Need Some Relationship Advice - Please

[RegularMNerNeedsAdvice]

Hi everyone,

I am a regular who has name-changed as DH sometimes Googles my usual nickname (don't get me started on that!). It is a long back-story which I'll try to give you so I don't end up drip-feeding you information. This may be long, please bear with me.

DH and I have been married for just over 7 years. Everything was great to begin with and then as various elements in our lives caused stress, it began to reflect in our marriage.

We tried for 3.5 years to get pregnant and, after a lot of tears and frustration, we were finally blessed with out dd in December 2007. These few years were extremely difficult for both of us and we often had arguments about whether we should continue trying.

While I was pregnant, we made the decision to emigrate to Canada. We submitted all our paperwork in January 2008 and received confirmation in June. We immediately put our flat on the market with plans to emigrate as soon as it sold. We got a buyer 2 weeks later and began making plans to fly to Canada in November. Two weeks before we were set to fly, our buyer withdrew. We then had 3 more successive buyers, all of whom withdrew their offers for various reason. This was so difficult to deal with and we both got incredibly depressed about it. We had invested a huge amount of time and money in it and because we kept reducing it to get a buyer, we were faced with the prospect of going into negative equity.

The loss of the 4th buyer was more than I could take. We had both become unbearable to live with and were arguing constantly. In March 2009 I told my DH how unhappy I was and that I wanted to leave. Not just because of our relationship but because I couldn't bear to be in the flat any longer. I rented a 2 bedroom townhouse and we shared access to our dd - I had her Thursday night to Monday night and he had her Monday night to Thursday after work.

While we were apart we went to Relate every week and decided we loved each other enough to try to make our marriage work. We began "dating" and when the flat finally sold in July 2009 (for £25,000 less than the original sale price), DH moved in to the townhouse with us.

It was absolutely wonderful! We laughed again and spent time together as a family, our sex life dramatically improved and we were both happy with how well our time in counseling had improved our relationship. Unfortunately, due to the drastically reduced sale price and a £13,000 debt (my student loans), Canada would have to be put on hold possibly for a few years.

Over Christmas and New Years, we spent quite awhile working out our finances and decided that if we REALLY tightened our belts, we could probably make it to Canada for July 2010 (my mom's wedding). And we did it! We lived on a weekly shopping budget of £45 and all the luxuries were completely cut out. We sold everything of value we had accrued over the year and raised quite a substantial amount of money in Ebay. From January until the end of May we saved/raised over £14,000 and paid off all our debts. The plane tickets were booked and we were both so excited that Canada was finally happening.

We spent the first two months living with my mom and step-dad (not ideal really, especially for DH). DH was unhappy and was a misery for those two months. We argued all the time and we were both second guessing our decision.

We moved into our own place (rented) 3 weeks ago and I had hoped things would improve. Unfortunately, I still haven't found a job (not through lack of trying) and while we can survive on DH's income, it doesn't allow for any savings or emergencies in case something happens in the UK. We are still sniping and bitching at each other fairly often. We had a stupid argument tonight over nothing and we didn't speak to each for the rest of the night (juvenile I know).

I just really need some advice. I do love him and I know he loves me. But since we got here he has become so strict and harsh with our dd - she is such a good girl, but she's 2 and has days where the terrible 2s rear their head. He cannot take her whining and crying and, rather than talk to her, jumps right to yelling at her and telling her she's naughty and "making daddy sad". I can't take it and it makes me miserable trying to defend her.

I am not faultless and I won't pretend I am. I am so stressed about a job and I know I take it out on him. I have loved being a SAHM for the last couple of months, but I know me and I need to work. I have been pretty down about being unable to get a job and I end up bitching at him for stupid little things.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I thought it would be better if I could give you as much of a history as I can. It really feels like we are slipping back to where we were before we separated last year. I desperately do not want that to happen. Does anyone have any ideas on how to ease the stress and get our marriage back on track? We are more like roommates at the moment. I'm willing to take any and all suggestions. Just remember, we are on a single income, so "date nights" and trips out really aren't an option. Thank you so so much for reading this far.

No one?? Or have you all fallen asleep reading this??

Well it's 12.45am here so I am going to have to head up to bed. I'll be back around lunch-time (UK time). Please - any and all advice is welcome, even if it's "stop being such a bitch".

Hey... I'm here... Not sure I'm any use, but FWIW... I think give it a little time.

Date nights don't have to cost anything. Time together is what's needed and you can do that on an old DVD and bangers and mash for dinner. Making the effort is what's required.

Hope you get some sleep... I've been up for hours already and it's only 6am here!!!

Just really fast, but the two of you have been through a huge amount of stress, and your DH sounds actually depressed and needs to see a doctor. The thing he does with your DD (making daddy sad, boak) has to stop.

It also seems to me that you are both happier planning things and trying to make things happen (the baby, selling the flat, going to Relate, moving to Canada) than you are at actually standing still and taking it one day at a time, living in the here and now. Maybe you both crave excitement?

Or maybe one of you does the driving and the other is along for the ride but finds it all a bit too fast or scary at times? Whose ideas were all of the items you managed to accomplish over the past 5 years?

What sort of planning went on wrt actually living day to day in Canada, especially wrt your job I'm guessing your DH got some sort of a reasonable job that was either the same or an improvement over what he was doing in the UK, but if you are a person who really needs to work, why wasn't this aspect of things planned carefully? Why leave the UK in such a hurry that you didn't have a place of your own to live in when you arrived what were you getting away from and what were you hoping for in Canada? Are you both 'big picture' people or is one of you the person who sweats the details? (I don't think you're both 'detail' people.)

Some of your post sounds familiar, ie, moving to another country and then being completely miserable and second guessing the decision.

We moved to the other side of the world four months ago. In the week we moved OH said that he hadn't wanted to move, and all the while we had planned it hadn't wanted to move. He has a job that is making him really really unhappy and he is so grumpy. Every couple of weeks he has a big flair up and takes it out on me by arguing and getting cross with me for things he wouldn't necessarily have got so cross with before (like putting sweet potato in a curry).

We were arguing a lot in the UK and I naively thought that moving would help - what an idiot.

We have a DS, nearly 3, and a DD, 15 months. DS is getting quite difficult now - within normal range of difficult though.

OH and I spend a lot of time analysing our decision to move, our relationship, our DS (who has to see a few health professionals). Talking about it really helps. When OH is in a complete strop then I try to ride the wave so to speak and then say that this is just because we are still trying to get used to living in a different country, we haven't found a house yet, so our stuff is in storage, and we have just experienced an earthquake!

We don't go out, we sit opposite each other on the computer of an evening, or watch telly, but we do talk about things once we have both calmed down.

Your situation sounds like a tough one, and although you were getting on in the UK, it sounds like your troubles were relatively fresh, so dealing with a difficult situation can be ten times worse.

OH and I really try not to argue in front of DS and DD, but that is really hard, and last week, when I was feeling particularly miserable DS was really acting up, perhaps a reaction to my mood.

Talking about our situation and accepting that we are acting badly has made OH and my situation a bit better, but it has been hard not to let myself argue when he is being really argumentative and "telling me off".

So, while blethering on about myself, I suppose I am saying if you talk to your DH about it and look at why you are bickering etc, it may ease the situation.

HTH and I hope things get better for you.

He sounds depressed. Maybe some more counselling? As it worked so well last time, but this time maybe he should do it on his own? Sorry cant be more help.

youknowmeasharimo - thank you for the advice. Maybe I'll try this tonight. Give DD her dinner a little earlier and then make something for just DH and I once she is in bed. Thanks for the idea! :)

mathanxiety - I know my DH is depressed. He has always suffered from some form of it but would never ever admit that. At the risk of pissing off a huge proportion of MN - he doesn't actually think depression exists and would never see a doctor simply because he was feeling down. As for the "you make daddy sad" - I hate it and I always have. It's just recently he started saying it but it has stuck and my dd constantly parrots "are you happy" to everyone! I have told him repeatedly that I hate it and it's going to turn her into a teenager-adult who is desperate to please her daddy, her boyfriend, her husband. [shudder] He says it works so why stop?

I think you may be right that we are both happier planning things (I know this definitely rings true for me at least). I use to crave excitement before I met my DH. I remember in Uni wanted to go skydiving and para-sailing, snorkeling, traveling. DH thought these things were silly and dangerous so I stopped mentioning them. I can't say that my DH craves excitement as he seems quite happy just trundling through life.

I think at different times, we have both been the driving force behind our various decisions. The idea to try for a baby was mine, but one that he seemed very excited about too. It was his idea to go to Canada but it was me who did all the planning, organizing and completing paperwork. If I'm being honest, I am probably the driver the bulk of the time and dh is the passenger.

A HUGE amount of planning went into our move to Canada, but very little into actually living in Canada. We were running to a strict time-frame. We had to be in the UK on 26 June for SIL's wedding and had to be in Canada for 17 July for my mom's. For us to fly over for a visit for my mom's wedding and then to return to the UK to continue saving and planning would have cost a fortune and would have depleted our savings. Also, DH's resident visa expired at the end of September, so we had to be here before then.

My DH is working for my step-dad (which he loves) and makes a reasonable wage - enough for us to live on, but not enough to save. We had looked into the town we would eventually be living in and from everything we could see it was relatively easy to find a job. I do administration and have applied to everything that has come through - I'm now applying in factories, coffee shops and with cleaning companies. I even applied for a telemarketer job and didn't get that. I have a university degree and was a manager in my last job. They all know that I wouldn't be long term.

DH is a big picture person and I am a detail person (really, I am). We didn't plan out the details of living in Canada as we knew we would stay with family for the summer. My mom is a teacher so has July and August off. She has seen our dd for a total of 3 weeks out of the last almost 3 years - she needed this time with DD. We also knew DH already had a job with step-dad and that it would pay enough to pay the bills.

Rillyrillygoodlooking - thank you for sharing your experience. It seems like this could be quite common when you have a big move like this. We'll just have to wait it out and see what happens - trying not to take it out on each other.

Lovinmybois - I think he is definitely depressed, but as I've said in my reply to mathanxiety, he would never go to counseling for depression. But thank you for the suggestion.

I think you should ease up on yourselves.
You've had a rollercoaster few years, with lots to deal with - major life-stresses.Give yourselves time to settle down a bit. Maybe give all the analysis and planning a rest for a while?

I note you said that you feel more like roommates at the moment. But I think that's not necessarily a bad thing. Marriage is not going to be one long love-fest all the way through. There are times when you just muddle along on auto-pilot, side by side as mates, chopping wood and carrying water and Getting On With Things. The underlying friendship is what keeps you together, when you're too knackered for sex and too broke for whoopy nights out. Don't over-think it.

The good times will come back.

I don't know if this will be of any use, but finding a job around this time of the year is usually hard, so don't be too hard on yourself for things beyond your control. I suggest that you do some voluntary work (one day a week if you can manage it) and this will atleast give you a way into the company. I hope this helps! I have heard Canada is a wonderful place overall so I am quite envious!

SA

I know exactly what you mean with your job situation; a degree can seem like a millstone around your neck sometimes.

Have you considered setting up your own little cleaning business?

Another option for you might be retraining -- how much would it take to do a course that would make you employable as a teachers aide, for instance? Are there the equivalent of community colleges in Canada (as there are in the US) where you could do a short course that would give you an identifiable qualification in a specific area? You could start small and eventually get back to the level you left in the UK.

I really do feel that you will have to confront your DH wrt the depression. It's the elephant in the room that must be tackled or there will be no future for you in Canada or anywhere else.

As well as the possible depression, he seems to be a bit controlling, with his dismissive opinion of your interests in college, and his dismissing of your plea on behalf of your DD -- you're dead right about the damage he's doing to her btw.

It may well come to an ultimatum with him. Do you have the stomach for that? Could your stepdad have a chat with him, or your mum? I think if you went to marriage counselling again this could perhaps be talked about in that setting.