OK, sister issues, there's nothing I can really DO, is there?

[ThatDamnDog]

Haven't really posted about this before because it's a bit pointless, but I think after recent events I'm approaching beyond caring so wondered if anyone has any bright ideas.

She's 25, very smart, bubbly, passionate, outgoing, the youngest of three. The sort of person who, when she eventually works out what she wants to do with her life, could go very far. She's flitted around in her life but spent the last 3 or 4 years with a lovely guy, who was a bit of a doormat at times but supported her through some bad times (eg bipolar episodes, self-harm, she actually hit him at times too). His main flaw was financial fecklessness and they've now split up although she took out a loan to help him and has to start repaying it in a couple of months.

Around the time they split (her instigation) she packed in her (very well paid) job and decided to go into preschool education. She did one day and hated it. She got a temporary job back with the original company, then decided to move home with my parents for the summer, which she did, for one day, then went back to the city and moved in with my other sister. Got another (again very good, well paid and exciting) job, lasted one day. Didn't go back but had no money and put strain on my sister by being unable to contribute to living costs. Borrowed money from my parents. Started bringing home crowds of random strangers against other sister's wishes, drinking loads and started smoking (seriously, who does that at 25?), after borrowing money from parents for subsistence. Eventually got original good job back again (are they mad? It seems so!). Other sister in the meantime finally got long-awaited transfer to another city and moved in with boyfriend, leaving youngest sis in flat but lease still in her name.

Latest thing is she's now suddenly best buddies with a young girl (around 19 I think) and decided to move with this girl to another city which she doesn't know, so is chucking original job for a third time and says she's offski to get a flat and a job in a hotel, thus abandoning other sister with lease arrangements and possibly rent. No jobs to be had in this city, I know this, and living and travel costs will be much greater. Also likelihood of young new flatmate hacking it for any period of time are slim. Parents having to fund much of this (despite her being able to just drop the well-paid job - seems there's no way on earth she could actually stick it out for a couple of months and save).

I am beyond despair. Because of previous MH issues parents are scared to turn off the financial taps (mum convinced is headed for life of crime and drugs). Sensible sis and I believe ceasing any funding is only way of making her face up to life. Told her the other night I thought she needed to stop plastering her life and times all over FB (really, the level of personal stuff she puts up is terrifying and she's on there night and day, obsessively) for her own sake cos it makes her look like a nut and her friends are starting to comment ... or not, in some cases ... so she ditched me as a friend "to save me worrying".

Is there anything I can do or is she just going to have to learn from her mistakes? Feel sorry for my poor parents, although they've created a lot of the problem IMO, but sure mum's going to get an ulcer. They're by no means flush and mum in particular works extremely hard and doesn't need this.

Gah!

Are you sure that she's not part way through some epsisode? It does sound very extreme behaviour if she isn't?

Is there a mental health professional that she can contact? Whats her diagnosis? She sounds bipolar but i could be wrong. She prob does need help.

Oh sorry- you did say bipolar. Mabe encourage her to see someone.

Definitely sounds like an episode.

On the smoking front, I started when I was 29, in quite a stressful job, surviving on little sleep and got depressed.

She might well be CarGirl. A month ago she phoned me at 5am in tears because some horror of a bloke she'd been shagging but had finished with had turned up at her house where she was having a drinking sesh (seemingly with all of his friends "but they're my friends too, now" - after 3 weeks ) and started trying to touch her in front of them, and most of them sided with him when she kicked off. Then the other night she updated her status to say this has been the best year of her life! Her entire life is an episode. A manic one.

When she's down (which is often) she always assumes she's depressed. Mostly it's because her life's shit - and it's normal to be down when you're penniless, unemployed and have no genuine friends, right? But the doctor then sticks her on Prozac which makes her a million times worse. And try to get a bipolar type to see a doctor because they're happy ... good luck to you.

She hasn't been diagnosed but we know that she's BPD. Not a scrap of doubt in my mind.

The thing is, she's seen counsellors etc before, but there's no way of making her stick it out. Anyone telling her anything she doesn't like, she'll have nothing to do with. And if she has a good day she'll decide she doesn't need counselling. To her, a friend is someone who says yes to everything and validates everything she does. So she listens to nobody.

I hope you don't think this is rude but I think you are seriously underestimating the state of her mental health.

She sounds like she isn't in a good place at all and it is probably not a matter of having to 'learn from her mistakes'. You say you are almost 'beyond caring' but this seems rather unfair when she might not be at all mentally well and I think if this is the case then your expectations of how she should be living and her lifestyle/behaviour are not at all realistic and probably not sensible.

Your mother seems to have a better understanding and may well be temporarily/in the best way she knows how stopping your sister having even more problems, but perhaps your family needs to try and get her/persuade your sister to accept more help.

It must seem hard when family resources seem to be going to one sister who seems like she is just taking advantage... but this mustn't overshadow the fact that she might not be able to help this.

Really the best thing your Mum & Dad can do is offer her financial help on the insistance that she goes back and lives with them. Other than that it's wait until she does something so crazy that you can get her sectioned and therefore diagnosed

No, not rude at all. To be honest, this is so different to what we've had before that I guess I hadn't given proper consideration to her mental state. Which sounds ridiculous, when I reread my OP, I know, but like the rest of the family I'm ground down by her. She's just utterly self-centred and so hard to like, and we've never been terribly good at seeing eye to eye anyway. I guess I've gone direct to angry and bypassed the rest.

A huge issue is her personality - she's never short of people to fulfil the role of validator, because people like her.

This is worse than I thought, I see that now.

Well it's good that at least you can see it now which is a start to encouraging your parents to try and do something to help her .

It's a nightmare when people have MH that they refuse to recognise.

I guess we're back to the mess we were in a couple of years ago. That sorted itself out rather than any external factor helping - so I've no idea what we can do. Doctors all useless. I'm due a baby sort of imminently but once it's out maybe I can find someone who can DO something for her. At least before her boyfriend was there to try and prod her in the right direction, even if he was phoning my mum in tears sometimes. :(

eek didn't mean to put something in bold - did stars as I really have no idea what your parents can do to help , try contacting the cpn team and talk to them about your concerns and ask how you can get her a proper assessment?

One of my oldest friends is mt age, 40. Last year her abusive husband died suddenly and she found out subsequently that he lived a Walter Mitty type life. For example, lied about age, family and said he was an assasin for the CIA (I know).

She has been all over the shop for a year but is now slipping into a period of mania and I too believe she is bipolar. The reason I'm telling you this is because there are similarities. She is getting married next week to a guy she met down the pub a month ago, she was arrested on Monday for biting a barman, She's posting on FB that she has magical powers and is starting her own religous sect. She has accused her employers of sexual harrassment and wants to sue American Airlines. This has all happened this week.

Bipolar is a serious condition. Your sister may well need sectioning I'm afraid. I would suggest speaking to her GP about your concerns. Giving her money and trying to understand or reason with her will not help at all.

Sorry, but my background is in mental health and there is really so little you can do.

Thanks Queen. I don't think we have a way of finding out who her GP is - and she's obviously planning a move soon. I'm thinking I could see one of my own doctors here maybe - would there be anything they could do? If she has a downer that's our opportunity because she'll see a doctor for depression - but that doctor has to be made to see that it's NOT depression. So far the medics either don't consider bipolar to be a differential or don't care enough to do anything more than sign another script.

I've 'phoned my bil's GP about his mental health in the past, and they handled it discreetly and well. Sometimes the GP doesn't act because they're not hearing the whole story. I tell you that because I suspect if you do get over the first hurdle of finding out who her GP is, you'll probably be like me, and worry about confidentiality issues, and duty and ethics and stuff.

I've also had a friend who has BPD. She has been "up and down" for a long time, and (unlike your sister) had a diagnosis and treatment too. Still, she had a bad episode a while back, and was sectioned. It was difficult. She'd 'phone from the hospital, very cross about being there, and it was hard. I worried she'd hate us all when she came out. But that didn't happen; when she was steadier, she understood why we (and it was "we" - which made things a lot easier) insisted she stayed in the hospital.

I tell you that because I suspect your sister may resist help, but I want to reassure you that that is connected to the lack of clarity, and did resolve itself in the case of my friend.

There's (obviously) more to say, but it's already an essay. I hesitate to say this, because she's your sister, but do make sure you balance all the caring in your life. If you have a baby on the way, and have other commitments, make sure you don't get too stressed, or try to take on too much. It's a long-term thing. I've known my friend over 10 years now, and bil longer (though he's not BP; other MH stuff), and it is just a long path. Don;t expect solutions, or "endings", or you're probably in for burn-out, and disappointment, and those aren't happy or useful emotions.

Good luck.

OK. She's at my mum's tonight so I've texted mum just to say that maybe it's too late to be worrying about her having an episode - if she already is. Might get a chance to talk to mum properly tomorrow night. She's got more chance of finding out about doctors than I do - although how to get her into the surgery I haven't a clue.

Thanks all for the advice (and the reality check). Any other thoughts welcomed - there's no obvious natural course of action.

Just wanted to thank you all for your help. I've managed to get an email passed to her GP practice so hopefully a note of my concerns will find its way into her record. Her heart's set on a move but my other sister's going to be in a position to keep fairly close tabs on her once she's gone. Here's hoping she copes.