Has anyone successfully ended a marriage to an alcoholic?

[MovingForward]

I would appreciate any comments form women who have ended a marriage to an alcoholic. I am about to file foe legal separation. My alcoholic is lovely and i feel for him, but i can no longer live in a state of crisis. My children and i deserve better. Can anyone share anything to help me get through this a bit more smoothly?

Not sure I did it smoothly or well.. but it was the best possible outcome for me and my kids.

Just do things calmly and consistently. Be there for your kids and try to keep their routine as consistent as possible.

I didn't do it well or smoothly but I did what was best for me and DS. I had to be very manipulative to get him to sober up and get him out of the house (which was my priority). As a result I entered into a legal separation and H refused to divorce me so I ended up waiting 5 years until I could divorce him. If I had tried to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour at the time, he would not have sobered up, would have eventually lost his job and I would have had to leave the marital home with DS who was only 18 months at the time. It was a bad situation and I tricked him into thinking we stood a chance of getting back together if he sobered up and separated temporarily IYSWIM.

I also managed to get a full clean break settlement instead of maintenance for DS as I couldn't rely on his soberity (sp?). The CSA agreed not to persue him.

Good luck.

I am in the early stages of divorcing my alcoholic and drug addict husband. He has moved out to stay with family. At the moment it is reasonably amicable - he seems to think there is a chance of reconciliation. There isnt. When I serve him with divorce papers I expect it will get very nasty, but I intend to have all my ducks in a row by then

The chaos is the hardest thing to live with, and it is SO SO much calmer and nicer without him here for me and the kids

Good luck

Thank you for your messages. if you think of any more helpful advice, please pass it along.

my friend did.
Broke her heart.
Now fully recovered and very happy!

Hi all,

Watching what advice is being posted.

Lemonstartree - what was the defining moment that made you say 'enough is enough', if you dont mind me asking?

Thanks

Snowmama, how long did it take to get through separation? how long have you been apart and how have the kids managed through it all?

not an alcoholic but it was definitely living in state of crisis. was best thing to leave for the DC. they thrived and are thriving.

wirte down:

what are ou worried about happening to or in front of the dc if you stay?
how might they be harmed?
how will they rememebr their childhood?

whata re the beenfits of leaving?
what harm might they suffer if you no longer living with alcholism?
how will they remember their childhood in this scenario?

thank you cestlavielife. i think about these thins but i never write them down. I will do so then i will share it with my inlaws on saturday when i tell the family that i will be filing for legal separation.

thank you

MovingForward I seperated in February 2010. It was/is very much a time of one step at a time, one breath at a time.

• my ex, in a back to front kind of way, made it easy for me emotionally be being an utter, raging, drunken twat during the process - which removed any lingering doubts !!

• my DS was 3 and my DD 1 when we left - and my DS was very distressed and missed his dad visibly. We did lots of hugs, kisses and talking about daddy. His dad does see him but not more than twice a month. He has settled made friends and is comfortble now - although he still often wants to talk about his Dad and where we used to live.

Both little ones are now very cheerful and settled - they were exposed to too much chaos and anger before, so although I feel bad they don't see their dad as much, I am glad they are living in a calm and consistent space.

... not sure if any of this makes sense or is of any use...

snowmama... thank you. it makes a great deal of sense and i can completely relate. Especially about the little one missing daddy. sometimes that gets to me

thank you.

I didn't end a marriage, but a relationship. I just could not deal with the constant chaos. The sense of calm afterwards was a WONDERFUL thing.....

thank you lemonylemon. It is reassuring to hear someone else could not manage the constant chaos. i am enjoying calm right now, while he is in rehab.... again

No problem, there may just be some days where a bit of moral support is all you need...