ange8 Lots to ponder on in your post. One of the things you might find helpful is to ask him these questions yourself, asking him what he thinks?
Given his (former?) profession, he may well have come across the concept of Transactional Analysis, which discusses the games people play in relationships and the roles they enact. It also looks at the three ego states from which we operate, parent, child and adult.
What often happens in romantic relationships is that somewhere along the line, one of the protagonists starts to operate from a parental ego state and the other, from a child's perspective. It is a pernicious dynamic in an adult romantic relationship, taints sexual intimacy and the relationship suffers greatly when true parenting needs emerge; i.e the DCs' needs.
The parental ego state can be alternately nurturing and controlling, but whereas nurturing will achieve a "little boy, lost and clueless" response - and the controlling an "I will do this and you can't stop me", defiant response, neither has a place in an adult romantic relationship.
It's interesting to see that you've noticed more adult-adult exchanges. And there is a world of difference between what I've described above - and a relationship where both adults nurture the other equally, or where circumstances such as bereavements or disappointments cause us to be child-like and our partner soothes our hurt; a temporary imbalance.
I don't think you should remonstrate with yourself for protecting your DCs from being treated badly by an adult. This is in fact an appropriate parental reaction and it is clear that whereas you would have normally kept a united front and displayed collective responsibility, you had to depart from that when the person with most need (your child) warranted protection. How your H perceived that is another matter - in his child-like state, he may have perceived it as being "told off" and because he may have been frustrated with himself by his own parenting deficiencies, it was easier to blame you, just as a child will deflect blame in every direction but inwards.
Isn't language fascinating? You describe your commendable efforts to focus his networking activity on commercial success, being met with resistance, because it would mean the loss of his "toy" - a child-like image again. As is creating a cabal, instead of the more adult response which would have involved him achieving a win-win solution to the fracturing relationship with the other man.
This begs a further question. How is he at confronting difficult situations with other adults?
With regard to friendships, this is very interesting. You imply that he has previously allowed friendships with females to cross the line, albeit earlier in your relationship. Can you explain more?
And why do you think you haven't nurtured female friendship yourself?
I noted on another thread you being an introvert on the MBTI assessment, but of course that literally means that you don't have as much need of people, than someone on the "E" scale. What is your H?
Lots of men, especially those who lack emotional intelligence, profess that they "don't need friends" - and consequently the relationships they form with other men are wholly superficial, with no discussions at all about their personal lives or their insecurities. Your H might have the appearance of a reconstructed, non-sexist man who eschews macho posturing, but one of the most significant benefits he could make to his life would be to form some close male friendships with emotionally intelligent males.
It is absolutely no coincidence that your H is able to form closer relationships with women and despite his abstinence over the years in this regard, that is his natural instinct. He perhaps doesn't regard women as competitors (they have no cocks to wave!) and so his guard drops and he can express his feelings and vulnerabilities.
The man with few or no close male friends is particularly vulnerable to a blurred friendship with another woman, because he is unused to expressing emotions and feelings and these now have an outlet. I note he says he didn't discuss such things with the OW, but I'd be very surprised if he wasn't playing something of a role in this relationship, that allowed him to like himself more.
Affairs are very often about mirroring. They allow people to enact roles that they never have - and they play up to the impression created. It might be worth hearing about the role he was playing with the OW - the high-achiever, the emotionally literate man, the romantic etc.? One of the best questions in the Shirley Glass book is "What did you like about yourself, in the relationship?"
The challenge then is to bring the truthful, honest bits, back into the primary relationship. Your relationship sounds very practical and romance doesn't seem to have loomed large, but now that looks to be changing with your date last night. That's all for the good.
His inability to pick up on atmospheres and signals is fascinating - and again suggests someone who needs to develop their emotional intelligence. What does he say about this? Has anyone else given him that feedback? You might want to think about situations in your past when he has completely misread a situation and has been shocked with the result. Or when he has thought someone liked him - and when you have seen him in that person's company, you have sensed wariness or dislike.
What I can't help with here is how much some of this might have to do with ASD - and that will need some clinical guidance.
It's great that you can chart and celebrate progress with his willingness to admit vulnerability to the outside world, especially to his manager. When he can do this with someone he feels in competition with, that will be even more progress. I wonder how he might approach the relationship with the male course delegate now?
I also wonder whether you can talk to him about how some affairs are punitive in motive? I accept what you say about the self-harming aspects of it, but this might be worthy of more discussion between you and more reflection. I notice for example that he had recently become the sole breadwinner - sometimes the insecurity associated with that, causes blame and a desire to punish. There might also be issues about the mother-child relationship I referred to earlier, since so many emotionally unintelligent males have mother-punishment motives.
There is an unfortunate stereotype of the emotionally unintelligent male; either neanderthal in appearance, nature and general intelligence, or an alpha type who is hugely successful, but ruthless.
Your H confounds both of these stereotypes by the sounds of things, but I am pretty convinced that he would score very low on any EI test - and exploring this, along with achieving an adult-adult romantic relationship, closer male friendships and all the other post-affair progress you have made, might just be the key.
This is also all about him and there is much more we can discuss about you and your aspirations. I'm happy to help.