any advise on how to get over ex?

[troubledmummy]

hi im 22 and i been split from my ex for nearly three yrs i dont have any contact i dont even live in same borough and i still think about him all the time every day at least twice and just wondered if anybody had any advise on how i can get him out of my head, we were together for six yrs and he was my first love and i still cry myself to sleep most nights and it is getting to me as all i want to do is forget him and move on i think its worse because i dont have any friend either its just me and dd. sorry to go on

[colditz]

You have to try to make some friends, lean on your parents (if they are around), get out and about with and without your dd. try to go out to a pub or something at least once a month.

Sorry you're feeling so crap

[troubledmummy]

im too scared to go out to pub and that on my own i think that alot of it is to do with the way i was treated by ex that makes me the way i am with people i just dont feel like im ever going to get over him or get him out of my head

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

[troubledmummy]

no i fell pregnant when we were split for a while i dont see him at all

[MrsMiggins]

could you try to make friends with your DD at playgroups?
I know it seems hard but you need to try to take your mind off him
Ive been hurt so many times and you need to trust you own feelings
Maybe you feel noone understands

hang in there and come back to MN for support

thinking of you
xx

[troubledmummy]

thank u that means alot dd is starting school in a week so im hoping i may make friends there i really thought that after this long i would be over him and cant understand y especially after what went on

[TwinSetAndPearls]

I was like this when my marriage broke down, I would still cry over or get butterflies when I saw him for almost three years.

I had counselling and my counsellor said to me one day you will imagine yourself being separate from him and even him loving someone else and it won't hurt. I didn't believe her and I used to physically throw up when I tried to think of us being apart. I suppose it is a bit like phobia therapy when you imagine or confront the thing you are scared of and one day the fear diminsishes. I am now very happy and would never consider taking him back and feel fine seeing him with his new partner.

To help you get to this stage you need to replace the void he has left with something else and I don't mean a new partner, although that will be a step for you much later. As others have said you need to get out make friends, do things that you are good at so that you love yourself as an individual not as half of a partnership that doesn't exist anymore.

I do understand.. I have been there.

[troubledmummy]

it does fell better knowing that im not the only one i honestly thought that i was i have tried to love myself but he took every bit of self respect and confidence i had and stamped all over it

[MrsMiggins]

I work in a different town to where I live.
My exP lives where I work.
Every day I drive to work looking to see if I can see him or his car, even though I am married with 2 kids... you just cant help it - its human nature.

you just have to try to move on otherwise you wont find the happiness you deserve....

you sound positive over next week at the school gates.

think of children - they are wise
my DS said somtehing to me yesturday which made me think. He asked why he couldnt play with his friend Daniel from nursery and I said cos I didtn know his mum.
"Why dont you go to Daniel's house, go to his mum & say whats your name"
so simple for kids, yet so hard for us..

[troubledmummy]

its true dd will talk to anybody but i cant do it i think its all to do with the dv i suffered when i was in the refuge it was easy to talk as they all been there but if u tell people who dont know u they feel sorry for u and thats not what i want u know

[MrsMiggins]

wasnt saying it was easy - I find it hard to chat to people too.

men arent worth wasting negative energy on love.

they say that the happiest people are married men & single women (although I suspect thats women without kids)

you do need to try to make friends somewhere

CAT me if you want a chat - most nights by myself as DH works away lots

take care
xx

[troubledmummy]

thanks that means alot i have tried to get into college in a last ditch attempt to make myself get out there so hopefully that will work

[MrsMiggins]

well that sounds great going to college - potenial friends & new skills
good for you !

all I'm saying is that people always let you down and you need to trust in yourself

thats something I've learnt

what are you going to study at college?

[troubledmummy]

hopefully sports massage i know whta u mean everybody has let me down its just me and ddd that matter now if people want my trust they will have to earn it

[MrsMiggins]

well that sounds great
you dont need to be bitter BUT you can always trust yourself & so can DD.
that doesnt mean you cant trust others but if the last week has taught me anything, its trust yourself.

DH has been ahving an affair - found out last Sunday - been suspicious last 5 mths and now know I was right.
my gut feelign now says DH is trying & has finsihed affair but still soooo hard

before this happened, I took my 2 kids camping by myself & I now know we can manage just the 3 of us.
greatest feeling in the world going camping with them.....

[troubledmummy]

yeah i found my ex in bed with his new gf on xmas day of all days i couldnt handle it so moved and other things happened so had to leave the town but we have come so far since leaving dd is like a different child so happy all the time

[MrsMiggins]

there you are
thats your incentive - happy DD
you need to try to move on however hard & then you may even find someone new nice for you

keep at it girl
xx

[pesha]

Going to college sounds like great idea, i didnt have any friends when i moved here (still only have 2 really) but i went college and made good frind and thinking of going back again when ds starts playschool. And i know what you mean about not wanting people to feel sorry for you i really cant handle that, ive been on and off with ds's dad for last 2 years and still havent told my mum and family as i know they'd be all sympathetic and saying oh im so sorry for you which is nice really but i just cant handle it

[Chandra]

Troubledmummy, when I was 19 I split with a boyfriend (the first that I cared for TBH) and spent a couple of years "mourning" him and trying to figure out what on Earth I was thinking when I decided to end that relationship. Nobody was as handsome, intelligent, determined, tall , etc. as him). I saw him again a few years ago and it all came back to my memory (he is a person you really don't want near to you in a permanent basis). I think that "mourning" plays a bad trick in our memory and made us idealise somebody who maybe nice but not worth of our feelings.

I think that it's great you are going back to college, I'm sure soon you will have many other friends and being so busy with your new studies and a child, you hardly will have time to think of him. Honest.

[troubledmummy]

hi thank u sooo much for ur support i am trying hard to get on with my life and i felt like college was the best way to go at least i would be getting alot out of it and i was something for just me as dd is starting big school on 12th again thank u so so much

[troubledmummy]

hi just thougth id let u know that i got the college course i wanted so now i can make the big step towards moving on thank u again all so much for all ur advise and support it has made a difference

[CeeTee]

Good Job, Troubledmummy !