Help please - awkward situation

[ENFJtype]

I had got in the habit of going for the odd drink with an old roue type that I study with. One night he tried it on and we had a bit of a snog. I avoided him for ages after - I feel terrible as I have a boyfriend though to be fair at the time we were uncommitted.

I did like the guy though (roue) and we are on another course together a few months later and he suggested a drink. I thought about it and decided it would be better not to get myself in this situation (I think he blatantly wants sex and my bf would obviously not be happy with this, we are now in a committed relationship, though I do have the odd doubt).

So I emailed and said I couldn't meet him as my ex has pulled out of having the kids. We are due to be at a college social in a few weeks, would rather just see him there. He has now emailed back saying why I don't I come over to yours.

I don't want him to. However, I am not sure how to phrase it. I don't want to allude to the fact I might be tempted to sleep with him if he did and I don't want to just fob him off.

This undoubtedly sounds pathetic but I am rubbish at saying no to people and if he turns round and said he only meant it in friendly way it will be awkward at my college. I was previously in an EA relationship and am used to having my words twisted.

Any advice appreciated.

Er...you say no actually I have a bf?

Sorry that was a bit curt. But you don't have to keep everyone happy. How about ignoring the email?

Hi ENFJtype - you need to pull your assertive self out of the bag in this situation.

I would suggest you email him back saying "I'll meet you at the social at 8 (or whenever)." Don't get bogged down in explanations, it just gives people a way in - if you make up an excuse, they can try to bat the excuse away, then you need another excuse...you know the sort of thing.

Good luck

Dear roue, i have a boyfriend. whilst i will be friends with you, it is on the understanding that we are not fuck buddies.

regards

Why not just say you are in a relationship now, so him visiting you ont be appropriate.

I am not sure what a planet you are on, actually, if you were considering telling him that the reason he cant come over is that you would be tempted to sleep with him. That is just odd. You have a boyfriend, but how committed are you to this boyfriend?

Just say 'I don;t think so, thanks, see you at the social evening.' You don't have to please this man, you don't owe him anything other than politeness.

Thank you all for your advice. I know, I know, why can't I just be stronger in this? I am actually studying to be a psychotherapist, and its all about unpicking why I behave the way I behave. Why do I feel bad saying no? Why do I let him try it on?

The reason I don't want to see him is because I am slightly tempted but I don't want hurt bf. But I feel like I've given out mixed signals and its difficult to say no,and I don't like the thought of never seeing him again as he is good company.

Seeing him as a friend is tricky as I do drink too much and therefore allow myself to behave badly. I have agreed to meet him before and therefore set a precendent I feel.

But am determined to do the right thing...

What is it about this guy that you fancy? You are saying Roue, but I am hearing Lech.

I think you are probably wasting your time with your bf to be honest. If you feel so tempted, something must be missing with the bf.

The need to please people can be a right pain in the ass. Definately do some work on that, learning to say no and dealing with people's reaction to that.

Slightly tempted sounds to me like ' a little bit pregnant'

If you were previously in an EA relationship, are you sure your current boyfriend isn't another one? Is he the one who is pushing for commitment? Women who have been in abusive relationships before do sometimes go from one abuser to a different sort of abuser. This isn;t to say that the elderly roue is the answer to your problems, of course - the cure for a rubbish partner isn't a new partner, it's about fixing yourself. Though sometimes an uncomplicated fling with someone who just wants some sex&fun without anything more serious can be a good thing to do.