The one to keep? the one to let go?

[TheMotherOfAllDilemmas]

I have startes this thread in Lone parents but haven't go any reply. So I'm copying it to this topic, in the hope of getting some replies.

Thank you.

A couple of years ago I met a wonderful man, we have had a fantastic time, we have some very strong interests in common, we are great together but we are also very different and I'm afraid these things would end up making me bitter against him.

The differences are as follows:

I am very social and love to be surrounded by friends and family.
He is very shy, certainly he would avoid groups of people as much as he could.

We have very different styles of parenting, he is great with DS but he seems to think that a "good boy" is one who says please, thank you, turn the lights off and above all stays still for most of the time. He rewards quietness and stillness, and doesn't like children to take any kind of risks.
I agree about the politeness aspect but I celebrate the curiosity of my son and his willingness to try new things, sometimes I feel that new man's protectiveness is slowing DS up and also his son's.

I feel very strongly about healthy diets (out of medical problems)
He thinks that food is food and most of what he eats either comes from a tin or the supermarket freezer.

I don't know if he is poor or stingy, as he does freelance work and due to the recession, he is not getting much. He seems to think that as long as he gets enough to pay for basic things, things are ok.
I'm not in California, I also lost my job and was unemployed for most of the last year, but I have been trying very hard, and constantly, to find a job and have finally done it. I have plenty of debt but to be honest, I am exhausted of being extremely careful with money and I am doing my best to go back to the standard of living I had before I divorced. I have decided that I am the only one who will take me back there, but... many times I feel as if he is holding me back.

And finally, we live in different cities, neither of us wants to leave its own. No plans on the foreseeable future.

To his credit, he is kind, considerate, loyal and very very caring. He is absolutely lovely, makes me smile all the time, he is sensitive enough to appreciate small details and he seems to... adore me.

But, is reality stronger than dreams?

Hi - my gut feeling from reading what you've said is that he's not 'the one'.

The differences you mention are not small ones - your outlook on the big issues such as parenting, finances and how and who you spend your time with, are pretty important, and can lead to long term resentments if you're on opposite end of the scales (and it sounds as if you are?).

But most importantly, I really believe that when two people get together and believe they are right for each other, over and above anyone else, they do what they need to do to be together and make it work, because its that important to them. Two years down the line, you are still living in different cities and not getting any closer to living one life together. I think that speaks volumes.

So in answer to your opening q - I would say if you are happy with your long distant relationship, then go for it, if he's a nice guy its not doing you any harm. But if you're looking to take the next step and get serious with somebody, marriage, family the whole deal, I would think very carefully about if he is what you really want.

Thank MMF, you speak a lot of sense. I guess I had tried to see it in many different ways but it is, as you say, a long distant relationship.

And yes, although we were very serious about each other I think I have lost momentum and those differences are really bugging me as yes, I would like to be part of a family again and I can't see us working as a family.

I have been wondering about this for months, I was just checking before the dreaded "talk". It has just happened. I feel some relief but at the same time, I feel very very lonely.

Why the pressure to make a decision? Can you not stay as you are? Why not date him for a year or so?

By the way, what do you mean by "I'm not in California"?

I would use some advice that I was given on here a while ago.

My most recent ex was lovely in so many ways, adored me, wanted to take care of me, made me laugh etc etc. but there were a few things that made think we were incompatible.

The social thing was definitely one of them. I'm very outgoing and love to meet new people and he wasn't at all. He did sometimes suffer from panic attacks due to social anxiety and I did not have the energy to help him for a few reasons.

Anyway, cut a long story short, the advice I found useful was that when you meet the right person you just know and the flaws or problems that they may bring are not enough to make you really question them.

For me, I couldn't overlook the problems and see the positives as, I assume, I just didn't quite feel it enough. It was, to quote Robyn 'good enough to waste some time'.

Sounds like you have come to a decision, almost so I wish you well .

Ps. wrt to the social thing. Although he didn't have a problem about me going out, he wouldn't come out with me unless it was with his close friends.

I had visions of me going to family functions etc on my own for years to come and it just wasn't for me. I think the positives of breaking up with someone can lie in that you learn a lot more about what is important to you in a partner.