Those of you whose DHs have time consuming hobbies, how do you manage thongs so that a fair amount of time is spent on it without compromising family time?

[trixymalixy]

DH likes to restore classic cars. Ideally he'd like to spend all his time on it, which clearly isn't fair on me or our 2 kids.

I thought we'd agreed to one day at the weekend and 2 or 3 nights a week as long as I get to go to my exercise class twice a week.

Anyway, last weekend we spent all weekend at a car show. This weekend dd and I were I'll with a d and v bug, so I was a bit grumpy that dh was going to do car stuff. He went out to get steel in the morning came back with lunch and then went to his workshop for the rest of the afternoon, coming back at 8pm.

The next day I was worse, running to loo every 5 mins. DH wanted to go to his workshop again. I said no and we had a row because he him bringing us lunch apparently negated the while day for him on the Saturday, and we were sitting around doing nothing apparently so he would be better spending time on his cars. Afaiwc we were spending time as a family and he was looking after kids while I was I'll.

Wibu? How shoul I have managed this better?

Errr no you were definitely nbu. How could you have managed illness much better??!

He was being a selfish nob imo. Presumably he's always like this from what you've said regarding his hobby as THE most important thing?

Erm your DH is a selfish tosser. Sorry but family before hobbies.

I would take your dd and yourself go and process some of the d and v in his car and then say well you wanted us to do some car stuff together!

It seems that your DH finds family life boring and there's really not much you can do to manage this. You have set times but he doesn't seem to care enough to break them if one of you is ill. Was he always like this or has he withdrawn more since you had DC?

How old is your daughter? If tiny and you wanted him to comfort her whilst you were being ill YANBU. If you just wanted him to have a miserable weekend because you were having one YABU. If you were ill with D&V I'm surprised you wanted lunch. I'd have thought heating up a tin of tomato soup would be fine.
Need more info about what exactly you wanted him to do (apart from bring you lunch).
If kids were bored and wanting entertained fair enough.

DH does loads of stuff on his Landrover, so i sympathise. We agreed on one afternoon a week (he doesn't work Fri pm) and 2-3 evenings in the week. If it encroaches onto weekend time any more then he has to have the DDs outside with him for a reasonable time. They use it as a climbing frame, play music, sit & sleep in their car seats or play in the garden/drive on bikes etc

Also he will take them off roading, leaving me in peace or take them to Landrover shows which i don't go to. If he continues to go against your 'agreement' then i would judt get in my car and tell him i was going shopping and the DCs were his responsibility.

Sadly i have little other advice as his paternity leave was hilariously renamed Landrover leave and i had to bash on the window if i needed him

2rebecca, dd is just 1. I needed dh to look after her while I was stuck on the loo otherwise I would have had to lock her in the loo with me for most of the day.

No I didn't feel much like lunch, but the kids do need to eat you know, not just me.

Our normal Sunday is family day, we go swimming in the morning then have lunch somewhere, then we might go to the park and dd will nap in the pram. Obviously I wasn't up for leaving the house so because we were stuck in dh was restless and felt it was a waste of a day whereas I think it was just as much a family day albeit in the house.

Sorry, but lol at thongs

"family day" is one of those phrases that makes me cringe. A living suburban death. Each to his own I suppose.

don't have a dh so no experience of your situation, however your dh sounds v selfish, he is putting his hobby before his children and his wife. not good.

I would be having words and finding some sort of a balance that is fair to you. part of growing up and having children is understanding that your needs and interests will take a back seat for a while, he doesn't seem to have grasped this fact.

As far as what you should have done, you should have told your dh that he was looking after your dd as you were too ill - he should have taken her out as it wasn't really a family day was it with you running to the loo and feeling crap. Spending all weekend at a car show means it's your turn to choose a whole-weekend activity (or have a day doing your own thing while he looks after his child).

He was being selfish - you were ill, too ill to look after DD so he should have just got on with it. It wasn;t a case of you asking him to 'spend time' with you both ie sit there watching telly while nothing happened.

2rebecca - agree entirely .

Agree if you were able to look after the 1 year old then husband could have taken older sprog to get steel on the Saturday and taken her out somehwere on the Sunday. Depending on age he/she could help with car as well.
If you couldn't look after the baby then he should have stayed in. But then you wouldn't be sitting around doing nothing, you'd be in bed.
It was unfair to give the older child a boring weekend just because you and baby were unwell. I see no reason for him to stay in though, and he's less likely to catch it by getting out of the house if not needed to nurse the baby.

Triky i know where you are coming from, havin been married to someone for 17 years, who if i am ever ill just wants to run in the opposite direction for some reason, i think it boils down to just being selfish, i suffer from migraines, and on the odd occasion when i have to go to bed for the day, my H gets really irratated at the thought of havin to change his plans to take over the childcare and plan his sunday around his kids, you know the ones that he wanted as well as me!!!he tries to see if my M or his M are free to take over, the last time i was in bed he just carried on washing his car (again) and left me in bed with half the kids from our street running through the house, messing around and eating food out of our fridge, in the end i had to drag myself ouot of bed and sort it out.

and its no good people saying i would just tell him its not acceptable etc etc cause some men who do this just dont give a shit and thats it, (hence i am now at the early stages of divorce for many different reasons but his total lack of support for me being one of them)they say sorry but then do exactly the same the next time round, and then when it does happen again you suddenlt think "oh yeah you done this to me last time i/kids were ill"

it is times like these when the chips are down that you see your husband/partner for who they really are,

snort at thongs, only just noticed that. one of the dangers of posting from an iphone, it changes words at random.

If DD hadn't been ill as well, then the obvious solution would have been to take the kids out and leave me in peace. As it was she was leaking out of her nappy about 5 times that day so not really in a fit state to go out somewhere.

2rebecca do you never take the time to do something nice as a family? How sad if you don't.

My DH is a car nut too.If hes not in it hes under it.I call it "the other woman" But he doesnt drink, smoke ,gamble and I know where he is because hes never more than 20 ft away from the bloody car! we do car shows as a family(me him and DD who is 3) we sort of work round him.Yes ,occasionally the car comes before us,I sulk ,he complains but I think it all comes down to give and take and we do get plenty of days out as he loves driving !

I have this issue with DH.

I do not begrudge him a hobby he loves.

But as a SAHM, it annoys me to be, yet again, on my own with the kids.

We now plan our weekends ahead a bit more, so Saturday he has a show, but we plan a family walk and pub lunch for Sunday.

Also, INSIST on your own time away, so if he goes out all morning, YOU go out all afternoon on your own, go shopping or go for a swim or whatever. With men, you have to even the balance straight away, otherwise, in their mind, 2 days away for them is evened out by them playing football with DC for half an hour later on...

Bl&&dy men! Why do we love them?!