalate quite quickly into being very hurtful- no name calling or swearing but being sarcastic to one another, bringing up past mistakes, that kind of thing. Due to the scale of the argument and the fact that we do love each other very much, these arguments take us several days to get back to normal after apologising/making up. By which I mean we are both feeling a bit fragile emotionally for a few days afterward and not quite 'us' if that makes sense. After the arguments we both say 'its so awful when we argue, I hate the way we get when we argue, lets never get like that again' but inevitably it does happen again.

Which is fine (sort of) when these arguments only happen once/twice per year but just recently they have increased in frequency. A major factor is that we moved house 3 months ago into a house which needed a lot of work doing to it so both time and money have been in short supply. Also DH is worried about his job security but in all honesty I'm not sure how valid that concern is or if its being used a little as an excuse.

So just recently we seem to be in a cycle of being very happy, loving, etc for several weeks then out of nowhere an argument starts and as always escalates quickly. We both find it really upsetting once we have calmed down so it is really ridiculous that we are still doing it but its almost like we are caught in a 'fog' during the arguments and only afterwards it lifts and we think 'what the hell were we so mean to each other for?'.

I would be really grateful for anyone's advice on
a) how we can avoid these disagreements escalating to such an extent
b) how we can then forget about them and move on instead of stewing/going over them in our heads.

Thank you to anyone who read this essay!

My DH and I were in a similar cycle and I decided that one of us hd to break it....was hard...when you feel anger towards them for mean comments etc....but what I did was as soon as a row started brewing, I would say that I was NOT going to argue...and that I was taking an hour away..then I would go ot for a walk.

IN that time both of us cooled down and usually we could talk properly.

Also, when a row begins...if it's over something stupid...which it often is if it's due to a build up of stress...I do something funny/silly....I have broken into a silly dance routine....I have burst into song...done a stupid walk as I left the room and so on...it works for us as it serves to remind us that life's too short to waste time arguing.

That might not work for everyone though! My DH and I have a relationship based on comedy as both of us are actors...I think another good tactic is to be really kind....when they have a go at you...just come back with luuurrrve.....think Ghandi.....and don't bite..

If YUOU fnd yoursself pcking, then step back, leave the room and explain you need an hour alone.

Remember moving is stressful...it sounds normal....just need a coping strategy!

Your husband is a lucky man Anenome :)

Kudos to you and your attitude!

It sounds a bit to me as though there are some issues between you both, so there is stuff that he has done (or does regularly) that you have not forgiven him for. With myself and dp I had to decide what needed dealing with and what i should just forget about. For the former is was actually enough for me to say. I was really hurt when you did x, can you see why.

Yeah it's not good when you're always throwing things from the past back in each others' faces. At some point you have to forgive and draw a line under past mistakes otherwise you are just going to keep having the same argument over and over.

Thank you all, definitely food for thought there. Anemone I really like the sound of your approach to nip arguments in the bud before they begin- actually i had forgotten i used to do this years ago! Whenever one of us snapped or spoke unkindly I would 'flash' DH just to break the tension .

Witchwith and Madonna- I think you are right about drawing a line under things andd moving on. I don't seem to be able to do this at all, its like I have this crazy all or nothing mentality- one minute everyhting is perfect, the next minute we are in an argument and I am making out to him like I am desperately unhappy about x,y,z- whereas if i stopped and thought I would realise that yes whilst i am a little peeved about x,y,z its not the end of our marriage and not worth being unhappy for days about.

How do I stop doing this?!!!

It sounds like you're more angry about something than you realise. Maybe if you could identify the thing/s that send you into a rage you could examine why it/they push/es your buttons so easily and try to work through it?

What sort of things are x,y,z? Are they inconsequential in the big scheme of things or are they quite significant breaches of trust or especially hurtful actions on his part?

Oh no nothing like that- nothing really compared to some of the awful behaviour other posters on this board have to put up with. I suppose I do have very high standards and to be honest written down it looks rather pathetic hence I wouldn't discuss it with RL friends. I suppose I feel resentment at present because:

1. It is my birthday on Friday and whilst I know he hadn't forgetten in the sense that he has bought presents which I have seen wrapped up, he forgot that it was on Friday and made plans to do something else.

2. As I mentionned we moved into a house that needed complete redecroation. We have had people do the work but I have project managed the entire thing- making zillions of phonecalls, arranging times, chosen all the colour schemes and soft furnishings and done all the shopping for everyhting in the new house. Which I don't mind (although should say we both work FT)as I would say my taste in decor is preferable to DHs but a thank you or a bunch of flowers would have been nice!

3. Us having a conversation - about future plans, something which has happened that day, etc and him completely forgetting the entire conversation. By this I don't mean something I mentionned in passing, I mean actual entire conversations lasting several minutes.

Am I over-reacting? I think i am. I just seem to take these events- which are not intentional on his part,I know that, he would never intentionally upset me and interpret them as 'Great, thats ANOTHER time he hasn't listened to me. Why does he never listen to me? Why isn't what I say important?' thus forgetting the 'bigger' picture and all the times when he has been very thoughtful and has listened to me.

Notasizetenyet

My strategy only came about after we got into such a distructive cycle that we almost broke up....something had to give....it's so mch better now....I think marriages/relationships go through lots of phases which are often dictated by the sort of environment or cicumstances you're living in...when you get into the crazy all or nothing mentality....it really is as simple as reminding yourself that you're not really like that....and physically walking away....I say "Sorry...not normal right now!" and whizz off for a bath..which usualy helps!

Doing something physical changes your mindset.

I dunno, I can understand why you'd be angry at having been so unsupported while you're renovating the house. From what you've described he does sound very disengaged - that would drive me mental too. Especially the forgetting of the conversation part.

Does he acknowledge that he's been acting out of order or does he think it's normal or ok to forget entire conversations or let you take on all of the work while he does nothing?

If I'm way off the mark here please feel free to ignore me but I think the most telling thing you have said is "one minute everyhting is perfect, the next minute we are in an argument". Is it possible that, like all relationships, everything is not perfect but you have a perfectionists desire to want it to be so you go for several weeks ignoring all the tiny day-to-day things that wind you up/irritate you and then eventually all that builds up and you have a falling out over something that you don't really even care that much about. I think you need to just accpet that nothing is perfect - deal with the small stuff as it comes up without over-stressing about things and using humour to keep it calm. You can be deeply in love and very happy with someone even if there are things about each other that drive you a bit mad - that's just the nature of relationships.

Thnk you all again- you really have no idea how helpful this is, I feel like I/we are getting somewhere here.

Madonna- no, he gets quite upset about how forgetful he is- he DOES have a shockingly bad memory and this tends to get worse when we have a lot going on as we do now, so I am torn between not wanting to make him more upset about it and wanting to say yes, it is not ok that you did this, actually. The forgetting entire conversations is a recent development and I would say has been brought about by increased busy-ness/stress at work.

The house thing- he was involved to the extent that I would say 'im thinking of doing the spare room in lilac and white', he would say 'that sounds nice' and then i would buy stuff and he would admire it all when it was done but didn't play an active role as such. he would probably say, if challenged, 'you never asked me to', which is true, I just sort of got on with it because I knew he didn't want to come curtain shopping etc.

Glasscompletely- oh, how you have hit the nail on the head! I am renowned by F&F as being a perfectionist. Yes- I think when we argue it is never about anything that awful or terrible- but in my head its like an alarm going off- Warning1 Warning Interruption to domestic harmony!" and then I panic more, if that makes sense?

I could see myself doing 1 and 3 as I'm more absent minded than my husband and rubbish with dates.
I tend to do most organising etc, but work fewer hours.
None of these would make me angry though. If I wanted to do less organising I'd give bloke more jobs to do. If I wanted thanks I'd ask him for a big hug which he'd happily give.
I don't see the point in getting angry because someone has forgotten a conversation. Irritated and a bit exasperated yes, but not angry, and not for days.

I think you just need to accept that everything is not perfect but that it's still fine and lovely. And most importantly you are not responsible for making it perfect either. It's OK for things to be difficult sometimes and for your domestic bliss to be challenged. it's all part of the fun of being in a relationship!