Would you break this confidence?

[Tokyotwist]

My MIL told me something in confidence regarding her health. She made it clear I was not to tell OH.

It is something that may or may not be serious but given her family history,it definitely needs checking out.

I asked her yesterday how the checks had turned out. At first she couldn't remember what I was talking about and then when she did she said she hadn't done anything more about it.

I tried convincing her that she must and even threatened to tell OH if she didn't. Again she made clear I wasn't to do this and then she quickly changed the subject.

I am not happy about being put in this position were I'm keeping secrets from OH as he would be furious if he found out. Especially if things turn out bad.

However, I am also not totally convinced that she has not made the whole thing up. She can be a bit attention seeking and I'm flumoxed as to why it took her so long to remember what she'd told me.

What would you do? Tell OH or keep quiet?

Tell OH, its a trust issue. Its completely inappropriate to keep secrets from him. If something were to happen and you hadn't told him...

I'd tell him.

Third person that would tell.

This is what I was thinking as well, but it is going to cause me trouble [sigh].

Invisible, I did consider telling her DD instead, as she would make sure her mum sorted out the checks, but that still won't stop my OH being mad that I never said anything.

Tell him. Don't accept any 'trouble', you're trying to do the right thing for the right reasons!

You have to tell people. If it is something that turns out to be bad and it then transpires that you knew about it but didn't tell anyone then I think you'll feel awful and the family will blame you.

I think theres two points to be made here.

Firstly shes a grown woman , she doesnt need to be told , or threatened into taking responsibility for her own health.Shes made it clear she doesnt want you to tell anyone and you should respect that.

Secondly , it sounds like shes indeed attention seeking and has deliberateley said this wanting you to tell your dh , the fact she couldnt remember is a bit of a give away.
Also , it may or may not be serious , so in fact its not even anything definate is it .Im afraid i wouldnt play , i wouldnt say anything to anyone , i think your being manipulated so that the whole family can fuss round her , ( but she didnt ask them too )ifswim.

Really , its not apropriate of her to make a big thing out of something that may or may not be serious.

I've got a friend whose mother does this - and plays her DCs off of one another. She is a hypochondriac and when she's got her Dr. to commission yet more tests into imaginary illnesses, regularly tells one of her DCs and swears them to secrecy, in the guise of "shielding the others from the worry". This rotates around the DCs and it always causes ructions when it transpires that one of them knew. This ensures bad feeling between the siblings, even in adulthood, which suits the mother very well because she operates a "divide and rule" policy.

This is a game that's not worth playing if you're on the receiving end of it. Tell her now that you regret agreeing to keep this a confidence and that you will be telling her son. That way, if this is a real health issue (even hypochondriacs have genuine illnesses sometimes) you won't be burdened by guilt.

Tell her that you don't want to keep secrets in your relationship and you'd rather she didn't ask you to in future.

Don't tell. You've told her what you think, that she needs to get it checked out - she is an adult and it's up to her, now, what she does. I would put it to the back of my mind and forget it.

It's funny she didn't know what you were talking about. It sounds as if she was just testing to see what you'd say, & might've 'embroidered' it a bit.

Tell her that you have thought about it and that you are no longer prepared to keep secrets from DH. As she may have confided this in you only because of your earlier agreement, you should say that you will continue to respect this but only for another (add reasonable period of time for initial investigations into condition) after which she should either have definite news (either to tell, or let lapse into a non-event). After that time, you will no longer feel bound by secrecy.

This gives her time to get investigations done, and you can work out your actions as things unfold; or at least gives her a bit of time to get used to the idea of what you will do.

If she's genuinely delaying because she is ostriching, then this could be the spur to get her to the doctor and that in turn could be vital to her treatment.

It is not good for your relationship to keep secrets and she is very wrong to put you in this position. I would tell him. Why on earth does he need to be shielded from bad news? He's not a child.

Your first loyalty should be towards your husband. I think you should tell him, but, considering that she might be lying, perhaps it would be a good idea to start with something like:

" Well, I am not sure at all whether this is true or not as your mum told me but later couldn't remind about it, he didn't want me to tell you but as it is such a serious thing, I think you should be aware of it.."
"

and let him make his own mind.

I told him last night. He didn't say much so I'm not sure how he intends to broach the subject with his mum or if he'll speak to his dad instead.

I'm actually very glad I did now as he overheard me telling his mum to get it checked out and knew something was up. Didn't ask me though [Hmm].

I find it very odd the aversion their whole family has to health issues and taking them seriously, but then they probably think I'm neurotic.

I have been proven right in the past though on various occassions. The most recent being when my OH banged his head and started leaking clear fluid from his nose. His family all thought I was being daft to worry and it was probably beer repeating on him.

It was only after I got him alone that I managed to convince him to go to A&E. Turns out he'd cracked a bone and it was spinal fluid. He needed a neumococal injection to protect against infection.

Nightmare. I would probably have not told him but kept pestering the MIL to get it checked out or to tell him herself. Don't think there was any single right way forward for you, though.

about the spinal fluid leaking story.

She is manipulating you and testing your relationship with your dh. I'd tell him. She wants to play games, but you don't have to.

Don't play the game.

Hope you are okay x