Feeling down, want to leave

[constantlytired]

Bit of Background...I've been married to DH for 11 years, it was our anniversary yesterday. We have 2 kids, DD5 and DS2. Recently, we haven't been getting along, and i truly don't know what to do. Since the DC arrived, we have been remiss at spending time ourselves to the point where now, when we do go out (usually birthdays or anniversaries), we spend most of it talking about kids as not much else to chat about. He is a very good dad, but as a husband, he can at times be the most thoughtless person. Not in a bad way, just doesn't think which over the years has chipped away bit by bit. He is not romantic in anyway and i am now at stage where i am feeling very very down and dont know what to do. I am 35 and feel a lot older. I yearn for a bit of excitement or to feel special and i dread another 11 years feeling the same monotony / sadness as i do now. I have also sufferered from depression in the past, and i don't know if i feel depressed now because of this situation or if i'm depressed and this is causing this situation IYSWIM. I have totally regressed into myself , not talking for weeks unless i have to, and not once has he asked me what was wrong. I couldn't bring myself to celebrate yesterday, asked him to cancel any arrangements he may have made (don't know if he had made arrangement, but thought i'd make sure anyway). Still he carries on as if nothing is wrong. Part of me wants to leave, the other bigger part knows i couldn't as i wouldn't do that to the kids....What should i do?

Not sure if I can help at all but I feel for you, and I'm sure lots of people would recognise themselves at least a little in the situation you're describing. It really sounds as if you'd like to improve your relationship with your DH so why don't you take just one small step towards doing that, as soon as possible. Say something honest to him about how you're feeling. It's scarily easy to lapse into non-communication which can be really damaging long term. You're blaming him for not asking you what's wrong, but if he fears you saying how unhappy you are, he might be too frightened to do so. Also sounds like you perhaps need to get help (counselling of some sort?) on your own, if you can.

Sorry for the pop psychology and I wish there was something more useful I could say, but I think you need to take some positive action soon.

hi
i am sorry you are going through this and it is very easy to retreat into your own shell/go into denial rather than face the pain. it sounds very unhappy for you both. i was like you i couldnt see a way out. been with h 13 yrs, only 1 ds nearly 3. seperated now 15 months. it is bloody hard, no decisions have been made now regarding divorce. but although there is no good time for divorce, your children are young and will adjust, if you can do this with some dignity. how about trial seperation. you need to feel a bit better in yourself. have you tried relate? 2 happier seperated parents are better than unhappy ones that are stayign together for sake of kids. you kids wont thank you for that and you only get once chance at life and you have to fight for your happiness.

You need to find out why you are depressed now, as in, is it to do with the marraige or chemical depression separate from dh.

It sounds like a depressing situation but in all honesty, I can't see your dh being the sole cause of this. It takes two to make a relationship work, and if you are withdrawing into yourself and not talking, how can he know what to do?

After 11 years and two kids, I do understand excitement is thin on the ground. But that can be worked on, if you both want it.

Have you spoken to your GP?
You say dh carries on as if nothing is wrong, but he may just be at a loss as to what to do. Men are notoriously bad at mind reading us. Try talking to him, he might surprise you and understand or feel the same.

hi constantlytired - i am very sorry to hear. Lots of good advice above. Also, was thinking that it might be a good idea to do some sport/exercise/gym/classes/walks/runs together. Should help with the bonding but also the endorphins will be good for your mood.

Best wishes

Hi...thanks for some good advice...TdaDa, i did actually take up running last year, thought it may help. This is one of the problems in fact, i trained really hard all year, then entered a 10K last week, running it for a well deserved charity. DD said she would be waiting at the line for me with a banana and lucozade for energy so i was really chuffed that she seemed proud of her mum. I asked DH what time he would be arriving at the finish line, and apparently it hadn't crossed his mind that he or kids should be there, he was planning on staying in house. Made me feel worse, cos DD of 5 'got it' and he didn't

OH dear, he does need a kick up the bum....you need to talk to him. Congrats on the run! Can you get him to train as well?

Thanks TDaDa ...unfortunately, an old knee injury prevents him from running, plus i have to admit, getting away from things for an hour to just run by myself with my headphones on makes me feel better. i'll keep running though, see if that helps with feeling down.

yes, please keep the endorphins up by running faster and further with targets. There is a very nice looking half marathon in the LOndon parks in October but think that you missed the deadline. There are regular halfs around london as you know.

Can DH swim?

He can, but he doesn't seem to find time to do anything like that....he's good with the kids in the house and stuff, i'd just like to see him do more entertaining stuff with them, like maybe take them swimming or suchlike. Maybe i'm just picking now...