Anyone separated (from marriage)ith young children

[pompncircumstance]

Hi mums,

I would really like any advice or opinions.

I am married and have a 10 month old daughter. To cut a long story short... My husband is a computer programmer and hardly spends any time at home. when he does he is in his study on his computer. We live a long way from any family or friends. I have no one here to help me out or even to talk to so I spend all day every day looking after my daughter. OH comes in around 8.30pm - 9.30pm even later sometimes. When he does he comes in switches on the TV or goes off to read or something. He never will sit and just be with me.

I have always made him dinner but often he just says he isnt hungry and goes to bed so it just gets wasted. I do everything around the home which is fair enough as he works. He hardly spends any time with our daughter and tbh I am really fed up.

I had a DVT (Blood clot) back in January and now have a condition which makes me high risk for more (APS/Possibly Lupus) - I worry alot about it. Some days I just feel exhausted. I would have liked a bit of support from OH but he just doesnt have the time.

Anyway I am tired of the situation and I am thinking about leaving at least for a while.

I have not been working because of my Daughter and wondered if anyone knew how I could go about this and if I would be able to get any benefits to get me out of this time.
I do want to work and I want to earn my own way but it seems impossible with a young daughter.

I have not spoken to anyone about this (my mum has an idea what is happening) but will I be able to get any help? I know a divorce can take some time so during that time how would I finance myself?

This is the only thing holding me back and of course where I would live.

Many thanks
M

There are benefits available, but do you think you'll be better off without him at all, than you are now? What have you done to save the marriage? Many couples go through a bad time when DC are very young, it doesn't have to mean the end.

How long can a couple stay together without having a proper conversation all week? If this is normal maybe I am mistaken. I have tred my best to be a good wife and mother and to make him feel special. But maybe I am missing something.

Have you told him how you feel? Does he realise how unhappy you are? Did you used to have a better relationship?

It does sound very lonely but maybe you could both turn things around if you talk about it/go to counselling?

It's "normal" in that many couples experience the same thing; I certainly did, with DS1. I was stuck at home all day with a baby, bored, lonely and isolated; he got to go out every day to see Grown Ups and have a pint after work, to "unwind". I didn't really address the issue until breaking point - my first Mother's Day - when we had a screaming row and both threatened to leave. I did - I stormed out of the house, and a walk in the cold sea air gave me time to think. I did still love DH and didn't want to be alone, so what were we going to do about it?

I went back, we talked, and we sorted it out. Can you and your DH do that? Being a lone parent isn't fun.

I feel pretty much a lone parent anyway tbh. I have tried to talk to him and he does not have the time. He spends all weekend on his computer so we dont even get to talk then. I know it can be lonely being a new mum but its got beyond that. I dont feel any love there anymore. I feel almost as if we are in his way. Just living off him and doing the housekeeping for him. I am a pretty independant person anyway. spent many years traveling on my own in different countries but this is even worse. The silences drive me mad. I have no idea what he is thinking and its just constant tension.

Maybe you could give him an ultimatum - tell him that you are at the end of the tether with the relationship as it is and unless he is prepared to talk to you/go to Relate to discuss it you are going to leave.

That might be enough of a wake up call for him to realise he needs to make time for you. It certainly sounds like you need to do something for things to change.

You didn't say whether you had a good relationship previously. If so, then maybe you will be able to work it out.

I won't give you advice on your marriage, as only you really know if you want to leave or not.
I will however let you know that you will be entitled to some sort of benefit, housing benefit, and of course some sort of child maintenance from your husband.
My sister left her marriage with 3 young children and the housing benefit was agreed very quickly and she found a private rent that would accept housing benefit, was all fairly straightforward.
There is financial help available, perhaps contact the CAB for further advice.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Thanks very much Daydream for the info and encouragement.

Malinkey, I think I do need somethig to change. I do feel taken for granted tbh and as if he couldnt care less about me or his daughter.

I always knew he spent long hours at work but I guess I did feel he wanted to be with me. He use to take me out for dinner once in a while,do nice stuff. Now he doesnt bother at all. I get nothing on valentines day and christmas was wrecked last year as he just couldnt be bothered.

You've tried to talk and he doesn't have time? Of course he has time. Everyone has time. We all have exactly the same 24hrs. How we choose to prioritise our time is another thing entirely.

In my experience you know deep in your gut if a relationship is truly dead in the water. Having the clarity of mind and self awareness to recognise it and then the courage to act upon it is the difficult part. But once you know, you know and simply can't deny it. Hopefully this isn't the case for you. I was in a relationship for 12yrs, and with hindsight can see that I had that small still inner sense of 'this relationship is already dead' for at least....oooh, I don't know...12 of them?

Look after yourself.

Thanks Purple.I know I need courage and I need to be strong and think about whats best. I am not looking for sympathy here, just understanding and I'm glad to find some of you have been in similar situations. Its not so much our different lives. I love being a wife and mother and do gladly every thing that has to be done. But somehow I feel that maybe he is pushing me away on purpose. I have my pride too and I honestly can say I have tried for him (I couldnt have said the same in other relationships) Oldie it does sound similar. How did he take it when you moved out/got separated?