putting the past behind me

[wheelybird]

i need some advice.
my mum has always been very controlling and critical of me. she expects everything to be done how she does things and constantly nags me about housework, childcare etc.... i left home at 18 and met my ex when i was 20. for a couple of years he was lovely but then he became violent and would insist on the house being spotless all the time. he would deliberately make a mess then hit me if it was cleaned up. i was with him for 8 years until my ds was born and that newborn mum protective instinct finally gave me the confidence to leave him. after a few very hard years with little money or support i met my husband, who is wonderful. i now have 2 more children and should feel very happy but i can't get rid of the feeling that i need to keep the house tidy or i will be punished and with 3 dc, (dd3 is 12 weeks) i am struggling to keep up with the housework and it's tearing me apart. i just can't relax without constantly spotting things that need to be done. it feels like there is always a mess and i get very stressed and take it out on my husband and family. even when they leave toys out i get very agitated. it's beginning to make me very miserable and them too, and i'm sure the time will come when they won't want to be around me anymore. i feel like i'm turning into my controlling mother. but i can't let go of the fear of being punished for having a dirty house. i don't know what to do.
wheelyx

is this need something thats new or has it always been like that?
If it's new it could be PND and it may be an idea to talk to your doctor
If it's not new, i'd suggest councelling to help you deal with the root issue and to help you realise that you dont need to have a spotless home

It would be easy just to say relax and stop being so hard on yourself but i know that is easier said than done and the best option would be to deal with it in a more permanant way so that you can relax and enjoy your wonderful family

In the meantime (((hugs))) :)

Talk to the GP for sure. It's no good all of us telling you to relax if you can't (and with good reason).

Have you tried having an honest chat with your children and DH, explaining some of why you feel the way you do and asking them to help? AT an age appropriate level obviously (not newborn though you could try). Then perhaps if you get some help to deal with what makes you feel this way and they make an effort to help and make allowances for you, it will reduce some stress all round?

Or how about some practical help? Have you tried contacting an organisation like Homestart?

Hope you feel better...

On a positive note..you are aware of the problem and some if not all of the root of the proble. The next step is help..Sure DP/H would be horrified if he learned that you were carrying this all alone..a problem shared is halved and all that..

I have a friend who went through a similar experience and Hypnotherapy really seemed to work but I would make a call to a councellor or GP today because you do need the help.

thankyou.

i feel embarrassed talking about this. i know i was wrong to put up with violence but when you are told you are useless often enough you begin to believe it.

even after 8 years the only way i can feel not useless is to keep the house clean.

i think a chat with dh might be the way to start.

wheelyx

A chat with DH is definately a great place to start and please dont feel embarrassed about talking about it, it's good to get these things out

As for putting up with the violence, many of us have done it, at least you had the sense to get out, some dont
And i totally agree about when you are told something often enough you begin to believe it, i too have had that and 13yrs on it's still effecting me which is why i've decided to have councelling and think it may also be benificial to you

tc x

You recognise there is a problem forming.

Good. This is a very positive sign.

You just have to be super vigilant of yourself and tell yourself it is OK, that no-one is going to punish you.

Could you try Rescue Remedy when you notice your anxiety rising. It helped me with my traumatic agoraphobia.

You are amazing, you did the right thing and got out. It takes a lot of bravery, an awful lot of courage to do that. What you have is a hang-over from that time, with work from you, with time, it will become easier.