Help me stop being a people pleaser!

[maria1665]

I have many faults but this is the one I hate the most.

It manifests itself on so many completely mad ways:-

1. In small shops, I buy more than I actually want, just to cheer up the shop owner.

1. I say things that I know will cheer up the person who is listening, even if I don't believe them and even if I don't really know the person in question.

1. Especially re tradesmen, I will give answers that I know they are expecting to hear, even if it involves misdescribing the problem they need to fix.

1. I agree with people, even when inside I know I don't agree!

1. This is the worst one - before asking a favour of someone - no matter how small, nor how much I have done for them, nor how absolutely lovely the person is - I will weigh up whether they will say yes or no, or whether they will be in anyway put out by my request. I almost always conclude that its better not to ask.

I will be going back to work in the future, and I need to toughen up.

How do I stop?

I think you have to try to understan why are you doing it...

in my case was because I was trying to pretend to live my life in a way I thought I needed it to be
not as it was

it took me ages to get to that point and to stop playing up to people around me

being honest to myself first was a big step
thinking through my priorities took a lot time too

all the best in your journey - councelling may help
reading self help books with an open mind too :)

An assertiveness training course? I've often thought I should go on one of these myself.

Don't be too hard on yourself though. Many, many of us probably do at least some of the stuff you've described. The thing about the shop made me laugh because I know I've bought stuff in the past to avoid social embarrassment and it is mad!

Does your local authority run assertiveness training courses? Or does your employer? Sometimes the departments of extra-mural studies at unis do to.

I sympathise, I find it difficult, too. Once (on a work course) we had to suggest topics to answer 'open' questions on if pairs. I couldn't think of anything, and the course leader suggested 'why you can't say no to your mother'. I nearly ended up in tears, and she cut the session a bit short - but it was nearly lunchtime.

It makes me laugh now, but mm thought of going on an assertiveness course after mf died. She wanted to because 'it will make people do what I want'. Wish I'd encouraged her to go, the thought of the course leader putting her straight, hopefully in no uncertain terms makes me smile - she has both npd and bpd.

Also, there is a book called 'when I say no, I feel guilty', which you might find helpful.

Don't know that it will help, but someone once said that being assertive doesn't mean getting your own way, just being able to state what you want/need in a given situation. To me, that took some of the angst out, because it makes it a bit more neutral.

Hope you find something that helps.

I cannot imagine starting a post "I have many faults but this is the one I hate the most." unless I was taking the piss - which you are clearly not.

A confident person would say something like:
"I'm a pretty confident person, but occasionally I catch myself [doing this people pleasing stuff]"

YOU know what it is you are doing. Maybe you need to know why you are doing it before you cahnge it. Whatever it is, time to act if you are back to work soon. A course might help you, particularly if you can role play these situations. Also, do you have an understanding friend who could help you role play your way out of those situations as well?

Good luck

For me, although being a 'people pleaser' looks like a nice thing, it is actually part of me wanting to control things e.g. thinking that by my actions I can make other people happy (me being in control of their emotions - which is quite frankly ridiculous) and also about not wanting to make myself vulnerable e.g. only asking people for favours that I know they will do, so that they do not have an opportunity to reject me.

venusandmars - sounds familiar to me too :)

"it is actually part of me wanting to control things"

Ohhhh. Yes. I have often been accused of making everything my fault - which is another side of this I suppose. I am getting better but I still tend to things for a quiet life and hate confrontation.

Venus and Mars - I think you've got it. I never thought of it like that before, but it makes sense. Because this people pleasing trait is confined to certain scenarios - those where I feel ill at ease and therefore need to steer.

I am good at making people feel at ease, and bringing out the best in people - its part of my job. But I put this into overdrive, when I'm in a situation where I feel ill at ease myself.

Mmmmm. So far from being a sub servient trait - which is frankly at odds with other parts of my personality - its a control thing.

When I was growing up, both parents had addiction issues and things were chaotic to say the least. Hence the control thing, and also skills at talking people round. Maybe. Its food for thought anyway. Thanks.

Interesting about the control issue.

You've ignored the 4 people who took time to give you their opinion, which is offensive interesting in itself, and grabbed onto the one message that you feel sits in your current view of yourself.

So -

1. no intention to change really.

2. A fair bit of intellectual dishonesty ( though you are a "people pleaser" so fair enough)

And all back to square one.

The one thing I didn't add in my post is that many people can spot "people pleasers" like you and take avoiding action in advance unless they are shopkeepers & tradesmen who have nowhere to run!

I'll share the secret name that the rest of us give "people pleasers". We call them "insincere".

The reason I quickly commented on Venus' message was because it didn't fit in with my current view of myself. But it did switch a light bulb on. Hence the quick post between dinner and bed dealing with the message that struck a cord. No rudeness was intended.

I function well and assertively with those I know, and when I was working, with those I met professionally. No problem there.

Its the grey areas I describe in my original post that I really struggle with, which is at odds with the way I am the rest of the time.

And unfortunately, having had five years as a stay at home mum, two years of which have been spent with builders working on the home, the grey areas have tended to dominate.

The idea of trying to control those situations by avoiding confrontation before it even happens, starts to make sense of why I am like I am now, as opposed to how I was when I was going out to work. I thought I'd suffered a personality transformation during my career break. Looking at the mad things I've been doing in the different light suggested indicates that I am perhaps not so far away from what I was.

The addiction problems with your parents make it very likely that you're co-dependent, which is an addiction in itself (a behavioural one). It's born out of feeling responsible for your parents, who were incapable of being responsible for themselves, and using manipulation to give you some sense of order & free will during chaotic times. The behaviours are a rational enough choice for a child in those circumstances, but it's time to grow out of them now. Counselling can be a brilliant help for co-dependents ... it's mostly about self-respect and leaving others to run their own lives.

This is a useful book: Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"

I think I may have misfired with my post just now - though I still feel you'd recognise quite a bit of yourself in the book, and benefit from it. Are you really assertive? Refresh yourself with this lovely little primer :)

GraceAhead you may have just changes my life... That's exactly what I do & I need that book having read the description. It's such a powerful insight that very on the surface subservient behaviours are about control.

I grew up trying to please my mother through everything in order for our family to 'function', & my reality was so warped I don't think I truly know today what is actually happening or just being projected (gaslighting?). I would say black is White if I thought that's what my mother wanted to hear, to control & shape things to avoid conflict & horribleness. constantly confused about how to interpret everyday events as 'reality' was so changeable & I could never get a handle on how I could be to please her.

The OPs post reminds me of me, it's the grey areas where I catch myself trying to agree with someone elses reality, like agreeing with a doctors about symptoms even when they were wrong, because they seemed so keen to be right, or saying things I don't believe in order to please a stranger on a bus... Or being in an awful relationship where I sacrifice everything to please someone who will never be pleased

Am confused by catinthehat though, maybe am misunderstanding but that post feels a bit mean. I care deeply about what others think, so does this mean 'normal' people think I am insincere & can 'see through me'?

Maybe am projecting myself into the post too much, but it just struck such a chord (it is 3am I guess!)

Maria

As you can see, Grace has already posted some useful stuff on codependency to help you understand what it is and why some of us have this trait.

I have often made the mistake in being a "people pleaser" and agreeing with others, not speaking my true mind in fear of rejection. Reading a lot of the self help material combined with repeated bad experience has prompted me to change my attitude else I will never really grow into the strong woman that I envisaged myself to be. There are certain people who can spot people pleasers a mile off and you will actually attract the wrong sort of person who will manipulate you because of your compliance and put off others who are otherwise emotionally healthy.

I'm reading a book on "Boundaries" at the moment which is helping me establish how to be more assertive and take responsibility for my saying "no" to others when I mean it and not just saying yes to please them.

I've written lots already but I shall watch this thread with interest. If I think of something that will be useful to you then I shall post it.

Grace please could you post the link to the "boundaries" blog for the OP which I found it immensely helpful when I saw it a couple of months ago.

Aha, boogiewoogie, you mean the irritating blog Yes, he sets it out well!

Thank you both, boogiewoogie and AisieSusie, for saying what I want to hear Glad I've been able to help.

Two other links you might find useful:
Shari Schreiber - "needlove"
The Mood Gym: free, online CBT course.

oh i just saw this, a bit late!

can i just say - i was thinking about this today - because i also do this.

my question for maria would be: when you ask someone else a question would you rather (a) they answered honestly, or (b) said what they thought YOU wanted to hear? i'd rather they answered honestly. and so when i talk to people i will try to answer their questions honestly in turn.

honesty is underrated. it doesnt have to cause an argument if you have a different opinion to someone. for me, i really cant deal with conflict, so its good to realise that i can be honest without upsetting anyone

SFx