Is it too much to ask for from a friend?

[itsallmadness]

Found out my DH was having an affair some time ago. Told a couple of 'close' friends that I wanted him to leave.

I am feeling so sad inside, my whole life could change with this decision but not only feeling sad about what my DH has done but feeling particularly lonely and so alone as none on these 'friends' have even asked how I am and how I am coping etc. On the surface I appear strong but inside I am crumbling, I know that these friends probably don't know that but is it unreasonable to want someone to care?

I don't know if it is just me but I always try and make time to see my friends when they want to talk to me or go out yet, when I have arrange to go meet them they have often blown me out or are too busy with family commitments. I too have a family. Sometimes they don't feel like friends at all but I can't talk to anyone else.

I do not have many other friends to confide in as the OW was a friend too so other friends in our circle gave her support and sided with her.

Just venting and feeling sorry for myself.

Well, sad though you must be feeling itsallmadness, this is a clear sign that they are not real friends. A good friend wouldn't even wait for your call, they would be round there with dinner/wine and a listening ear.

I don't know if they too have sided with the other woman, it could be that. But it is not a good friendship so far.

Have you arranged counselling for yourself to work through your decision?

I hope you have family and a few others close you can talk to. And we are here too, so please, offload to us. x

perfumemedlife,

Thanks for your reply. I thought that maybe I was expecting too much. The friends I have confided in, have not sided with OW at all.

As for counselling, went to Relate earlier this year but I didn't find them that helpful. I want support, someone to tell me, whether what I am doing is right, which I know Relate can't do.

DH still in house, wish he would just go. We have DC's so he doesn't want to leave us, says he loves me but we're not even talking.

I'm not a big fan of Relate either. Some things can't be fixed or analysed, sometimes all you can go on is your instinct.

You sound like you have made your mind up the marriage is over, and I can't say I blame you. He wasn't thinking of the kids when he betrayed you and the family, so don't feel you must hang on to him for their sake, you didn't cause this.

I wonder if your friends just don't know what to say because he is still there. Is it possible they are shocked you have still allowed him to stay and they don't want to tell you this and upset you?

Sorry, I should have worded that better. I know you don't want dh there, you are not 'allowing' anything, he won't go.

perfumedlife, thanks again, you haven't said anything wrong at all.

There was a time when I was busy seeing and being around friends, now I feel like I don't have any. Maybe the few that know what has happened just don't know what to say or do. I don't even want them to ask loads of questions but the company would have been nice.

I am not allowing my dh to stay, he just isn't going. I know i will need to take legal advice, but it feels scary, I wish he would accept it's over and move out without it getting nasty.

itsallmadness, I'm sorry you feel so alone when you are going through such a difficult time.

Your OP struck a chord with me. I don't know why your friends are not rallying around you; maybe they just don't want to get involved, maybe there is something of them wanting to distance themselves from a situation they find uncomfortable (there but for the grace of God go I, kind of thing). 18 months on from my separation I'm not really in regular contact with anyone I considered to be a good and local friend, ie those I did see often. Not sure why; I wasn't wonderful company for a while (and certainly very self-obsessed with only one main topic of conversation) but after a while I did up my game, but have become fed up now always being the initiator. I still miss their company, particularly that on one person I had been very close to for over 8 years (havn't spoken to her for over 6 months now).

To avoid feeling lonely, particularly when DC away, I found interesting things to go out and do on my own (and met a wonderful new DP that way), so perhaps you just have to move on from friends as well as partners. Not easy though feeling people don't care and not having many people to talk to. Very isolating.

Your friends probably just don't like the change in your situation and cannot see that this does not affect the friendship with you.

People are just odd, in my opinion. This certainly isn't the way you would act so it sounds like you need better friends. I have experienced the same including not a single response to the news from people I had known for over 8 years.

Am now working to ensure that I change how I view people so I don't replace them with another lot of 'takers' and it's been quite revealing. The people I have had most support from are the one's who I have fallen into friendships with, not those I've been 'drawn to'. DD is also a 'giver' and has also had the experience of her friends 'ignoring' her when she was distressed. Hard to watch her but hoping she might teach me something too!

People say lots about how people don't know what to say etc etc. But 2 other people called, got my ex, said they'd call back and haven't called in over 6 months! I am fast coming to the conclusion that you should judge others by your own standards and not make allowances but it's tough when you've been conditioned to do the opposite.

If your "friends" aren't there for you at such a difficult time, then they are not friends at all.

AS difficult as it is to have to deal with this,at least you now know where you are.

Earlier this year I had to have an operation and was off work for weeks, unable to do much at all. Some friends were greathelping with practical stuff, cooking, cleaning, just coming round. Others who I'd known for years and thought of as good friends didn't even ring or email.

To be honest, now,I'm grateful to know who my good friends are. The others are just acquaintances, not friends.

ON a practical note, you could go to your local CAB for some advice.

I really hope things get better for you soon.

Hi. Is it possible that because you appear to be strong on the surface they think you don't need them?

I've always been the shoulder to cry on for others and am seen as a very strong person. When it happened to me I felt very alone but then I started reaching out to those friends. They have all rallied round and been lovely and have realised that, although I am strong, I do need them too and one even thanked me for letting her into my life. Just a thought.

This morning I felt much better but by the evening feel down again.

I used to tell my DH every thing, he was my rock and the only person who cared about me ( well apart from the fact he was cheating on me for 3/5 years). Now I can't confide in him at all or look him the eye.

As for my close friends, I may appear to be strong but they know what has been going on, I have confided in them many times before but not one phone call or even a text....

This afternoon one of them told me that she had just been out for a lovely lunch and the other mentioned she was out and about last night. That's great fro them and of course they should go out but felt like my problems meant nothing and that I am not important enough for them to make a bit of time for me, even just a phone call. I always try and support my friends when I can and will try to re-arrange my diary to make time for them.

Then I begin to doubt myself and wonder if people just aren't interested in me.

I have come to the conclusion that because people see me as 'strong' which I am not, they also feel extremely threatened when I appear not to cope. This is something I have concluded watching people's behaviour towards me. In numerous cases, contrary to what people say about reaching out, I have been rebuffed, ignored and blanked at best. At worst, I have had people uninvite me to things, drop me and decide it's 'easier' to pretend I don't exist, that the issue is something 'I brought on myself'.

The latest incident is but a mild example.

Someone I thought was a close friend suggested I leave the kids with their dad and go and live somewhere else if I was unhappy! This was the first call I'd had in over 3 months from her and was in response to my ex asking her to call me as I was in a bad place! I was feeling really really desperate at the time, told her I was but that this really wasn't a realistic option and I got the emotional equivalent of a shrug 'well I did my best.'

It's hard to explain in words, but her response was completely bizare and was very hurtful. TBH I'm not sure that the relationship will recover or that I want it to.

It's hard, as I'm feeling so let down by my ex. To be let down by so-called friends feels like a double-whammy but I'd rather weed out people like this now and focus on people who are life-affirming even if that just means me and the DCs in the short term.