My parents reaction to our break up unbearable [sad]

[chosenone]

After months of talks, councelling and trying DH and I have decided to split. It is amicable. We are friendly and the focus is on doing things the best we can for the kids sake. We have never been so down and sressed as we've been telling people, its been the worst bit. Thankfully we both have very good and supportive friends in RL. However both sets of parents are sad, dissapointed and angry. I guess this is to be expected, my dad is really OTT though.

He thinks we'll end up like families "you read about in the papers every day" where a jealous dad kills everyone or a depressed mum does. He doesn't trust my exDH with our children and is paranoid about their safty!! My ex DH is an excellent dad, a bit dippy and day dreamy but their welfare is paramount!, he isn't unstable and I doubt very much he'd flip and kill anyone!!!

Im staying away from my parents for the minute because their reaction seems too OTT it adds further presurre. ExDH is offended by their worries and feels its them that will upset the applecart. They think Im being selfish and that I want to "go off galavanting" putting my childrens needs at the bottom of my priorities! Anyone else had any experience of this? Im sad ive dissapointed them I really am but i said to my mum "we can't stay together to keep you 2 happy", she is ok but my dad is the main problem. he speaks to me like im a kid again and makes assumptions about our motives!! He is stuck in the Victorian ages but I think he's being so unfair

Gawd, what a depressing attitude from your father. If you and dh can be amicable, it's the least you can expect from your parents.

So long as you are satisfied things are going as best they can, tell father to keep his nose out of your business. It is your business, you are an adult. His input is not required.

WHile your father's reaction does appear OTT I can understand why he is worried for his grandchildren's safety as there seems to be an increase in children being killed by a parents who have separated.

pb ????

tell your father to keep his nose out

it is none of his fucking business

how dare the lot of them increase the stress you are already under !

kudos to you and H for keeping it amicable and trying your best to salvage something

it hasn't worked out...that is sad but the pair of you are not bloody axe-murderers and should be congratulated in being so grown-up about a very unhappy time for all concerned

I feel really angry for you

I never said I agreed with the father, AF, I wasw just saying I can see why he might be worried when he has heard of other children dying. Clearly him treating her like a child is not acceptable.

Agree with AF. Maybe you should politely remind your father that this isn't about him, and that if you and your H can behave with decency and respect he should perhaps follow your example.

Media hype and sensationalism rule this fucking country!!!! This is not a new crime, it's been happening for centuries, but the Daily Mail thinks it is...

Try "You're going to have to butt out Dad and leave us to it, because your reaction is unhelpful and overly dramatic to be honest"

I think you sound like you are doing a fantastic job at being amicable and honest etc, maybe worth mentioning to your Dad that you are dealing with this the best way you can and that his opinion is very different to the reality

pb, I think you and OP's FIL have been reading too much of the Daily Mail

marriages break up every single day

divorce currently runs at about 1 in 3 marriages

child-killing-by-parent is incredibly rare

the H in this situation is proving himself to be (like the OP) mature and able to work things out like a decent human being

this OP's Father, for example, is being a twat and if he isn't careful, he is on a road to ruining the work that these two have put in to making this as easy as possible on the children

sorry, I meant OP's father throughout my post and don't know why the FIL snuck in

agree with quavers you are gonna have to talk to him and tell him to butt out of it!

me and xdp have been split for 2 months(he still living here) and i havent told my dad yet cos i fear a over reaction (i have to tell him its cos im gay)

blimey dusty, you'd better get on with it !

It is nothing to do with reading the Daily Mail . I watch the news, I see what goes on, I know people it has happened too.

Thanks ladies...its the only stressful thing about it, I really hope me and exDH stay amicable we make good friends just not partners any more! My dad was so full on saying he couldn't bare the thought of the kids staying with their dad overnight as he'd worry for their safety! He also said DH would probs spiral into alcoholism, let his business fold before killing everyone!! I mean seriously he should keep these thoughts to himself, he has suffered from depression in the past but this is going too far!

I said they could not interfere with contact and we were sorting that out ourselves. Thats when dad starts laying the guilt trip about us being 'selfish' and 'galavanting' he also said 'we never did this to you, how can you do it to your two'!! I wish i'd said how loving and supportive he's always been!!!

Trouble is my brother is an addict and they have enough to worry about with him! They expect me to be angelic!!

Be straightforward. Tell your father that you could really do with his support right now and that frankly you are feeling a complete lack of it and that it's adding significantly to your stress. Ask him if he can do that for your sake and the sake of the children.

Tell him you'll all be able to deal with his ruffled feathers in a few months time, but for now it's not all about him, it's all about actually helping the children get through the changed circumstances and everyone behaving like adults will go a long way towards achieving this.

pb...do you see paedophiles on every street corner too ?

Good grief

Tell him if he can't calm the fuck down about this, you can't talk to him about it and the subject is therefore closed

lol @ AF

Oh dear. not what you need at all. But some parents still struggle to accept that their children are not extensions of themselves and have to make their own decisions and have their own problems. Plus we are lucky enough to growing up in different times to them. The 1960s and even 1970s were dreadful years.

My mother was totally unhelpful to my sister when she split from her dh in fact worse than unhelpful she was furious and ashamed in a "what will the neighbours say" way. She never once considered the misery my sister was enduring. Then she was furious when my sister met someone else because she hadn't served a long enough penance. at one point she said "what will I tell my friends? they were so sympathetic to her because her marriage broke up. now they will think she has got over it all a bit quickly" I almost choked that the opinion of her friends mattered more than her own daughter's happiness

Then I almost split from my dh last summer and, again, she nearly flipped. It was really hurtful. She said awful things to try and shock me into staying put and keep the show on the road, which sounds a bit like your father trying to frighten you with the ex-dh being a threat to the kids stuff. My mother and I were close before all this and it has changed our relationship markedly. I imagine it will be the same for you and your father. She never once said "how are you coping" or acknowledged the stressful situation i was in. I think if I had said to my mother "we can't stay together to keep you happy" she would have said "yes you should". After all she grew up in an era where people really did stay in uphappy marriages because of the social stigma of getting divorced. Unhappiness was not considered a valid reason for leaving a marriage.

When I was going thru all this my therapist (!) said don't expect to change your parents. Just like your father is not going to change your mind by what he says, you can't change his. He has his own issues and ways of dealing with things that have worked for him for years.

You are right to give him a wide berth for a while. I still can hardly bare to take my mother's phone calls. You sound very sure that you are doing the right thing, which is good. My only advice is grow a thick skin and try and not let him get to you. Good luck

No, I don't AF . Why are you being so patronising to me? I read a post, I tried to say that I could understand why the OP's father felt the way he does without saying he was right and yet you just seem to want to take the piss.

Sorry, but you'll look back and laugh.

My dad said panically "HE'S not on the birth certificates, is he? It would make it very difficult if he can say he's their dad..."

And I was WTF? Ds1 is FOUR YEARS OLD and KNOWS who his goddamn dad is.

And their dad has never missed a week in 3 years since!

I can imagine my dad saying stuff like that. He is a catastrophiser but there's also no filter on his brain which says "I should really keep these thoughts to myself".

I just try to ignore the silly old sod but I have posted on here about him before.

With my dad I think it's a way of controlling his own anxiety. He always immediately verbalises what's the worst thing that can possibly happen and then he feels a bit better.

Unfortunately it makes everyone else around him feel like crap.

Agree, tell him he is being unhelpful and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

pb, I am not taking the piss

I am merely highlighting that this kind of scaremongering ("the kids father might kill them") is at best sensationalist claptrap and at worst a horrible form of emotional blackmail and anyone who uses it should not be indulged

When I split with ds1's dad my Grandad told me I'd end up on the game and he would end up in care. I was so angry and I have never forgotten that. Neither of those things happened. Tell your dad that if he can't be constructive, keep his views to himself. Congratulations on your mature, amicable split. Wish mine had been like that.

Your GD sounds delightful, Lazarus
Just when you needed some support, eh

I know...he passed away 20 months ago and guess who ended up being there for him in the last few years as his health failed! However, while he never apologised for those comments, he did eventually acknowledge that I made the right decision all those years before. :)