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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why am I so stupid?

22 replies

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 10:47

God; I have posted on here a few times about my relationship woes and attempted to leave on more than one occasion.
Partner is a waste of space; angry, cruel,stoned, mental health problems, has been violent to me twice,agressive and destructive to our home and property several times.
He left us in the Summer,threating to slit his wrists and gave everyone a huge worry-except for me I couldnt give a fuck :( which is sad as we were once very much in love-or rather I was with him, not sure he is capable of love. Any how it was hard going for the month he was gone; but that was primarily due to the dcs being on summer holidays, the atmosphere was great and I didnt miss him at all..
Then somehow he managed to worm his way back and thing are worse than ever especially financially as he owes out money to all kind of scum for weed. To give a bit of context we were always reasonably ok with money until the beginning of the year when he was in an accident which left him with a severe back injury which will see him him incapacitated for the next year at least; his smoking has increased as a direct response to his pain but still; there are other methods of pain relief.
So anyway there is much more to my story but I am going to leave him as soon as I get some money just need a bit of encouragement and some where I can get my head straight after the daily gas lighting sessions . Also I am outside the UK so things are a bit harder to organise as I hope to return to my home town.

OP posts:
irishma · 15/09/2010 10:49

What country are you in?

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 10:51

I am from uk and want to get back there to my family.

OP posts:
trappedfool · 15/09/2010 10:52

God my message doesnt say the half of it THe pressure I'm under is .

OP posts:
irishma · 15/09/2010 10:56

What country are you in now?

Its a terrible position to be in and I cant even imagine the pressure you feel under. Its only you that can change that..

If the only thing stopping you is money then you need to find it... Do you have anyone you can ask?

Gigantaur · 15/09/2010 10:57

you don't need more money to leave.
all you need is you and your children.

stop putting excuses in the way of your future happiness.

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:00

I have debt up to my eyeballs... to door step lenders as well as car loans etc. have to have money for petrol, ferry etc; .
I strongly believe that I must not run off into the night with the dcs as I have tried before and failed ; I want to leave for good
.

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 15/09/2010 11:03

You are not stupid - repeat 'i am not stupid'. He sounds like a horrible person who has completely manipulated you. Who can you talk to in real life - i live abroad also - so i know its hard to find support from organisations sometimes but if you at least tell your mum in uk or someone they can maybe help you see a way through if not actually physically help you.

are you in physical danger from him now.. you must call the police if you are, plus it will get him out of your house. keep posting there are people on mn who have been through this. sorry i can't be more help.

typing one handed - scuse errors please.

Tippychoocks · 15/09/2010 11:03

How far away are you - which country?

I would echo that you need to find the money to leave and come back to the UK if that's what you want. Don't wait for removal money or deposit money or whatever - stuff is less important than getting you and your children happy and safe. How much would sort it out and do you have somewhere to go whn you get here?

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:10

Dont want to say where I am but I'm not too far away around 1 days travel . Partner is a manic depressive and gp thinks he has personality disorders.I dont feel that I am in physical danger as he has only been violent when drunk but after the last episode about 6 months ago he hasnt drank anything...so he thinks he is great never mind the hash ,the vebal abuse etc

OP posts:
trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:14

I am stupid because I know what he is and yet here I am still :(

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 15/09/2010 11:14

Maybe i'm a reactionary bitch but if a person was verbally abusing me whilst high on illegal drugs i'd call the police anyway. i'd say that they were intoxicated, posing a threat to me, my children and the community and get them taken away. is that possible to do that where you are?

RudeEnglishLady · 15/09/2010 11:17

tf thats not stupidity. its poor judgement maybe but it sounds like this man has treat you so badly you don't know which way is up.

anyway, you can't be stupid now - you've got to be brave and smart and a bit vicious and do whatever it takes to protect your children.

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:22

Would be laughed out of the police station I'm afraid... he is far too subtle and insiduous (SP).
I dont want to walk out in a rush ,I will be out of here before xmas . I dont want to leave my home and the life I have built up for myself but I need the physical distance away from him to make a real break iyswim.

OP posts:
trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:30

I am brave and smart and vicious and a whole heap more! Just need to get the fuck away from him.

OP posts:
RudeEnglishLady · 15/09/2010 11:33

i don't understand. policemen think illegal drugs are funny where you live... a drug is either illegal or not, so possession and intoxication are a crime or not. being charming does not change that - lovely george michael going to jail should tell you that.

if you are so unprotected by the law where you are maybe you should just get away and sod the furniture. good luck with what you decide.

colditz · 15/09/2010 11:36

Ring womensaid

They can help even if you are overseas.

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 11:44

Yeah have spoken to WA; they cant do anything til I'm back but are a good support and will help me as soon as I get to the UK . This has been a long time in the planning stages and I am becoming impatient but I will get out soon.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 14:59

What are you actually doing to escape your situation ?

You say you are in debt (or he is in debt, more like...) to various people. So how are you saving money.

In your situation, tbqh, I would leave him and leave him with the debts.

Your list of behaviours he has displayed lets you off the hook in behaving decently towrds him wrt money, I am happy to say.

You are staying out of misplaced loyalty (not understandable) and a sense of inertia (kind of understandable)

I don't actually understand from your post just what is keeping you there. He will get violent again, you are deluding yourself. Staying in that environment, when you have any choice at all is foolish and damaging to your children. Do you understand that ?

You don't even mention that you love him...the love has been killed.

So leave. Empty your bank account of what you do have, take the clothes on your back, catch that ferry and come home to family/friends, where you can be helped and supported.

In 12 months time you will hate yourself for staying so long.

trappedfool · 15/09/2010 15:15

Any fucker :( every thing you say makes sense but I have had to walk a 5 mile round trip today twice to get kids to school and root in the sofa for coppers for milk and bread. It will take me a couple of weeks to squirrel away enough for ferry and petrol.

WRT debt , most of it is in my name ; what will happen if I leave and he doesnt pay? Will they not come after me and fuck up my credit rating in the UK?

I already hate myself for staying too long so please go a little easy on me.

I have been sorting out some practical things ie schools; temporary accommodation.

I dont love him; I wish I could be in love with the person I thought he was but I have come far enough to know that the bad side is what he is.

OP posts:
Naoko · 15/09/2010 15:50

I respect and understand that you don't want to say where you are, however you say you are about a day's travel from the UK and need ferry money. That suggests to me you are somewhere in northwest Europe. All the countries in that area are civilised places and in any of them there will be a local equivalent of Women's Aid or other organisations for women in situations like yours. Find out who they are; they will help you leave.

The debts and the credit, everything material - I don't know what the situation is if you just leave, but all these things can be fixed and sorted out after the fact. You need to get yourself and your kids safe; everything else is of secondary concern.

I also do not think you would be laughed out of a police station in any western European country if you went in and said 'I live with an abusive man and I want to leave him and get home to my country; can you or an organisation you know of help me do this.'

Best of luck. Ask for help, there are good people out there in any part of the world who will come to your aid.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2010 16:04

I am going easy on you

You are going to have to ask for help

Forget your pride

The debts may follow you, yes, but that can be sorted out later

what good is a credit rating if you are rooting for coppers for staple food down the back of the sofa ?

I don't understand how your situation will improve any further, to enable you to leave more easily, by just staying there longer
Confused

LadyLapsang · 15/09/2010 22:56

Ask your family or the British Embassy to help get you back to the UK. Get your running away kit ready, passports and other documents and get out.

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