Paternity test

[Yika]

I'm 39 weeks pregnant. The father left me for someone else about a month ago.

He had already long insisted on a paternity test before agreeing to put his name on the birth certificate due to a rocky time we had around the month before and after conception, when I spent some (actually quite innocent) time with an ex who has remained a good friend.

I was shocked at first but then agreed. Now months have gone by and he has now gone abroad for a week and still has not ordered the test off the internet. (According to my doc, if the hospital were to do it at birth it would take about 6 weeks to get the results, which would be too late as you have to register the birth within 15 calendar days).

He says I should order (read 'pay for') the test in his absence, but I don't much feel like it because (a) I know very well who the father is - him and (b) I already feel depressed and humiliated about our whole situation.

Should I capitulate for the sake of the baby? I feel it's important for a child to have two parents, even if they don't live together, and to know its identity and origin. That is why I would like to have his name on the birth certificate. I also want her to know that she was wanted by both of us, which was the case when she was conceived. It's absolutely not about getting child support.

On the other hand I feel it's one humiliation too far. I've been very depressed in the last few weeks and I want to avoid any further stress around the time of the birth. So now I'm thinking maybe it would be better if I just register the birth myself with no father, just so that I can make the decision in advance (now) and therefore put my mind at rest.

What to do? Any experiences that you could share?

You can't force him to sign the birth certificate and in any case as I'm assuming he's not married to you would be better for you to not put him on the birth certificate.

Doesn't affect the CSA but does me he has less right over the child. Afaik.

He sounds like an absolute prick TBH and I think you are well shot of him. Congratulations on your pregnancy, I'm sure you will be a lovely mummy. :)

I can only tell you how I felt as someone whose parents split up before I was born. My grandmother insisted that her son (my father) put his name on my birth certificate and I have always been grateful that she did this even though my dad was a crap dad.

I don't think I would have liked a birth certificate with 'father unknown' but that is just me and maybe your daughter wouldn't be too fussed.

There may be other implications of having him on the birth certificate too but I don't have any experience of parental responsibility/access issues so will leave others more clued up on these things to advise on them.

Good luck with the birth and I really hope everything goes well for you. You've had a rotten time but there's loads to look forward to.

Going against what is said here - it depends on if you want him to have parental responsiblity - if he does you cannot take your child abroad etc without consent. You can still claim CSA but if his name is down he will have quite a lot of rights, I suggest you google this and think about if you want the father a few years down the line, deciding what you can do with your child. With what I know now, I would give him the least rights possible, not because I don't want him to see them, but because I found that once I had handed over ds1's passport so they could go on holiday...I had no right to get it back - untold stress, he refused to give it back and I could do nothing about it.

Good luck x

Yika at 36 weeks you should be concetrating on yourself and you about to be giving birth.
It is up to him if he wants to be on the birth cert. Tell him that then ignore him until you are ready to cope with him.
You are about to need all your strength mental physical and emotional for the weeks ahead with him .
Good luck!

You child will have 2 parents. It doesn't matter if he is named on the birth certificate or not.

As Slash has pointed out, naming him on the birth certifcate makes it a lot easier for him to be awkward and cause you stress.

Look at what is already happening before your child is already born.... Think very carefully before doing this.

Id refuse point blank , id let him dispute paternity with the csa , they,ll sort it out and i think he has to pay. About the birth certificate , i think id vote for NOT having him on it anyway , it doesnt sound like hes going to be very involved.

Hi, thanks a lot for your responses. I don't want him to pay, that's not the issue. As for taking him out of the country, I hope that wouldn't be an issue as the baby would have dual nationality and two passports, and I will certainly never hand over the UK one. But your answers are certainly making me realise that I should read up on the situation in Belgium, where we live.

In terms of my own well-being, I agree with the majority of you and would rather not have him on the birth certificate at this stage - but I'm just not sure whether that's better for the baby. CelticStarlight - very interesting to hear your experience as I strongly believe that children need to know who both their parents are, and be acknowledged by both parents if at all possible. I hate the thought of my daughter having no formal connection to her father, even if it's just a name on a bit of paper. i think I can handle him not being very involved (though he is with his three other children); but it's hard for me to countenance the idea of her not officially having a father at all (I guess I'm answering my own question here ).

Ironically enough he still wants to be there at the birth to see her born, which seems highly contradictory to me!!!! Somehow I feel he's just torturing me by not organising this bloody test, which he insisted on.

Well I'd tell him to cock off on that score at least. Being at the birth isn't some 'right' as a father- it's about whether you'll feel more relaxed and comfortable with him there.

Quite right!! I plan to. :)

don't let the prick be at the birth of your baby

that is a special privelige, not a right

he lost that privelige a long time ago

make sure the midwives/health staff etc are completely aware that if he rocks up, he is not allowed to enter

Hi Yika

I don?t normally post (serial lurker) but your OP made me decide to speak up because I have been in a slightly similar situation to yours. My now DH and I had actually split up when I found out I was PG with DS.

He completely freaked out and wasn?t very supportive at first. As a result, I decided DS was going to have my surname because I always wanted him to know that he had one parent who wouldn?t run at the first time of trouble.

All my friends and family were aghast at this and couldn?t understand why wouldn?t I automatically give my DC his father?s surname. I had to keep pointing out that I wasn?t responsible for another adult?s behaviour and that I would never make it hard for him to see our DC but would not be always badgering him to make contact.

By the time I had DS, DH and I had become friends again (we?ve known each other 10 years), but I was always very clear that I was not taking responsibility for him seeing DS. He could come any time he wanted and it turned out he wanted to come every day and was extremely helpful (although didn?t change nappies!!)

With registering the birth, I told DH the date and time and said he could be there or not, it was entirely up to him but either way DS would still have my surname. DH turned up of course because he loves his son, even if he only vaguely liked me. 6 months later, DH and I got back together and a year later (earlier this year) we got married. Again everyone assumed I?d change our names to DH?s. I wasn?t changing my name, DH didn?t want to hypenate my name with his, so we decided to leave things as they were. I?m going to have DC2 early next year and DH and I have agreed that DC2 will also have my surname but both DCs will be given his surname as a middle name.

I don?t know what sort of relationship you have with your Ex?s family, but even if DH and I hadn?t got back together and wasn?t on the birth certificate, I know that his parents and his siblings would have been in DS?s life. They are all lovely people and DS would have always known where he was from.

I?m not necessarily qualified to give advice, but seeing as this is so stressful for you, can I suggest that you maybe ignore the paternity test thing as it?s not for your or your DC?s immediate benefit? Tell him to go jump about being there at the birth (I didn?t want DH at DS?s birth because our relationship was nowhere near that close).

Then give him the details of when and where you are registering the birth and leave it up to him to decide whether he turns up. If he doesn?t you could maybe use his surname as one of your DC?s middle names, so that in years to come you can always tell your DC that you acknowledged who his/her father is that way. I think this may help you feel not only more in control of the situation, but also stop you worrying that you?re not honouring part of who your DC is.

To be honest, I?m not sure how much difference having his name on the birth certificate will mean to your DC in real terms ? ie having a father who is there when he needs him and loves him unconditionally.

Sorry for the epic post, and congratulations on being pregnant! And I hope you find a solution that?s right for you and your DC that isn?t dictated by whether your ex decides to do the decent thing or not.

I think for a child to be born with no father named on the birth certificate is so sad.

This is about what is best for your daughter, not you (or him).

Sadly, many parents often confuse their own interests with that of their child.

God I am so torn. @BarmyArmy, yes this is my instinct. Yet I am very interested to hear enuffalready's experience.

Trouble is, I simply can't know whether or not how much it will matter to my DD to have her dad's name on the birth certificate. I will certainly always tell her who he is and I will not prevent her from seeing him.

It's an excellent idea to give his surname as a middle name. It's actually not allowed here (Belgium) - any middle names must be given names, not surnames - but I do know of some people who've forced the issue. Hm...

I'm very glad your story had a happy ending!

PS @enuff: XP doesn't have much family - he is an only child, estranged from both his parents (one abandoned him, the other was not very interested in him) who where both only children themselves, so no aunts, uncles or couusins. All he has is his 3 other children who he has an OK but not fantastic relationship with; so unfortunately I don't think there's much possibility for my baby to get involved in his wider family life.

Also agree that you giving birth is not a spectator sport.
You need to concentrate 100% on yourself during this process and not have to be worrying about him in the room.

Good luck