i really, really dont like my mum.

[TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle]

ok, i know im being unreasonable. my mum and i have had a very uneasy relationship for as long as i can remember. my stepdad was very abusive to me when i was a child and i left home at 14 to get away. ive never felt like i belong to "their family" when dh and i got engaged she didnt congratulate us. she didnt help us with the wedding plans, just showed up on the day and took over all the photo's etc. when i was pg with ds she couldnt care less, but now he's here she fawns all over him. she lied to me about her mum being dead and has never worked a day in her life, neither she or my strepdad have, but bitch about dh being out of work.

she always witters on about my db's and my sil. how great they are. how they will soon be filling the house with lovely bouncy babies. she refuses to acknowledge my anorexic history and when i was talking to DA about it interupted us to show me her crochet. she is hugely overweight and tell me that i am getting chubby (size8-10)

one of the most irritating things about her is competative illness. she has told me that my mc's aren't as bad as her bleeding when she was pg with db1. she also has fybromyalgia and has embraced it. she doesnt exercise/eat well instead just sits in her wheelchair (she can walk) and is surprised when she gets out of breath. i have just spoken to her and said that dh gave me a lie in this morning. she made a sarky comment about me being lazy (not a joke) and i said that i had a bad night with my teitze's. to which she replied that she had a bad night too. cue a 20 min monologue about how ill she is. then a 10 min monologue about sil and db's. then a comment about how it was lucky my cooker is broken because i cant cook (again, not a joke).

Im sick of her. but dont want to cut her out. i didnt meet my dad til i was 16 and until 2y ago thought her mum had died when my mum was 15. i think its important to know your family, but enoughs enough. yet, im too scared to stand up to either of them. i feel like the 12 year old i was again.

any advice?

No advice just some moral support and unmumsnet hugs!

Seriously distance yourself massively, she will treat your dc no better than she treated you. Once your db has children she probably won't be interested anymore .

Honestly she seems a very unhealthy person mentally and she will continue to hurt you.

i am much stricter aboout the amount of time we spend with them. i wont let them look after ds anymore and have purposefully not invited them over for xmas (last year they cancelled boxing day - which has been the day we visit for the last 11y - to have db's then gf's family over for a nice "family meal" on the 22nd dec) i just dont know what to do. ds loves them, but i know that they will forget about him as soon as db and sil start a family.

I was just gradually withdraw your ds will be better off for it in the long run

that sounds sensible.

The best revenge is being happy tbh

i know. half of me feels guilty for feeling this way about her, part of me is terrified that ds will feel the same way about me, and part of me would be happy to never see her again!

Perhaps you should pursue getting some more counselling whilst you come to terms with the past and current situation. Please realise it's her who is unkind, cruel and downright nasty to you - not you being unreasonable. If you can't handle the way she is towards you for your own sanity back off whether than be long or short term. You don't have to cut ties or have a show down.

ive had quite a lot of counselling for my anorexia and my mum is a huge issue.

I dislike my mother, too. Really dislike her. I spent years explaining away things she'd done as 'just mum' and I too was quite desperate to keep that family feeling. When ds was born I got very mawkish about 'family' but the past couple of years with her have been SO difficult that I am now of the opinion that I wish I hadn't bothered. We have gained nothing and given her very little from pretending to be a family.
I decided this year that I wouldn't even try to keep up with her side of the family, eg her mother who has shown no interest in us since we were children (she waits in state to be visited, has never rung, likes news of ds so she can talk about her great grandchild as an achievement, you get the idea).
I seriously wish I'd cut her off when she abused me once when I was 21. I wanted to but I held back. Life would have been simpler if I had.

uneprune, that sounds really familliar. its all about appearances and ive never quite lived up to her expectations, yet i keep trying to impress her like a rather pathetic puppy.

Sorry my post was just a rant about my circs, I meant to say, she sounds awful and really, life is short, isn't it?
There are so many amazing people in the world. Why let one shithead dominate and take time away from them? I don't say that lightly. It's not like stopping seeing a friend because she's a bit chippy. Your mother has done a number on your sense of self and will carry on doing it - is it worth it?

I was very lucky in that dh's family are amazing in lots of ways and also have given me a better understanding of family and loyalty - it was totally missing for me, which now in my late 30s I find very sad. I have missed out on years of the 'good thing' that people can have because I assumed I didn't 'do family' and that all it could be was combative and oppressive.

Another reason I'm distancing myself from my mother is that she has made overtures about moving to be nearer us. She isn't old yet but she's got an arthritic spine and her health isn't great. I will not be the person who ends up caring for her by default, it'd kill me. I feel if we continued with me trying and pretending, she'd have a greater claim on me (that's a bit fucked up though, I can see).

Hi Lady

Just read your post and I'm totally at your mums attitude. I understand if your mum's frustrated about her condition, BUT there is no excuse for being nasty to people if they haven't done anything against her.

I'm your mum has the gall to compare you mc's with her bleeding. That's totally uncalled for and inexcusable IMO. As for your step-dad, well, I wouldn't expect him to change his ways and set a decent example to your DC after being abusive to you.

Distance may not necessarily make the heart grow fonder, but, it does give you some breathing space to concentrate on your own family and what is best for them.

Let us know how things go and take care.

It sounds like the less contact the better tbh.

No grandparents are better than crap ones imo.

thanks all, suppose i just need people to tell me that im not being unreasonable. i doubt myself all the time and (as i said) feel guilty.

You are not being unreasonable! My mother is also fecking horrible, I have spent years justifying her behaviour and blaming myself. After counselling I am coping with it better I think.

I am glad that I haven't seen her for 5 years and I don't intend to ever see her again.

I do get a bit maudlin every now and again (around Xmas, mothers day, dd's birthday) and bemoan that no one in my family gives a shite about dd, she has no family apart from me, dh and sil. But really we are a very loving and close 'mini' family and it's an awful lot more than many children have - especially having both me and dh together.

I try to look at / concentrate on the positives, it isn't always easy though - I was raised to believe that life is about suffering and saying 'poor me' as often as possible!

I don't like her either! She sounds horrid. I know what you mean about feeling you should, feeling guilty and wanting, against all reason, for her to miraculously change and start caring. Lousy, innit? Still, you've made a great start with your thread title - you've told other people! To get a bit further, I also recommend counselling. A therapist can teach you many useful tricks (they call them tools) to detach emotionally from her.

By way of encouragement, I'm doing surprisingly well with mine. We're almost 'divorced' now

I agree that no grandparents are better than crap ones - you should just let her go out of your life. It sounds like she adds nothing positive at all - if she wasn't your biological progenitor you wouldn't have a thing to do with her, so lose her. You'll feel better and tons lighter when you do! :)

If this woman was not your mother, would you have anything to do with her? I wouldn't. She sounds pretty poorly to me, not just physically.

These people can cause massive damage.

I am coming up to my first anniversary of no contact with mine. This is the second and final time I have gone NC. I will not have any of that nonsense played out on, or around my kids. End of.

Life is good without her, it was horrid with her in it, and life is indeed short.

Hope that is helpful to you.

You are not, not, not at all unreasonable. If you don't want to cut her out altogether, make sure to set clearly-defined limits as to contact, and then stick to them! Make sure she learns to respect your boundaries, or at least abide by them. And she will have to learn it, over time and repeated experience, because it's not the way she's used to operating with you. But make it stick.

Can you arrange that there's always someone else present whenever she sees you or your children? I think it would be far better if you never again had to be alone with her, and it sounds like you could use an ally for moral support. FWIW you certainly have mine.

And yes, do confide in a counsellor. Your mother has clearly done long-term and unfair damage to your confidence so make sure you're able to talk about it to people you trust. Conversely, learn not to listen to people you don't. Like her. A deaf ear makes very useful armour.

Best of luck -

LADY I reqlly do sympathi with you. I could almost have written you post. I too have an abusive stepdad the only difference is that mother really couldnt care less about my 4 dc. I am a single parent and have 4 beautiful dc and work. not that I am asking 4 a medal as many others do the same but all my mother sees me and my dc as is a problem. I didnt speak to her for six months at all and regained contact about two months ago. I really dont think she will ever change though and my distancing from her made me see things a lot nore clearly so now I do see her but keep her at arms length so to speak as she doesnt really want to see me or the dc its just a chore for her and she never babysits or does anything hands on. That hurts as I wouldnt expect her to but it would be nice for her to offer so I could have a night out for my birthday or go to the hairdressers or something for me.

Maybe I am selfish but i just thought thats what mums did. It just makes me sad that my children dont have a proper grandmother to enjoy them and that I dont have anyone to share the precious moments with.

Amyway my rant over.

I wish you all the best.. It is hard but dont blame yourself its not you. I hope you just feel some comfort knowing you are not alone. xxx