Advice needed from anybody who has separated

[wisewords]

DH and I have come to the decision that we will separate after 17 years together and 4 years of marriage. It is amicable - noone else involved, and no single reason, but lots of things that have mounted up. Ultimately the final decision was with me although dh accepts our problems and feels that we need to move on separately, but was more willing to plough on that I was.

I feel guilty, sad, tired and very lonely. We have a 9 year old daughter and have yet to tell her or anybody in our families. We own a house together but can support ourselves as we both work and earn similiar amounts. The practical side of things at the moment seem insurmountable. I feel I should consider renting until the house is sold (dc would spend time with both me and her dad). We have a good amount of equity in the house, which would give us both deposits for new houses. DH is not insisting that I rent, and says that he feels we could both continue to live under one roof as we are getting on okay, but I feel if this went on for months, it wouldn't be healthy for any of us.

The thought of telling everyone around us fills me with dread. I feel so sad for my dh, although he is coping really well and is very level headed and balanced. We get on so well as friends and I love him as a friend so that is a positive. I know that there are many positives in this situation even though it is so sad and that we'll all come out of the other side. Its just now, when we're in limbo that is so awful. I know there is no magic wand that can be waved, but just wondered if anybody had any advice, both practically and emotionally for getting through such a horrendous time.

Bumping for you :)

My husband and I are separated and our situation sounds similar to yours except that we have a son, 6. We lived together for about two years after we decided to separate! It's a long story as to why it went on that long and some people thought we were crazy, but we did get along ok and it was the best thing for our son at the time.

We have our own houses now and everything is so much better. I just wanted to post to say hang in there. You made the decision to separate for a reason. If you're like us, it wasn't any easy or flippant decision. Now you need to weather the months ahead, but with the knowledge that it will get better.

Not too much advice as each situation is so different, but take it in bite size chunks. Not everything needs to be sorted straight away. Manage everything at a pace that is comfortable for you, your DH and your DD. I suppose the one 'perk' of our type of separation is that there is no real rush to split - there's no abuse, no other person waiting in the wings. It means things can be done with finesse.

My ex-H and I get on so much better now - we are genuine friends and good parents to our son.

Thanks rogerfed

I don't think we could live under the same roof for that long although am full of admiration that you managed it!

We are getting on well as friends, and in some ways,this makes it harder to actually announce, and then decide who will live where. Its almost like we don't want to rock the boat, even though the decision has been made.

We are hoping that when all is said and done, we too will be good friends, its just all the practical stuff we need to overcome.

Wisewords, please don't think I'm saying this to wind you up, but given that there's no-one else involved, is there no chance it can work? You sound as though you get on really well and want what's best for each other.

It is hard out there on your own - I, now, would do anything to have someone by my side.

Our decision to split does come after months of talking. I understand what you are saying, and this is something I have grappled with. Because we are good friends and parents, these are good foundations to keep a relationship going.

However, there is absolutely no sexual chemistry between dh and me (on my part), we have both changed very much in terms of what we want from life/how we view life and we're both not prepared for second best, or, for living permanently with a gulf between us. My worry is that if we carried on, we would begin to resent one another and that would be an even harder situation to sort out.

Hi WW
It sounds from what you are posting that the push to split up is coming more from you than from him. If he is like my DH he would be quite happy to stay with you ignoring your lack of feeling for him and having indifferent sex. Also as SGB often says it is convenient for him to have a domestic appliance functioning for him.
The only impetus to split would be if he met someone else and wanted to pursue a fuller relationship with them.
For you it is less tolerable. You know you are less than happy. Have you honestly done all you can to retrieve things? I spent a whole year at counselling by myself and did 6 months of Relate before I finally took the decision.

When I did decide to move out it was like a door suddenly fell open. One morning I went into a letting agent, three days later I was making a cup of tea in an unfurnished house and feeling indescribably lighter and free.
Start making a plan. Have you got separate finances yet? Have you saved any escape money? Tell your best friends one by one. This will validate what you feel and make it real. It will gather momentum and suddenly the whole process will become manageable.

I have been in my house six days and am still working out how often to see the (older) DC etc. I am about quarter of a mile from our home so they can pop in easily. I am sleeping on a mattress on the floor but have acquired table and chairs, TV and sofa, crockery etc very easily. DH is very upset but working to show how well they can all manage without me.
Guilt - yes, selfishness - possibly, relief - indescribable! I miss my home and belongings but there is more to life than material things.
Good luck

You are right, the push is coming more from me, although dh accepts there are problems. He's not ignoring my lack of feeling, in fact, he's acutely aware of it.
I have had counselling sessions; we only had one session together, but this just seemed to highlight our differences.

It is such a difficult situation. My gut feeling is that we need to part; I simply do not love him as I should love a husband, but do care deeply about him and love him as a friend and my child's father.

A part of me knows that I do not have to jump into anything, in fact, a good friend has said, if its not that bad, don't do anything, just bide your time and see what happens. However, both he and I feel this is prolonging the 'torture', and dh has asked me to not prolong it, if I know its going to happen. It just feels so final, so cruel and I know he will be devastated. My hurt is coming from the hurt I am causing him.