Was I abused?

[HidingSlightly]

Bit of a difficult one this, hence name change.

My parents split when I was seven. My mother found a new boyfriend.

I'm not sure how to explain this or put it in to any kind of meaningful sentances, but "things" would go on between me and him. I was a virgin, the product of the kind of domestic sexual education which denies even the existence of oral sex. No physical pleasure was derived by myself and flash backs are still experienced.

The reason I doubt the definition of abuse is that I was of age (16).

The man in question has since drank himself to death.

I still think of this, despite the fact that I know that my mother would quite rightly regard it as a gross betrayal.

Was this abuse? Given that I felt no pleasure?

IT was definitely a desperate violation of trust on his part. He was the adult placed in a position of apparently having "power" over you.

I don't see how it could possibly have been anything else other than abuse. If this male had been a boy of the same age at your school, and you were experimenting, then it might not be considered abuse.

With this man, couldn't be anything else.

Yes he was in a position of trust, so his behaviour was abusive. A 16 year old is still pretty much a child, imo, or certainly not an adult. I think most adult men would recognise this.

The wierd thing is, I did nothing to stop it happening, despite never feeling anything other than total humiliation. It was bizarrely paralysing.

If it wasn't for the flash backs I wouldn't care. At least he's dead.

How do you think he would have reacted, though?

I did nothing to stop my brother - unfortunately, he's not dead!! It doesn't mean I was any less exploited for someone else's gain!

I'm not entirely sure how he would've reacted, In public? Shame and remorse I know, in private? I dread to think.

I hope you are now in a happy place, Meow.

I wouldn't care but this thing sits there, waiting for random silly things to remind me of it. Very annoying.

The terrible cocktail of ignorance and fear seems to result in paralysis.

At least for the younger party, for those that abuse their positions, I have no idea what if anything they feel.

CPS definition for CMS flagging purposes
Crown Prosecution Service
The definition of child abuse as described by other agencies is wide. For the purposes of flagging on CMS, a definition is currently under discussion and will be notified to Areas once agreed. In the meantime, for the purposes of CMS flagging, the following types of cases will generally tend to fall within the category of child abuse:

The victim is under 18; the nature of the offence involves sex, violence, cruelty or neglect, abduction or kidnapping; the age of the offender is immaterial.

Do try and get some counselling try your GP or somone like www.helptoheal.co.uk/abuse-counselling.html.

Your mother is hiding from her own guilt, you need to get help for yourself. Good luck.

You were abused. He was a father figure, of course you didnt try to stop it, you would be so confused and he totally betrayed you and your mother.

Do you think your mother had an inkling? Was she always out when it occured?

I think some counselling would really help you put this behing you. Why let this shit ruin your life?

"despite never feeling anything other than total humiliation. It was bizarrely paralysing."

This alone makes it abusive. The fact that you were unable to do anything to stop it is neither here nor there - he was in a position of power (and trust).

so sorry this has happened to you.