need to stop my seething resentment!

[driedapricots]

this is a long whinge, so apologies. i'm just after some words of wisdom from ladies who's marriage has been badly affected by having children...and i'm sure there must be a few of us! i have just had dc2 (7 weeks old) and am worried about the effect the sleepless nights are having on my marriage. i don't wake my dh in the night as it's not worth us both being up with baby but in the mornings he still lies in bed until it suits him to get up..leaving me to spring into action for dd 2.8yrs..often after no more than 3 hours broken sleep. at weekends he sometimes even takes himself off for an afternoon nap -this drives me utterly mad as i have had to watch him sleeping blissfully next to me all night and there are so many household chores to catch up on, plus if anyone should have a nap it's me! it's the age old issue between couples with young children i'm sure but it is really building up inside me to the point that at times i really hate him. saying that, once he's up he's usually good and is a great dad - today he has even taken both children to his parents for the day giving me first break in 7 weeks..i should be relaxing and enjoying it but instead i'm here on mumsnet seething with anger after this mornings shenanigans when he told me to stop being a martyr and stop whining about being tired as i get enough chances to sleep in the day (dd goes to nursery 2 days a week) -on thurs night he went out after work after working late for the past couple of weeks (which i have my suspicions he was over-egging to avoid coming home to the chaos of family life to be honest) - he said he needed to wind down - i need to bloody wind down too!!!! aggh, i could go on and on with the minutae of our rows but you get the gist. the thing is i know sometimes i am being unreasonable but i'd like to see how he would cope with the sleep deprivation plus long days with tantruming toddler and screaming baby. it strikes me that dads can dip in and dip out of parenthood to suit them. i know this phase will pass but am really worried about the lasting effect on our marriage, he wasn't this complacent with our first dd. has anyone else any experiences of this and advice to stop feeling so bloody angry with dh?! that's if you're not already bored with my deranged ranting. god, i'm actually starting to bore myself.

"Once he's up he's usually good and is a great dad"

I'm not surprised after all the rest he's got. I'm sure he'd be a grumpy dad if he had the same sleep as you!

'I know sometimes I'm being unreasonable' - well you've not pointed out this in your post.

Just this week there was a report citing that fathers have post natal depression too. It could be the enormity of a second child and the extra struggle with the finances. He may not be able to think long term due to depression.

You need to chat with him regarding your escalating frustrations, don't accept EVER that your disscussions are 'nagging', because this won't disappear.

When he's with the children, go to bed and get some sleep. Lock/bar the bedroom door, and put in some earplugs.

I am feeling exactly the same way right now :)
Though this is our first baby and we have only been parents for five weeks I am starting to resent my partner when he gets home tired from work, when he gets a full nights sleep in the spare room and just tonight (weekend) he made it sound like he was doing me a favor by sleeping with us.

I love being with my non sleeping baby but I feel like he thinks he works harder than me. Before we had the baby I was the more career focused one with two degrees so I feel like I've sacrificed a lot by staying home.

Rant rant.... I think every couple goes through this. I don't have the answers but just know you're not alone :)

Competitive tiredness! I remember it well! I used to want to kill DH too.

You need to wait for a time when you're feeling calm (I know, I know!!) and sit down and talk about it. Try to avoid implying he's a lazy git and shirking his responsibilities, but say how you're struggling here and need his help. Split the weekend lie-ins - you have one day til a certain time and he has the other. Are you BF'ing or could he cover one night's feeds for the baby?
And share out the daytime naps; have a couple of hours each in turn?

But I do, do sympathise! Good luck.

" i don't wake my dh in the night as it's not worth us both being up with baby but in the mornings he still lies in bed until it suits him to get up..leaving me to spring into action for dd 2.8yrs.."

Well, there is no point for him to wake up for the feeds at night IF you are breast feeding, but surely, he should not be having lie ins if the older child is already awake and causing havoc.

Talk to him and split the chores more fairly. The longer you live it, the more the children, house and everything becomes your only responsibility.

You can't have competitive tiredness when one person is a lazy obnoxious shirker and the other one is doing all the work.

Kick this lazy fucker in the manjo and tell him to stop being a martyr if he complains.

I have never met a man as useless as you describe.

There are two children, that's one each. You deal with the baby and the toddler is his job.

Why are you letting him treat you like his skivvy? Do you think you are a second class citizen? Because that's how he's treating you and you are pretending it's normal.

It's not. Lots of men take pride in pulling their weight around the home and love their wives too much to leave them all the shitwork while they sleep.

You don't need to stop your seething resentment, he needs to stop his appalling selfishness.

I hear you. I remember it well, and i only had the one child.

Its so hard when the breastfeeding stops them doing a night feed. But he can still get up early on the weekend with dd, and the baby after you feed him. You need as much shut eye as you can get. I didnt grab the naps when i had the chance, was too preoccupied doing housework. Then i got ill, very ill, and ended up with surgery and almost didnt make it.

You need to chill out while he is away, but tell him, yes, TELL him, the new rota when he gets home.

thanks ladies, it's reassuring to know it is not me going mad. just awake after 4 hours straight sleep (for the first time in 7 weeks!) and feel human, strong and ready to have the chat with him. let's hope he listens and isn't 'too tired' after his day with both children...

Hello driedapricots, just wondered how things are at home with DH? Could you maybe get a break from kids so you both could talk etc,? Grandparents or friend?