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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feel so alone and hurt

13 replies

reissmummy · 19/09/2010 23:48

hi, this is my first post on here :)

im 23 and have my little boy who will be 3 next month, me and his dad spilt up december 2009, we were together for 6 years, we are friends and i guess i never gave myself time to move on from him, yesterday i went to his sisters party where it just got to much for me people asking about us and i broke down to his aunt and i have spent all night and all of today just crying. we had a heart to heart last night and he said he loves me he just dont see us working, it was like he stabbed me in the heart. i love him and i just cant stop crying. i have nobody to talk to about this and im trying not to let my little boy see me so as soon as hes in another room or in bed i just break down, i thought id be over him but i cant manage it. i dont know what to do to even stop crying :'(

OP posts:

Karmann · 19/09/2010 23:56

Hi. Can you tell us more about why you split and why he says it won't work between you.

You will stop crying eventually and it is only time that will stop you hurting so much.

Keep posting and you will get more support from here. With more information it will be easier to help you.

Original poster

reissmummy · 20/09/2010 00:01

we spilt up as we werent getting on, he was working alot and long hours so would go work, come home, spend time with our son, do the washin up sit with me for 5 min and go to sleep. we moved far away from our friends and i didnt drive so i felt very alone and in my own way was depressed and i got it into my head another baby would make me and our son not feel so alone and i nagged him about it to be honest, he made it clear he didnt want it and now i know i didnt consider his feelings and kept nagging and he left and never came back. he said he just thinks its better that we stay friends and i was so hurt that i couldnt bare to ask him why

OP posts:

Karmann · 20/09/2010 19:33

Hi. Sorry I didn't get back to you last night.

I think that whilst you stayed friends after the intitial split it's possible that you were hoping to get back together. Now he has said to you that this won't happen you are starting the process of grieving your lost relationship from scratch.

Don't blame yourself about the baby nagging bit, you are holding on to this to find a reason for the break up. Sometimes things just don't work, even when we really want them to.

You need to decide for yourself if you can be friends with him. Of course you will need to stay in touch and amicable regarding your son but you will need to decide if you will do just the weekend visits kind of thing or have more contact with him.

fandango75 · 20/09/2010 20:48

hi - are you ok?

newwave · 20/09/2010 20:54

Your 23 and have your whole life in front of you, in a few short years your DC will be in school and you will have at least some time of your own to plan a glorious future for you both.

DO NOT become one of lifes victims or let anyone put you down.

Be the best you can be and dont take any crap from anyone.

Original poster

reissmummy · 20/09/2010 22:28

karmann i dont think i can be friends with him right now, i went over to his today to pick up some of our sons bits and he was just normal like we hadnt had the talk the day before and i think it helped as it was like nothing happened. but i think your right i alwasy held on to something so i think now i know we aint gonna happen i am accepting it.

fandango75 yeah im ok thank you, just a bit down about the situation that is going on.

newwave its not that, i know im young its just i spent 6 years of my life with someone and was friends before so hes all i know and we have a son etc, we had a life together and then one day it was all gone. im not gonna let anyone put me down or treat me how they want im just finally accepting that my relationship with someone i still love is over

OP posts:

spiritmum · 20/09/2010 22:37

Oh, sweetheart

I know this may sound a bit hard to believe right now but he was never responsible for making you happy. You are responsible for your happiness, no-one else. And loving yourself is the only love that you need, and you'll never lose that.

The more you remember that the more true it will be for you. And you will go out there and create that amazing life for yourself and your ds.

Original poster

reissmummy · 20/09/2010 23:15

spiritmum thank you that means alot, i agree with you as im ok if i dont think about him, i push him out my mind and im ok it only times where it becomes hard, its hard as my son is just his twin and cause we are close that makes it harder. ive been on my own now for 9 months and it has only been abotu the last month ive felt like this, its just when im alone i guess i miss him :(

OP posts:

Karmann · 21/09/2010 21:27

Hi reissmummy. Although you say you've been on your own for nine months I think you're feeling like this now because he's been around so much during that time.

I'm in a similar situation in that we separated in May but it's only been the last six weeks that it's been over for good. Even though it was my decision I still feel sad about it all and find not being in touch with him regurlarly quite difficult.

I fully understand you being unable to be friends with him at the moment. I think you need to concentrate on yourself and your DS.

Take care and know that people are thinking of you.

Original poster

reissmummy · 22/09/2010 23:59

Thank you karmann, I think your right, as we have spent so much time together and it's as if we are a family like picking DS school, picking his clothes etc rather than just hi and bye. I've decided to right him a letter explaining how I feel and stuff. I think I need closure, I need to know if something will happen rather than being in limbo and knowing he loves me it makes me unable to move on but if after my letter he still feels we are better at friends then I know I tried and can move on.

Do you still have feelings for your ex partner then?

OP posts:

Wilkoa · 23/09/2010 09:45

Hello reissmummy. My advice may seem harsh but I wouldn't write him a letter for "closure" unless you want more hurt.

I was recently dumped by my hubby (together for 5 years) while pregnant and it hurts like hell but I have maintained absolute minimal contact as its the only way to go.

Have done lots of reading around this subject as some form of self-help(!) and the general advice is keep contact to a minimum and don't seek closure - the only reason we seek it is because we want contact again. He has already given you an answer, its not the one you want to hear but to move on you need to accept the situation and start re-building your life.

I didn't get an explanation what so ever, but none the less am getting on with things the best I can.

You need to get out of his head and back into yours. Concentrate on yourself and DS. Take care of yourself.

Wilkoa · 23/09/2010 09:49

And there's no need to be friends, being friends is making him feel better about things, not you. It's stopping you from being able to move on with your life.

There is no shame in telling him you can't be friends as you need to get your life back on track, and the way to do that? Minimal contact.

Karmann · 23/09/2010 10:15

Hi reissmummy. By all means write him a letter but don't send it. Use it to get your own feelings down, it will help you.

You're not living in limbo anymore, he's told you he just wants friendship and he already knows how you feel so writing to him won't make any difference to him. You're really wanting to write to him to make him change his mind and that won't happen.

What has happened over the last few months is that he's taken the part of family life he wanted and was then happy to leave the rest up to you.

You really need to be strong now and concentrate on building a new life for you and your DS. It is possible.

I do still have feelings for my ex as he does for me but I'm getting on with it by myself. There are lots of new opportunities to be taken.

The fact that you both still have feelings for each other is not enough if one party is unwilling to commit to the relationship. You have tried, you have been trying to make it work for months, so you are able to say you did your best.

Flip