How do we rescue our sex life?

[Mum2FidoandTibbles]

Please don't be mean to me on this thread.

Dh and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children. We have a sexless marriage.

Over the years I have gone through various stages of anger, upset and finally acceptance of the situation. Dh has virtually no sex drive. I am not faultless either. The reasons are all a bit lost in the mists of time, and what we have now is a happy, fun filled marriage where we are both kind to each other, enjoy each other's company, love our children, pull our weight, and nobody thinks about sex from one week to the next.

We have recently decided the time is right for another baby, so we have to have sex. The last time we had sex was to concieve dd2 3 yrs ago, and the time before that was to concieve dd1 5 yrs ago.

It was supposed to be last night. I made an effort (satin nighty). There was a bit of awkwardness, then we tried some snogging and a bit of cuddling and stroking. This progressed to nakedness and dry humping. After 10 minutes dh was not remotely aroused. I gave a big sigh. Dh asked what was wrong. I pointed out that there was obviously something wrong with us.

Tbh, I wasn't aroused either, but I can fake it convincingly enough once every 4 years. Obviously he can't because we need penetrative sex to make a baby.

We had a chat. He says he is NOT gay. I don't think he is either. He says he does want to rediscover our sex life. He also says we should do more things together, like meals out and having fun just us. I have booked a babysitter a couple of times recently and we have been going out a bit so that's a start (half way through the conversation he said "Oh! You've been making an effort and I didn't catch on, sorry " ... )

I told him I feel very rejected by him, and that I also felt angry because I am not ugly, I am 31 yrs old, size 12, I take care of myself and make an effort with clothes and hair. I am never going to be on the cover of Vogue, but I am not some 3-headed 94 stone hairy troll either. Why won't my husband have sex with me?

He was surprised I felt like this.

He said again and again that he loves and adores me and that he couldn't bear to be without me and will do everything it takes to fix everything that is making me unhappy. He wants our marriage to work.

He says we can give it a few weeks, and if no improvement he will go to the doctor and see if there is some problem.

I have to go now and I know this is a crap time to post this, I just had 15 minutes to get it all down.

I know last night was a positive step and things should be looking up, but tbh I want to throw myself on my bed and have a good old cry. I feel so sad. I'm not exactly sure why.

Also, I think I need advice on how to progress with reaching a stage where we have a sex life again.

Dh has gone away with work for 5 days this morning. If we are going to catch this cycle we really need to have sex as soon as he comes back.

I KNOW that people are going to say forget about getting pg for now, and concentrate on fixing your marriage. Yes. Sensible, but I have been waiting for ages to ttc and I really want another baby and I want one NOW and that is an overpoweringly strong feeling, whether it's sensible or not.

God that's long. I have to go out now. I will chack back (and prob bump) later.

Where do you have to go out to at five a.m. ?

Oh, and I suppose that if you are both happy without sex but want a child, perhaps you should just go the turkey baster route?

I don't understand how you can keep a happy partnership going with no sex, but if it works for you, fair enough.

Different time zone BoF

You answered this yourself so you know deep down already. Honestly IMO you need to fix your marriage before you bring another baby into the world.

I understand that 'desperation' for another child but it's also a huge responsibility. I found going from 2 - 3 children overwhelming difficult and this puts even more strain on a relationship. You'll have a lot less time as a couple with 3 DC and it will be MUCH harder to work on improving your relationship.

You've also said you feel 'rejected' by DH and that you are young etc... this isn't something you can push under the table. Do you want a lifetime of resentment and feeling rejected? I'm not saying relationship is domed - just fix that first. Relationship counselling, lots of honest talking, time alone, romance etc.. etc..

Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear. Just being honest. Why the rush for a third child if you're only 32? you have time to work on marriage and then think about more DC.

Hi-Tibbles,

I will trot out my normal advice in this case that you exercise/play sport/long walks/gym classes together. I know that child care cfould be difficult but it would help reinforce your bonding and the endorphins could help charge you up IYKWIM. Training for a 10k run together or playing social badminton, tennis, squash could be good.

best wishes

I worry though - what if we shelve the baby plans for now and concentrate on getting our sex life back, but that never happens? It's one thing being occasionally resentful that I have a non-sex-life. It would be quite another to feel resentful about never having a much wanted baby as well as no sex life.

I want a baby. I a hugely unlikely to ever leave my husband. So, I suppose the quickest thing is to somehow have a quick shag, get pg, and concentrate on that instead of the flaws in our relationship.

But now he can't even cope with one shag...

I am not really happy with no sex. Of course I'm not. But I have found a way to bury my feelings about it most of the time.

Events (should that be non-events?) last night have brought it all to the surface and I feel sad and cross and angry and embarrassed and rejected and useless and upset.

In a week or two I will have pushed it all down again and be living quite happily and only thinking about it once a week or so. But today I am wondering how to fix it.

I don't know. I have posted about this before (different name) and my feelings are so confused that it tends to make people cross and feel frustrated with me which doesn't really help anyone.

Perhaps you are worrying too much about the functional aspect of having a baby... maybe you could just channel your emotions into all round health and happiness including exercise and the rest will follow. DH should also get wellman medical check over to rule out diabetes etc.

I'd hazard a guess and suggest that both of you are using your children- and a potential new baby- as a distraction from the obvious flaws in your relationship.

The question is- what happens when they children are grown up?

You married very young- I was just marrying round about the age you are now. It is possible that what brought you together as teenagers (I assume) is no longer there and you simply have a brother/sister relationship.

The crux of this is- does your DH have a low sex drive; is there a medical problem for his lack of erections, such as diabetes or something; is he gay; does he just not fancy you?

None of these are anyone's fault but it has to be one of those! Very few men would not be aroused when in bed with an attractive woman. Does he wake up with an erection? Does he masturbate? if you don't know, then that says a lot too about how close you are /aren't.

Something is wrong and it seems you are both brushing it under the carpet.

Please forget the baby for the moment! You are only 31 and you have 2 children. Another child is going to put more strain on your marriage and if you do split it will be a bigger financial burden.

To give you another perspective, I had an illness for years which meant sex was not comfortable for me. We did not have full sex for 10 years. But we were close and did other things and my DH never stopped wanting it/me.

I'd say what is lacking is communication. Your DH must know that he has a problem. This is not "normal" behaviour. I don't want to harp on about gayness, but there are a hell of a lot of married men who have not come out of the closet. I think you really do need to sit down and talk- not about another baby but about his sexuality and why it doesn't work for you as a couple.

You could also see your GP and ask for a referral to a ex therapist or find one yourself through www.bacp.co.uk

I don't have any brilliant suggestions,but I do think you need to sort out your relationship before you have another baby.

Also - you are only 31,and you have young children.You have found a way to bury your feelings ,and to live without sex,at the moment - but I'd be wary of assuming that will continue to work.Do you really want to be in a sexless marriage at 40? 50?

It does sound as if your DH is genuinely prepared to work on this - he hasn't said,for example,that it is your problem not his,and from what you say he has volunteered to see the Dr.
Sex to conceive can be really pressured,and if you feel that you must try to conceive now,I would seriously consider BoF's turkey baster suggestion,because if you want a better sex life a situation where only penetrative sex with ejaculation will do is going to make change very difficult.All the other things you could be doing which you might both enjoy will be flagging up in your mind as a waste of time...

Just re-reading your post, you surely have to ask yourself why you so much want a baby now! Itis rather selfish to bring another human being into a relationship that is floundering. You already have 2 children which will no doubt take up a huge amount of time and energy. Why do you want another now? You have another 10 good childbearing years- wait until your marriage is sorted.

I am curious about what your relationship was like at the beginning. Was there a time when you had a sexual relationship with each other? If you did, when did things change? And if not, what were your reasons for getting married?

I don't mean to pry but just want to have a better understanding of your relationship.

I don't know if I really have any advice, except to say that if you do sort out your sex life to some extent (which sounds like a big job at the moment) but then have a baby, chances are you'd go back to square one when tired and caring for a newborn as well as your other two children.

Are you in a country where psychosexual counselling is available? Relate offer it via telephone I believe if you can't access it where you are which would be a start. Your DH might even find that easier as it's often difficult for a man to confront these things face to face and sometimes the phone can provide a useful way to begin.

I do think too that it doesn't sound right to bring another baby into the marriage at the moment. It doesn't sound like you are happy with not being wanted physically. Do be aware also that many women find that their sex drive rises in their thirties and it could become increasingly difficult for you to suppress your sexual desire.

You know what? I've been thinking about this and I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter and it is pointless to think about it.

Fact 1: My marriage is flawed.
Fact 2: I don't think it can be fixed.
Fact 3: I have a nice enough life.
Fact 4: We have two beautiful children.
Fact 5: I am not unhappy enough to break up their family.

I should have left him before we had children. I didn't. Bed made. I shall lie in it. There are worse things.

Feeling extremely sorry for myself and lonely right now, but I am sure that I will have a cathartic cry and feel better soon enough. Actually, it's the lonliness that is as bad as anything. I simply don't have anyone to chat to, and certainly not about this.

Perhaps I'll have a discrete affair if the opportunity presents itself. Maybe we'll last until the children are grown up and then drift off into our own lives and persuits.

And seeing as I'm not pregnant I might as well have a glass of wine.

I think you should have a really open and honest conversation with your DH. The only way to fix it is to open up to each other. You've got yourselves into a bad rut and are out of the 'habit' of sex BUT if you both want things to change maybe they can? Don't give up after first attempt - try slowly introducing a bit of intimacy (massage and cuddle etc..)

If you have another child now what will happen in 5 years? Will you still be able to ignore the lack of intimacy? Being a single mum of 3 will be a lot harder. Sounds like it IS an issue for you (you're not saying 'we have a sexless marriage but that's OK').

Hi Mum2, I don't think you are confused, I think you seem a very realistic and sensible person.

Don't let these other MNrs force you to question the whole basis of your marriage. Not every marriage is based on moonlight and roses. I'm sure your not unusual.

"I wasn't aroused either, but I can fake it convincingly enough once every 4 years. Obviously he can't because we need penetrative sex to make a baby." Sounds like your not that worried. It is a fact though that to have a baby you will need to overcome this problem. What I find worrying for you is that you feel rejected by your husband while he can't just be expected to perform as though it were a duty! and will you cope if the rejection continues. Is it worth damaging an otherwise ok marriage for the sake of one more child.

Is it not better to get on with the business of raising the two DC you have in a otherwise ok marriage, like you say, make your bed. As parents we can't just throw our children's lives into chaos just because Daddy doesn't do sex.

Ostriches and sand, and brushes and carpets come to mind!

If it really doesn't bother you, why did you ask a bunch of weirdos who inhabit MN?

I think you are being honest- up to a point. You are being honest enough to say it's not worth jacking in your marriage for at the moment , but you aren't being honest when you say it doesn't bother you at all.

People don't have sex for all kinds of reasons; ill health, lack of emotional closeness, tiredness, sheer lack of time with young kids around.

I have a friend who is married ( over 20 years) and they have not had sex for 10 years. No kids. This is due to lack of emotional closeness. They have both brushed it under the carpet as she doesn't want the upset of a divorce, and as he works overseas most of the time- except weekends- then they can carry on like this.

The difference with her and you is that she knows why it doesn't happen; because she doesn't want it ( with him) and doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive anyway.

In your case, you don't know why you are being rejected.

I notice that you didn't asnwer the questions abour whterh he masturbates or wakes with an erection. Do you know?

Also, you haven't answered whether this has always been the norm for you as a couple and if it has got worse.

I don't think you are being open enough with MNs or with yourself, or with your DH!

Thanks for these replies.

I agree that we probably shouldn't give up after one attempt. A lot will depend on whether dh is prepared to put in any effort.

I will answer the questions: He does masturbate. Not all that often as far as I know. He has gone through stages of masturbating a lot, and stages of very little. Right now I have no idea because he works away a lot.

I don;t know if he wakes with an erection. On the nights he is here I don't think we ever wake up without at least one child in bed with us, so morning fumblings not an option.

As for whether it has been the norm. In retrospect, yes. We did have a healthy and reasonably adventurous sex life for the first year. Then somewhere through the second year I got pregnant. I had an abortion. Worst decision ever. We didn;t tell a soul. It killed every last scrap of passion and I think we probably didn't have sex for between 6 months and a year after that. We have never really spoken about the abortion, other than to acknowledge that it was a devastatingly wrong decision for both of us. I think things did pick up again after that... I can't remember exactly. We used to row about it a lot. I remember holidays ruined because of arguing about the lack of sex, and sometimes I really surprise myself when I realise how long ago they were and how long we have been living like this.

When we spoke a couple of nights ago dh said that one reason for not having sex is the fear of me getting pregnant. He agreed that it didn;t really add up, as (a) we do want another baby, and (b) even if we didn;t, it wouldn't be the end of the world to have another one.

I'm sorry to hear about the emotional fallout of your abortion. It really does sound like you both need counselling, it's very sad for you both that this very difficult experience in your past has had such a knock-on effect right up until today.

Ahhhh...the abortion really open s up a whole new can of worms.

I wasn't suggesting that you had a fumble, more a quick look- my DH's nearly pokes me in the eye when he gets up in the mornings to go to the loo- he sleeps naked and we have an en suite.

Reason for asking was to rule out low hormones and physical probs.

Sounds much more psychological now.
Go for counselling- sounds like you both need it.