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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help and advice please

16 replies

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 10:38

Hi there.

I?m new to the site and this is my first post so please be gentle with me. I?m really looking for your thoughts on my current situation. It?s a long story but I?ll be a brief as I can?..
3 years ago my husband told me he was having an affair and walked out on me and our 3 children. Apparently, he?d been having this affair for 6 months and decided it was her that he wanted and not us. At this time I wasn?t aware who the 3rd part was. My ex moved back in with his parent?s and decided he would no longer pay any contribution to the mortgage or the children. Whilst he was at his parent?s, he only say the children 1 night per week until 6 months ago when he told me he?s got a flat of his own and wanted a little more access to the kids. I like to think I am a reasonable person and have never wanted kids to be denied access to their father so I agreed to he request that they stay 1 night per week.
It was just after this that I found out who he?d had an affair with. It turns out he had an affair with a girl who was only 14 at the time! As you can imagine, this left me distraught. I knew the girl as well as I used to childminder for her when she was younger. He has continued his relationship with this girl, now 17, and my children have advised me she has now moved in with him.
The main problem I have is her contact with my children. I know the girl comes from a broken home, has a history of violence to other children and has a history of self abuse. I don?t really want my children, 2 girls aged 17 and 15 and a son aged 11, to be around the influence of this girl but I?m not sure if there is anything legally I can do.
I realise that my husband having an affair with a minor is a really serious issue, which has been reported, but I need to protect my children. I?ve heard that a prohibited steps order may be the way forward but I?ve no idea what to do.
I?ve tried to keep it brief and I know I may have rambled on, but any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. I?m happy to answer any questions re my situation which might help any replies.
Many thanks??..

Westie1969

OP posts:

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 10:44

So you had this girl in your care as a childmindee and then a few years later your husband left you for her? When she was 14?

I do hope this has been reported as you said. I would be just as concerned about his influence on my teenage girls as hers. Her history of violence to children is very worrying too.
Someone will be along to offer you better advice but you must be able to prevent overnight access. If you are very worried about then having contact with the OW too then I would have thought a contact centre was the only way to go.
If he is prosecuted - which he should be - then he will be classed as a sex offender no? Which should legally give you more control over his access.

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 10:44

Sorry, just realised you have a son too.

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 11:03

Tippychooks - Thanks for the reply. I was her childminder pre-school and my girls new her from an out of school club which, ironically, my ex was a volunteer at.It was reported to the police but as the girl is now 17 they say they can't do anything unless the girl reports it. It seems a very messed up system to me. I know have a new partner who say that i should stop contact and take legal advice as well. He has the same concerns about his influence on my children as well.

OP posts:

Plumm · 20/09/2010 11:07

Do your children want to see their father? He certainly can't force a 17 and 15 year old to see him if they don't want to, and I'm sure your 11 year old son must be able to refuse too. Do they know the situation?

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 11:16

Plumm - My children know the situation and what's happened. However, they don't like to talk about the situation. The girls know what he's done is wrong but they are very non committal about things. My son doesn't really understand and doesn't like anything being said wrong about his Dad, Which i don't do in fron of them anyway. I think the girls would like it if a decision was made for them.

OP posts:

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 11:24

It worries me hugely that he met her at an after school club/as a childmindee (not your fault obviously) and that nothing can be done. But that doesn't help you.

I can only say to you what I say to everyone - go the the CAB. It's the best starting point for referring you to legal help or contact centres or anything else you need. That's the extent of my knowledge on this one.

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 11:39

Tippychooks - My initial thought is to stop contact altogether and let him take it through the court, if he so chooses. I would imagine then that a full examination of the situation would be made. My biggest worry is that my ex feels that he's done no wrong! He act's without any recourse and I find it sickening.

OP posts:

Tippychoocks · 20/09/2010 11:42

Well I am hoping that someone cleverer than me can give you proper advice but why not call womens aid for a chat? Like the CAB they are a good place to start. You don't have to be a victim of DV to call them.

I would want to stop contact as what he has done is without question extremely worrying and (IMHO) criminal. But whether you can and should is something for people with more experience than me I think. But I absolutely get why you would want to.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 11:49

What a horrible situation

I have no legal advice for you, but I can suggest what I would do

I would stop contact. I do not say that lightly.

If he wants to fight for access through the courts, then so be it. I think you will find that particular course of action would be catastrophic for him, and he would lose. It would also "out" him more publically, and if he has any insight into how dodgy his situation is, he won't want that.

Thank God you are away from this fucked-up man x

Now keep your children away.

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 11:57

Af - To be honest, that is exactly how i feel. Personally, I'm over him but it galls me that he swans around thinking he's untouchable. I've even heard from one of his workmates that he describes this girl as his niece. I also want to make sure no other parent has to go through this as I feel, with hindsight, this may not be a one off.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:02

westie...worryingly, if this man has a penchant for very young girls, it will not be a one-off until somebody stops him, given his self-entitled attitude

he is a predator, I think

does he "volunteer" at any other places with a connection to child care ??? < shiver >

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:03

have just noticed you are new

welcome to MN, and I am sorry you had to introduce yourself with such an awful scenario

you will get much support if you stick around x

and also some light-hearted moments to pull you through when you are feeling crap x

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 12:12

AF - He was involved with my sons football team but my partner "polightly persuaded" him that it wasn't a good idea. I hate to say that I've called my ex the dreaded "p" work but he says he doesn't go looking so it's doesn't apply to him. I've told him that I think he is as he knew what he was doing was illegal but chose to ignore the law.
I intend to stick around and I find myself fortunate that I have a caring, loveable and sex man to lean on. I just want to protect my children.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:22

good luck x

Original poster

westie1969 · 20/09/2010 12:24

Sorry my last post should have said caring, loveable and SEXY man. lol

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2010 12:38

I got it...

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