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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I expecting too much?

8 replies

fedupandneedaholiday · 13/09/2010 21:31

My birthday is next week and my DH is working that evening (and I'm working during the day). He could book that evening off (or could have; he has to give a couple of weeks' notice). He hasn't mentioned taking the night off and I know he hasn't forgotten about my BD as we've talked about presents. I also doubt that he's planning a surprise as he's just not that type (and he'd have to arrange babysitting which I normally do). I should mention that our relationshp hasn't been strong lately; we argue/bicker quite a lot and he's often either withdrawn or irritated. The thing is that the day after my birthday he's going out with a mate in the evening so we wouldn't be able to celebrate then either (and he will be working the night before my birthday).

Anyway, if (as I suspect) he hasn't booked the night off, would I be unreasonable to be pretty upset with him? Would it be a sign that our relationship is in a bad state? Or am I just being a complete narcissist and making too much fuss about something that's not that important?

OP posts:
quiddity · 13/09/2010 21:35

What do you normally do on your/his birthday?
Is it up to the other one to arrange it?
Does he know how you are feeling and what you expect/would like?
The answer depends on all those things...

fedupandneedaholiday · 13/09/2010 21:45

Well, we always go out for dinner or something similar and it's usually the one whose birthday it isn't who takes the initiative. We've never not celebrated birthdays before.

OP posts:
quiddity · 13/09/2010 22:08

Well in that case, I have to say if it were me I'd be pretty upset if he didn't put anything in place.
But if it's not supposed to be a surprise, can't you let him know what you would like? If it were me I'd be disappointed if he hadn't remembered and I had to remind him, but that would be better than waiting till the actual day and being far more disappointed at getting no present and no evening out.

BEAUTlFUL · 14/09/2010 08:56

I think (even though it's agony!) that you have to trust that he will do something nice for you on your birthday. It hasn't happened yet. Trust he won't let you down. Trust. The fact you're worrying now shows you've lost faith in him and have gone a bit controlling.

And if your birthday comes and he doesn't do a thing, go nuclear then.

fedupandneedaholiday · 14/09/2010 10:50

Beautiful, I think you're right that I have lost faith in him. He didn't get me a card or anything for our last anniversary (I got him one and paid for dinner that night). I just feel our relationship has got to the point where he doesn't think it's worth making an effort for me anymore and it makes me sad.

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 14/09/2010 17:09

Well don't get all maudlin about it in advance! Wait till 12pm on the night of your birthday and, if he hasn't done anything by then, you have every right to get upset. But getting upset/predicting misery isn't much good, is it? You could be having a lovely afternoon instead.

Go and put some make-up on, change into a nice outfit, and be CHEERFUL and POSITIVE and UPBEAT when he comes home tonight. Resist the temptation to talk about anything except HAPPY stuff, on lightweight topics.

Just be light & breezy till your birthday. don't go hunting-down disappointment.

Lauriefairycake · 14/09/2010 17:16

He has not organised anything.

Do not wait til you are disappointed. Be really upfront and state what you want. If you want to go out for dinner then say so.

Say you want to use the evening to enjoy each other as you have been bickering recently.

sixpercenttruejedi · 14/09/2010 18:39

I would go with Beautiful's suggestion. Wait, and have a bit of faith. You never know....

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