What is a good marriage?

[googietheegg]

Having read a number of threads in this topic, I'm always confused about what is considered a good marriage, a terrible marriage, a good marriage going through a tricky time or whatever.

People will often post that their DH has done a certain thing, that may not be great admittedly, but posters are so quick to leap in and say that if their DH said or did that they'd be kicked out straight away.

Is that really true? Can you just have one bad row and decide to split up? Are people living realistically on MN or giving advice that they wouldn't actually follow themselves?

I think it's important to know if posters (OPs predominately) are making life-changing decisions and we're saying 'if my husband called me that name once I'd leave him straightaway' or whatever. Really, would you? Or is it just easier to say that to someone else and you'd actually give it another go?

a good marriage is where there is love and it changes with time, trust, respect and understanding which make you both feel secure and above all happy most of the tiem - but of course arguemtns will happen

Agree with ivykat44. A good marriage is supportive of both partners wants/needs. Yes, you'll still have arguments and disagreements, but you'll both work out a compromise. A good marriage never contains violence, fear or mistrust, IMO.

A good marriage is one where you are equals and each other's viewpoint is seen as equally valid, where each others wants and needs are primary to the other person, i.e. put each other first and you have a good balance.
You can go through the toughest times and have huge disagreements yet still have respect for one another - it's how you treat each other during the hard times that is really important.

A good marriage does not involve being called a whore by a man who is supposed to love and respect you - I can honestly say hand on heart that if my husband ever called me a whore I would never forgive him and our marriage would effectively be over at that point, it's the total lack of respect shown by using that term, he has never sworn at me/called me an awful name once in 28 years together.

One where you both completely trust each other, can communicate openly about anything (even emotional or historical stuff), where you act as a team and back each o, ther up, where you enjoy one another's company, where you have fun, where you love, trust and respect each other, where you feel secure and safe even in the middle of an argument, where you would almost always rather be with each other than anyone else :)

I am one of those to whom the leave him advice was given.
I was shocked to see what my life was actually like through the eyes of others.
In reality I was living in a complete fog, completely ground down by how I and dc were being treated.
After the shock wore off I could see things slipping back to 'normality' and that I was indeed stuck in a horrible cycle destined to go around and around.
Luckily H agreed to go to therapy and organised it for himself. I did the same.
We are now a year down the line (both still in therapy)and something has recently clicked for H. He has apologised for his previous behaviour and shows remorse. But the biggest difference is that suddenly I feel actually supported.

I know now that I have v. weak boundries (improving) and that H's abusive childhood has meant that he literally has had to relearn what being in a relationship should be like.

My thread on mumsnet (diff name) made such a huge difference to my life and that of my H and our dc. We are still a work in progress but at least I feel we are both working on it together.

Many posters here feel that some of the reactions are over the top. I disagree. I think when you have been in an abusive situation you are so much more aware of the nuances that can make an apparently trivial matter so incredibly stressful.
There are many posters here who are v. wise and their advice is not over the top as far as I'm concerned.

I know my husband

If he called me a whore, he knows it would be "game over", and so would I

Such disrespect towards your partner, especially with all the connotations that particularly nasty form of verbal abuse carries, has no part to play in a good relationship

Hey Googie, I've had the same thoughts. OH and I had a wobble last year and we did separate for a few months. I wish we hadn't and I worry sometimes that without all facts MN advice might shout too loudly about leave rather than stay and fix.

That said I do think that sometimes people need a good slap, err make that wake up call, to the reality of their life. As long as there's a variety of views and balance then you have to trust the OP chooses the best option for them.

Now I've talked my way out of agreeing with you. Bloody fence sitter.

A good marriage is one where both partners love, respect and support eachother. Of course there will be arguments and times when one or other is a bit of an arse, but over time things even themselves out.

It's not the occasional big argument.
It's the constant so called little little things that get you down that would kill it, except what happens then it the boundaries are moved little by little and it's worse because you get confused.

I think we always care about each other and would never deliberately cause each other pain or humiliation. And we both know that.

So we can argue and I can say ' FFs you are annoying me because you dont listen and you always do x' and he can say 'why do you always have to do why when you know it fucks up my day and leaves me lumbered'..
But it is to a point, it is always about what we are doing and not about each other. I would never call him a fuck head because he isn't one.

I think if DH called me a bitch or a whore or whatever I would consider our whole relationship because for us that would tell me that he had crossed a line in terms of how he viewed me

That won't be the same for everyone and some can manage relationships where they call each other names.I absoloutely recognise that some can.

But tbh I think that there are also people who feel that name calling is unimportant when I think it breaks down the trust and respect you should share.

But I never understand why some people treat their partner in a way that they would never treat someone at work. Your family should be where you come to relax and feel good about yourself - to feel loved and respected. Once you start kicking your family every time you are pissed off it starts a diminuition of that relationship. IMO of course