why should i be ashamd of myself?

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I am feeling a bit lost right now. im 13 weeks pg and dreading my familys reaction.
my family have always been difucult and controlling. for example i was not allowed to go anywere by myself until i was about 15 - all my freinds were considered unsutible and a great effort was put to distance myself from them i was not allowed to mixed sex parties. things like tv and magazines had to be approved i was not allowed to wqatch or read anything that conflicted with their victorian views(to be deemed morally sutible i guess) i was not allowed to have freinds outside my (private) school. my parents even went in to tell my teachers what i should take for gcse's trying to overide my choices that wernt deemed sutible.

every holiday i was taken to wales to their wreck holiday house. and basically made to follow my parents around not allowed out of there site even at 16. Whilst my peers were out having fun i was sat in a room by myself. If i ever expressed displesure to there views i was snarky or a little bitch. i have come to the concluion this isnt a normal way to treat a teenager. i used to cry myself to sleep at night thinking id never escape

At 16 they moved and i had no where to go but with them, i had to leve school and eventully i said i was going to college and i moved in to a b and b and went wild whie they ignored me. I eventully got pg and had dd at 19. they ignored me the whole period and then made an effort when dd was born cming to see us a couple of times a month at pil where i was living. it didnt last long though, i went to stay with them for a holiday and 3 days in - out of the blue dm accused me of being a drig addict influanced by oh (something neither of us would and have ever touched) i asked why on earth they thought that the reply was oh your an unmarried mother what else are you bound to be in to.

i cut them of but dfather eventuly convinced me to speak to them again - so for the past 6 years weve met for lunch maby every 8 weeks. dm died a year ago. df shoes no intrest in dd past our infrequent meetings. my family no nothing about my life but i know they dont approve of me living in sin. even though i have a stable relashionship and am working as doess oh etc...

now 2 weeks ago i met df and d granmother for lunch, i was 11 weeks (after a previous mc at 12 weeks ) so i was keeping it quiet for obvious reasons. next day dgm phoned me up and said was i pg - i denined it wrightly or wrongly as i consider my family would be more of a burden than support in the event of a mc. she then told me i look overweight (size 10 btw) and am greedy and my choice of clothes is awful. and i must be overweight as oh is upsetting me. i havent spoken to either df or dgm since but am deeply hurt i cant talk to them and am talked to like this at 25.

im dreading telling about the pg as i know they will be nasty and lookdown on me for being an unwed mother too young etc...
i just want to be happy about this not feel i should be ashamed. my oh's family are delighted about another gc and my oh cant understand y my family wont be and y i dont want to tell them. i dont know where im going with this i just wish i could have a family that talks to each other as equals, that goes to each others houses for a cuppa... i dont kow this was more of a vent than anything!

Your post makes me so very sad hiding

Your family did not raise you in the most loving way (understatement) and in a way you must be mourning that loss of idylic childhood, aswell as the loss of your mother.

Try to see it this way. You are a mum, you have a partner who loves you, a child and a new baby on the way (congratulations btw)

This is your family, the birth family you grew up in is fractured and imperfect. This is your chance to raise your family in the way you would have loved. Learn from this, and vow to turn it around now that it's your turn.

No family is perfect. Some make more of a mess of it than others. I have many issues with my mother and have had long periods of not speaking to her, the last was two years. I reconciled myself to her fallibilty and tried to forgive her, but I do not let her influence any decisions regarding my dh or ds.

Live the life you deserve, keep them at arms length, and show them what a real family looks like. Happy.

Do you want to keep in touch with them? If not, you don't have to.

You are a fully grown responsible adult who obviously cares deeply for her daughter, unborn child and partner. The fact that you can do this despite having no good family role models whilst you grew up is a testiment to your character.

So, if you decide to cut contact, don't feel guilty, it's just another decision you took for your and your immediate family's benefit.

I had a very strict upbringing like yours and fell pregnant at 18 because I didn't have a bloody clue which was was up. I was cut off by my parents and they refused ever to help me. Fast forward 20 years I was (planned) pregnant after a m/c which they never knew about. I got round to telling them at about 20 weeks and she asked if I was getting married.I sad no and that was it. They can think what they like but their views are totally irrelevant to me.

You must concentrate on your own and your family's welfare and happiness and do not waste your time with the views of people who do not matter. Your views and opinions do not and have never mattered to them so why should theirs matter to you?

I wouldn't be doing lunches or anything else with these people though. You are an adult, a mum and a loving partner with your own family now and with the added bonus of having a good relationship with DP's family.

That is all that should concern you.

When you do tell them you are pregnant you should tell it like it is the best news ever (it is!!!) and stand there expecting their congratulations. If you don't get them just walk out the door and wash your hands of the f*ckers.

If you don't stand up for yourself now you will always be the black sheep looked down on by these people.

What the other two said!

You can't control other people or their behaviour, nor are you responsible for them but you can (and should - and clearly have!) take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

Families are sometimes not ideal, but your focus now should be on your own children and partner and what's best for you and them. I'd venture a guess that this would be a happy, confident you. If contact with your wider family will help acheive this, great. But, if it won't please don't beat yourself up about it and simply do what's best for your own family.

Good luck and stay strong whatever you decide to do!

thanks for the responses

it makes me sad that whilst others have these supportive familys to turn to i hsve nothing, i have difucuty making and maintaining friendships - im sure as a result of being basically not allowed them growing up.

i am morning the loss of a mother but sad and twisted as it ay sound not my mother she was cold and put my father before me. i couldn even talk to her about starting my period at 11 i had to buy and hide protection out of the machine at school, i wasnt allowed to shave my legs or wear a bra till i was past 14. i honestly think she wanted a baby and didnt know what to do past that stage. i could never talk to her about anything. she was odd aside from the drug abuse allagations of me, i heard her make such allegations to others such as accusing other family of terroism and my freinds mother of alcholism - no basis to such allagations that i can see at all - just v v odd

seeing my family has to be on their terms and incvolves a 2 hou round trip for me - even before i could drive. my oh is made to feel unwelcome by them, he cant understand how they can take so little involvment in dd no intrest or love shown at all.

no i dont really want them in my life but i cant see how to get them out im made to feel guilty as they "love me and DD and just wan the best for us" in emails and phone calls if i try to break contact

I wouldn't normally say this but I thik you would be fully entitled to cut contact with your birth family. You have a loving partner, one lovely child and another on the way. You've done amazingly well in building a good life for yourself despite the abuse you suffered when growing up (and it was abuse to isolate you, belittle you and manipulate you the way they did).
Unless you can get to the stage in your head (and TBH you are very strong and might actually be able to pull this off by the sound of it) of not minding their criticisms, because they are mean-minded tossers and wrong about you - so you can just raise an eyebrow when they start having ago, smile sweetly and say something like 'Well, that's your opinion I suppose' and change the subject - then it is best to have as little as possible to do with them.

Ignore emails and phone calls - I think it's patently clear that they do NOT want whats best for you and your daughter. They are abusive and controlling.

Cut them out and get a good counsellor to help you come to terms with the dreadful abuse that has happened to you. "Cruse" the bereavement charity may be a good place to get help as your mother has recently died.

You don't owe them a place in your life because of an accident of birth.

What can they do to you? You have the right to say that you don't want anything to do with them, and tell them exactly why!

You owe someone nothing because of a few genes. If they are horrible and are reducing your quality of life - bin them.

Be loyal only to those people who deserve your loyalty.

You have no reason to be a ashamed at all, and every reason to feel proud of yourself. Congratulations on your pregnancy...I agree with all that SolidGoldBrass says.

Maybe TELL your gm that yes, you are pg, and isn't it wonderful? If she demurs or criticises, just say 'well I don't agree, and I am very happy in my life, so that's all right. Are you looking forward to a new grandchild or not?' etc, etc, and make it clear that you are confident and happy with your choices, have a right to your opnion and won't be beaten down by their miserable controlling outlook.