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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cant believe its me posting this, another facebook relationship stinger

28 replies

mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:15

when i went to log in the FB this morning dh's came up and i stupidly looked at his msgs.
He had loads from one girl Ive never heard of, really long ones too, i only read one, where they initially made contact, i didnt even see when it was sent. She had suggested they meet up and he said that would be great as long as she's not a stalker or serial killer. She called him a beach babe at one point.
I couldnt readit all cos dh came downstairs and i asked him straight away.

He said i was being stupid, that she was an old friend from school and theyd been in contact for years. He said they had mentioned meeting but hadnt and said 'well youve met up with people you went to school with' which is true but i didnt keep it quiet.

Hes gone out now and said 'dont be in a mood, this is nothing'. He also offered to put his FB on so I could read all the msgs, which i declined.

Feel sick and sad Sad

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 11/09/2010 11:19

you dont believe his explanation then?

UtterlyDevastated · 11/09/2010 11:20

Sorry to hear this, going through crap myself so I know the sick and Sad feeling.

You should have taken him up on his offer I would have put your mind at rest.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:21

i dont know. I had huge trust issues when i met dh, he has never ever given me any reason to suspect hes up to no good and i had finally got to the point where i could trust him and now i feel im back to square one.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:23

utterley i wish i had now, because making stuff up in your head is often far worse than the real thing.

He has just txt to say that she is an old friend who he msgs every 4-5 months to say hello and that sometimes you just have to trust people, he had to! which is a dig at a minor indiscretion i had on FB

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 11/09/2010 11:24

Why are you back to square one? Just look at the messages and reassure yourself he isn't shaging her. Men and women can be friends, they can even hug without shaggeryfuckery ensuing.
If you refuse his offers to let you see the messages and basically sulk over what you don't actually know then all you will do is make yourself miserable and put up barriers between you - and that's what will really cause trouble.

UtterlyDevastated · 11/09/2010 11:25

ouch at the minor dig, unnecessary imo. Guess you can only ask to look and see what he says.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 11/09/2010 11:27

well, he said you could look - straight away, no chance for him to delete anything. He was perfectly happy for you to look at everything right there and then.

That would suggest to me that he has nothing to hide.

You chose to not look, when looking could have sorted this out. IF you look now, you will tell yourself that he had time to delete anything - but you could have looked before he would have had chance to delete anything!

Personally, I would take his instant, no hesitation, suggestion that you look at all his messages to mean he's nothing to hide.

When he comes back, talk to him. Tell him how you feel.

gettingeasier · 11/09/2010 11:27

Sorry dont do FB but if she is an old school friend who presumably he knows why would he say "as long as you're not a serial killer or stalker" . That doesnt add for me really.

I would ask to read the messages.

Sorry moss Sad

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:34

am i going to look a bit silly now by saying 'oh actually i will look at the msgs'. He cant change anything he has no internet access at the beach.

Cant talk to him later I am working nites

OP posts:
flibertygibet · 11/09/2010 11:41

When you say you had huge trust issues with dh, was that because of your own personal history or history with him.

You say he has never given you any reason to suspect he's up to no good so is this just you being insecure?

I have lots of male friends on fb that I message, as does my dh. There may be a reason why she called him 'beach babe' - maybe they went to the beach together when young?

Sometimes it's just curiosity that makes people meet up with old friends. I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

Northernlurker · 11/09/2010 11:41

You already look a bit daft tbh. Just look at the messages and then talk to him tomorrow. DO NOT build this up in to more than it is or allow it to rumble on or like I said you will put up barriers that will take a lot to get down again.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:45

oh no all totally my own issues, nothing to do with dh.

i have lots of male friends on fb too, but no one i wouldnt mind explaining to dh, nothing to hide on there. Hes always been a bit touchy when i ask who's this!

northern why do i look a bit daft? I know what you mean about building this up, that is classic 'me' i will sulk and build it up to some massive affair where he's secretly in love with her, when actually its probably (hopefully) nothing

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 11/09/2010 11:46

Look phone him up and ask for his fb log in. You will still want to know tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. He said you could look. Look, read through and then draw a line under it and enjoy the weekend.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:47

i have gtxt and asked for his log in detasils, hes suprisingly quiet Hmm or actually out in the sea!

OP posts:
Northernlurker · 11/09/2010 11:50

You said you would look silly and I was pointing out that tbh you already do as you found this, fussed about, refused to do the thing that would give you piece of mind and are now fussing about it some more. I don't want you to not find out about this some more simply because you think you will look daft when your behaviour is already well inj that category iyswim. I am deliberately being a bit brutal because I think that's what you need to keep you moving forward and NOT build this up in to something it isn't.

Northernlurker · 11/09/2010 11:50

Oh and well done for texting Smile

Original poster
mosschops30 · 11/09/2010 11:55

thankx NL, but still no reply from dh Sad

OP posts:
UtterlyDevastated · 11/09/2010 11:56

crossing my fingers for you moss, hopes it's nothing

Northernlurker · 11/09/2010 11:58

Yesterday at 3pm I got a text dh and sent me from a meeting at work at 12 noon the DAY BEFORE. Weird stuff happens plus he's probably in the sea as you say. DON'T see thngs that aren't there.

noddyholder · 11/09/2010 12:06

It really sounds like nothing

diddl · 11/09/2010 14:17

Well the serial killer/stalker thing makes it sound as if he doesn´t know her.Confused

And the offering to let OP look-well, he probably knew she´d refuse!

silver73 · 11/09/2010 14:30

What diddl says

Taghain · 11/09/2010 14:40

The serial killer/stalker thing means nothing if that was one of their first messages for years, it sounds like joking to me.
And calling a bloke who's likely to be at the beach a beach babe if the OW isn't at one, sounds normal too.

I think you're blowing this up out of all proportion, he offered to let you look and you turned it down - just put it out of your mind and don't worry.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 11/09/2010 14:41

FB does save passwords if you want it to - if you put in his email address does his password automatically come up?

Lulumaam · 11/09/2010 14:45

hang on, you had a minor facebook indiscretion.. and yet when DH has some messages, offers for you to look at all his history, you decline and have him written off as a cheat?