Needing space from in-laws

[chesterincourt]

(namechanged for this post) Before I start, I know that some of what I'm about to moan about will upset/annoy anyone whose parents/in-laws play no part in their family - so apologies in advance for that - I know this might sound very mean.

Have just finished birthday celebrations for our 7-yr-old. The in-laws have come to stay with us for every birthday she's ever had - they usually come down for at least three days. This time it's been four days (we have quite a small house).

Now when daughter was a baby they were a real help (actually a godsend) with party food/prep stuff, which I was very grateful for. But now she's older, there's no need for any extra help and to be honest, it's starting to put a bit of a dampener on the birthday weekend, knowing that the in-laws will be here for all of it, they won't go out and do anything off their own bat and that we can't do any birthday stuff just with dc, dh and me.

Daughter is starting to show resistance to the idea of them being down (she plays up massively and when I asked her what was wrong last night, she said she just wanted some time with us alone) and I'm wondering if there's any kind/polite/inoffensive way of getting out of this family 'tradition' that they spend her birthday weekend with us so that we don't have to do this next year.

Any positive suggestions very, very gratefully received!

Why not do a sleepover next year and tell your inlaws that there isnt enough room for them to come.

Although I know this is a tricky situation, you are quite lucky to have helpful inlaws. They probably dont even realise that you feel the way you do.

Let them come for a couple of days but have something booked ie holiday theme park or something your DD would like. Tell them this is something that she has decided on as she will be older next year and able to make her own decision on what she wants to do on her birthday. Let your dd know in advance so that she is so excited that she will tell them everytime she sees them so that they will get the message.

Can you afford to put them in a bed and breakfast nearby when they visit so they get to see you but not 24/7?

JaxTellersOldLady - you're quite right. I know they mean nothing but well, which is why I feel so mean asking about this...

Sleepover/theme park visit defo sounds like an interesting way to go.

If they have been that helpful in the past, it sounds like they are maybe reasonable people? So maybe have an honest chat with them. Let them know that DD is getting more independent about her birthday now she's older and wants to celebrate it more with friends than family especially now that she's getting invited to the different parties etc. that her friends have. Perhaps agree they come and see her the weekend before/after her birthday for a family celebration, but that she wants to keep her birthday weekend free for more friend-related stuff.

It will have to stop at some point - can't imagine a 16 year old being keen on her whole birthday weekend being taken over by grandparental visit! - so you might as well just be honest about it being a natural progression.

Megonthemoon - sadly they're not that reasonable and are very quick to take offence, which is why I'm allowing for a 12 month campaign to get this sorted in time for next year! Have been thinking about the theme park idea as well and know that they'll say something along the lines of 'not to worry - we'll come down anyway, you go to the park as planned and we'll just wait for you to come home'.

Ah, shame. I think maybe you might just have to be very firm then that you want to keep that weekend free for friend related things but that you're happy for them to come the weekend before/after for a family celebration (assuming you are!) And definitely get DH to tell them as they're not your parents so you shouldn't have to have the difficult conversations!

Re: difficult conversations - if only it were that easy! I'm not sure how I got into the position of being first point of communication between our family and in-laws (but suspect it was cunning manoeuvering on part of dh)

Then I suggest it's time your DH stood up and helped with the communication, they're his parents after all.

chester

Your DH is going to have to bite the bullet and talk directly to his parents. You and he must also present a united front to these people and stand firm.

You are not being mean to not have them over on your DDs birthday for 4 days. Your DD is also becoming fed up with them as well!.

If they do indeed mean "nothing but well" they would not be so quick to take offense and would be more reasonable anyway. My guess too is either one or both of them are quite domineering anyway and that is is "their" way or "no" way.

How about saying thst dd has asked go to somewhere like centre parcs for her next birthday? Then you could invite them for a weekend either before or after, as someone else has suggested.

Can't you pick either the weekend before or after for the grandparents visit and then have a special one with your daughter, I would also go with the center parcs suggestion.
You could also tell the grandparents that you are planning a surprise weekend away and tell them the weekend that they can come to have another party, but just the weekend.
Tell your daughter she's very lucky she will have 2 birthday weekends!!

Can't you have them for a short stay the weekend before or after? Just say you have plans and won't be around. They can come the following weekend.

Habits and patterns are hard to break. Also you dh should be tackling them.

Agree get husband to talk to them. I think alot of women have more problems with their inlaws than they need to have because they tackle them on difficult issues rather than making their husbands do it.
I agree that as she is getting older the end of extended family birthdays is natural and would get your husband to put that to them and suggest they came a different "weekend".
There is no reason this should cause offence. If it does it's them not you and I wouldn't worry about it.
I think any regular arrangement re birthdays/ xmases, weekend visits etc are best avoided with relatives unless you want to be following the same pattern for the rest of your life.

Thanks for all the ideas. Have to say it's not the first time we've had problems with regular family arrangements. The school nativity play was another one it took ages to break and required someone else visiting that weekend and using the spare room (as per some suggestions here). Ah hindsight - a wonderful thing!

My kids only had 2 nativity plays each thankfully. Only 1 parent could make it due to work.

Oh heavens-your poor daughter!

Has she never had a party of just friends?

Can these people not remember that their children´s parties didn´t consist of just parents & GPs?

I agree with them coming the weekend before/after.

Tell them she is doing something with friends.

The inlaws are maybe Archers fans. I'm always amazed that none of the kids in the Archers have friends only parties. They always have extended family dos involving all the cast members, and definitely grandparents (but only if the grandparent is an Archer)!