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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I know I'm being silly but...

12 replies

frakkinnakkered · 20/09/2010 13:30

I feel hurt that some friends of mine have been meeting up without me, or rather without even telling me. I doubly know this is irrational because they're on the other side of the world but it involved international trips for at least 3 of them to get to London and even though I couldn't have gone it would have been nice to be invited or given a heads up that they were going to have a weekend together. I just found out about it from some photos on Facebook and I guess I feel a little bit betrayed. Or maybe I'm spoilt by the fact most of my other friends always make a big effort to include me in Facebook messages/e-mails about meet-ups even though they know I can't be there.

What makes it hurt even more is that none of these people would know each other if it weren't for me and now I feel like I'm out of sight, out of mind and my friends are slipping away :(

OP posts:
pluperfect · 20/09/2010 15:04

This is hard, and there is no one answer, but a complex answer:

The hard bit first. Sometimes friends met through friends can leave the "original" friendship behind in terms of things in common. I have found this, and I do feel guilty about the "original" friend (A). A and I are still friends, but B and I just really hit it off.

But let's temper that bad news with: What they have in common could be as simple as being there and available to meet. This is quantity-time, although it does have the potential to turn into quality time if there's enough of it.

There are probably two ways to get out of this dynamic: tell your friends how you feel and ask for more time with them (they may feel flattered); make friends with people who understand this situation (e.g. people who have been expats). The latter point was really crystallised for me on a thread a few weeks ago, in which people were saying how sad they were that their families at home were forgetting them while they were abroad. We have some friends who are moving abroad shortly, and I realised how lucky they were to have both sets of parents living abroad and simply used to the kind of effort one has to make.

As for meetings, something we do sometimes is to visit a city where we know a lot of people, and choose a venue to sit in all day (a pub with a garden is a good one, in summer, or even a leisure centre, not as strange as it sounds, since leisure centres can have decent cafes), and hold court for "drop-ins".

Good luck in finding your way out of this. It's a bit depressing, so I do feel for you.

P.S. I'm sorry for the "stalker" question, but are you the "frakking" nanny? Grin

pluperfect · 20/09/2010 15:08

Oh, and sorry, I ought to add that of course you are not being unreasonable to be hurt; you are human.

Hassled · 20/09/2010 15:11

You're not being silly at all - that was really shit of them. I take it there have been no fallings out or anything? Do you think maybe they didn't tell you because they thought you'd feel bad re not being able to make it and were sparing your feelings? But even if that's the case, they were pretty thoughtless to then FB the photos.

pluperfect · 20/09/2010 15:15

Oh, I missed the bit about photos on Facebook. Yes, that is actually rude.

frakkinnakkered · 20/09/2010 17:16

Yes I am frak who usually inhabits CMs nannies and APs :) occasionally I venture into other parts of MN for advice!

It's reassuring to hear I'm not being that silly. Now I guess I just need to deal with it without looking like a drama queen. I am pleased for them - it looks like they had fun - but at the same time I kinda want to let them know a little bit how I feel. 'Wish I could have been there' doesn't quite cut it!

OP posts:
pluperfect · 20/09/2010 17:49

Yes, I remember you from that thread of BoffinMum's about reconciling the needs of nannies and employers.

Are you feeling any better this afternoon?

frakkinnakkered · 21/09/2010 14:54

Ahh that was an interesting thread :)

I'm feeling slightly brighter today. I know they didn't do it to exclude me, just being a bit thoughtless, and I'm feeling horribly hormonal.

OP posts:
pluperfect · 21/09/2010 18:33

Still, the business with pictures on Facebook is a bit more than thoughtless. Are you live-in where you are now, or is there a commute added to your day?

frakkinnakkered · 22/09/2010 04:22

I actually only nanny one day a week now. I teach university 3 days and have a day off.

Stopped living in when I married DH! Although in all fairness my last job was live in with sep accom and if he hadn't been posted to the back of beyond I'd have stayed there.

They were just being thoughtless with the photos I think. That said I've nit heard anything from any of them so feeling even more abandoned now!

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pluperfect · 22/09/2010 10:12

So that's the "career progression" you found. That does sound good, although I bet the "day off" is often nothing of the sort!

Are you in a position to have a weekend party? Even if you just have one friend over, and "let slip" how you feel about this business (over the wine, naturally, so it comes across as less pointed), it could filter out, and people could start to think about it. Of course, you'd have to choose your confidant(e) carefully, because someone who feels ashamed of `him/herself will probably be defensive and not spread the news.

All very complicated, but could be worth pursuing it this way if you want these friends back.

frakkinnakkered · 22/09/2010 13:10

Lol I'm an atypical nanny though - most do GCSEs and a vocational qualification. I went and got a degree, whilst nannying on the side to earn cash, discovered i was a) good at it and b) loved it, did it FT after I graduated while getting a masters by distance learning (cheers, OU!) and travelling then landed here and found there wasn't really any nannying so I rethought things a bit. Luckily I was in a position to do that because I have bits of paper but the sad thing is most nannies aren't in a position to do anything else at all. They don't have the higher qualifications to go on to, say, teaching. It's 3 years at least training to the next step in any childcare field. So you're left with looking for better nanny jobs or moving into maternity work... I could go on for hours so I'll stop there!

Re: friends I'm a 10 hour flight away from most of them. So yes, I know, really unreasonable to 'expect' to be invited but the distance increases the out of sight out of mind feeling I have.

OP posts:
pluperfect · 22/09/2010 13:44

10 hours is a long way, yes, indeed. Is it somewhere where people might like to visit? Living in a "destination" can be less lonely. I have some friends who live in Geneva, so they "pitch themselves"at ski-ing friends (although of course Geneva has other attractions).

Otherwise, I guess you will just have to make friends with expats, and/or have Skype parties with your old friends from "home"!

By the way, if any of this gets too personal to put on the talk board, I see MN have introduced a new members' communications system (inbox at top of page). I haven't really used it yet, so I don't know whether it reveals MNers' "real" names (e-mail addresses).

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