Trying the "asking questions" method of tackling stroppy child?

[BalloonSlayer]

I am getting exhausted by my 10 year old DS's stroppiness and unreasonableness.

Every time I try to talk to him about his behaviour he refuses to take responsibility for it - according to him it's ME being horrible.

Discussions, well, arguments go:

Him: "No other Mum would give that punishment!"
Me: "Yes they would, or a more serious one. You've got off pretty lightly actually."
Him: "No they WOULDN'T!!"

or

Him: "I wasn't doing that"
Me: "yeah, but you were DS."
Him: "I wasn't!"
Me: "Well you were because I saw [whatever]"
Him: "I WASN'T!! All you do is call me a liar!"
Me: "That's not all I do, DS. But you are actually lying this time and there is the proof."
Him:

I have been racking my brains to remember the way the welfare officers I used to know would speak to the children. They would ask questions about the behaviour and by this method the child would be led to their own conclusions about their bad behaviour, responsibility for it etc.

I can see that is the way I have to go, as the way I am talking to him is leaving him with no escape route.

eg; When he says "No other Mother does xx" I should say "What do other mothers do?" or "What would you do if you were the mother and I was the child?"

But I can't really remember how to do it. It was seriously impressive watching these people calm kids down and get them behaving with a few well-chosen words.

Has anyone got any advice for me?

I put this in relationships as it is starting to feel like a relationship going wrong rather than a parenting issue.

I am in awe of my boyfriend who can stop his kids in their tracks with "Is that really a good idea?"

I would ask allt he questions you would like to (calmly) know the answet too, What made you think that was a good idea? What did you think would happen when you did xxx? How did you think xx would make me feel? If you werent doing xx what were you doing?? HOw did it make you feel when you did xxx?

I've been reading a lot of Love and Logic parenting techniques. You can google it if you're interested.
In a situation where you have meted out a punishment, don't engage in a coversation about it. You can say things like:
"I understand you are frustrated". (This shows empathy without backing down).
"I love you too much to argue".
Keep your tone and facial expression neutral and avoid sarcasm. Avoid answering questions or any baiting that your child maight try. Keep repeating stock phrases like those above. Your child will get the message that you are not going to negotiate. Would love to write in more detail but not enough time at the moment!
www.loveandlogic.com

On the lying aspect, don't enter into a conversation. You and he both know when he is lying. You don't need to enter into a conversation about whether he is lying or not. Just keep repeating the message that you want to give him about the particular behaviour. ie 'Please don't slam doors' or whatever it is he has been doing.

Ispy I used the "I love you too much to argue" line today and it shut him right up.

Result!

Ha-haaaaa!

I shall try to get some of those love and logic CDs. I like the idea of CDs. DH can listen to them as well.

What struck me about your post is that both times you denied his opinion completely and didn't acknowledge what he said.

So 'no other mum would give that punishment'

ACKNOWLEDGE
'oh, no other mum would give this punishment?'

then calm, interested QUESTIONS 'why not? what would they do?'

Then you can discuss and explain why you did what you did.

other argument:

I wasn't doing that!
(God, I know this one well as a teacher - they must think we are stupid)

anyway
ACKNOWLEDGE
You say you weren't doing that. Is that true? Because to me it looked like xyz.

They reply...
You say well, if you DO do xyz, what do you think should happen?

Ultimately your goal is for them to behave so if they are now behaving, well, it sorta doesn't matter if they did it or not.

Thanks Adair, that's brilliant advice.

Will try it out

I often say (out of genuine bafflement), well, I don't know what to say/do. If you were me, what would you say/do? Makes them think and switches the focus.

I am currently reading "Games People Play" and it says children learn early.

Imho, your ds is trying to deflect the subject away from himself when the subject of "other Mothers'" (or brother/sister) actions (or not) come up-I usually try to steer it in the direction that these 'others' are completely irrelevant.

I'll be looking up love and logic, too. Thanks for the tip, Ispy.

The Explosive child advises parents to repeat the statement back to the child.
Him: "No other Mum would give that punishment!"
Mum: "No other Mum would give that punishment! What do you think they would do?"
I've tried it and it kind of works. Haven't finished the book though so don't know aht else it advises!