DD feeling pushed out by XH's partner.

[MorganMindy]

I'm a long time lurker on here I rarely feel the need to post but I need some advice now.

I've just spent the last hour or so with my DD (9) crying on my lap because she feels left out now my XH has a partner.

Some background... Me and X split up five years ago so she was very young and hardly remembers us even being together. We share custody and he's been a great Dad.

I didn't hear of X having any partner until the DC (also have a DS) told me early in the year that they'd met 'Dad's Friend' and her DD and spent the day with them. To be honest I was very pleased for him (and still am in lots of ways).

Things seemed to move very quickly though, they went away on holiday together and they spend a lot of time together.

I found out tonight that although my DD had seemed fine with everything she's been putting on a front. She was sobbing that Daddy didn't cuddle her any more as he was always cuddling his DP on the sofa, he didn't listen to my DD any more as his DP is always there and they're always talking to each other. It sounds like they don't even eat in the same room any more, kids in the kitchen and grown ups in the living room.

Apparently she has tried to say something to her Dad but he wouldn't listen and said she was being silly, if she wanted a cuddle she just had to ask.

It seems that his DP (and her DD) are at his house most of the time now and my DC feel like they're not getting any time on their own with him any more. This has all happened within the last 8 months or so and they think it's all a bit fast and they're struggling to adjust.

My DD wants me to tell my X and sort it all out for her and this is my dilemma. How do I tell him this without seeming like I'm trying to cause trouble? What if she is exaggerating (she's not a liar or drama queen but has been known to put a "creative spin" on things to make a point)? I'm thinking that an email to him where I try to just state what my DD has told me and how she's feeling would be best. Any advice from the numerous wise MNers out there on how to deal with this?

TIA

It sounds like you have an OK relationship with him, so just bring it up. Say what you've said here - that DD has said she is unhappy with these things. They are only small, but it would make a big difference to her if he made a bit more effort to spend time with her when he is also with his DP. I know kids sometimes exaggerate, but if she is crying then I think you need to chat about it.

how is your relationship with him? are you usually able to talk througha ny issues with him? i can totally understand your hesitance though because you don't know how the new partner might react o this. she might feel it is a personal attack but tbh, i think you do need to talk to him fo ryour dd. she has already tried herself and he hasn't taken her seriously so you need to let him know she is really hurting. he probably doesn't realise teh effect it is having on her.

Agree with fuchsia and booyhoo you need to talk to him. I wouldn't send an email I would talk face to face or if not possible, by phone. No accusations just trying to let him know what's going on with his child.

Wow, that was quick!

We get on ok but he is very difficult to talk to when it's something he's done, will go on the defensive straightaway and is awful if he feels even slightly criticised (any wonder that he's my ex!).

I would hope that as it's his DD he wouldn't be an *rse but I can forsee the conversation turning into a slanging match (he still resents that I left him but hides it very well normally).

Don't get into a slanging match then. If it starts heading that way, just say 'Well, I just thought I'd tell you what DD told you. It's up to you whether you think it's a problem'. Presumably he doesn't want to hurt DD's feelings, so he will probably then be on the lookout for things that might upset her. By doing this, you avoid it turning into a situation where you are being right and he is being wrong, which it sounds like he might have a problem with.

You really think I should do it face to face then? How about on the phone? [coward emoticon]

Face to face is good as no one gets to hang up (though can walk off obviously) but if too hard then by phone is good too. Be brave - it's your girl who is hurting - brave but diplomatic so she isn't pissed off.

Thank you all for the advice. I know I need to be strong for my girl. Actually, face to face is going to be very difficult as we only ever see each other during handovers and obviously don't want to do it when DC around. Will try to find some time to call him and have it out I think. At least I can hang up if he starts being a sh*t to me.

Do try to use I language. So try to put the whole thing as how DD is feeling, that she is missing her talks with her Dad, the DCs are missing time just with him, and that DD in particular was crying about it. Don't suggest what he could do, but ask him if he has any ideas of what he could do? As DD is missing him etc.

Try to work out your script first. Do even ask him to talk to his new P about it, as she probably understands how emotional girls of this age can get. Lay it on thick, and make it clear you are not criticising him, but just want to let him know what DD has said, as she is feeling shy (or doesn't feel she has time to talk to him).

Good luck! (Maybe read Getting to Yes to top up your knowledge of negotiating skills.)

Your DD and your DS still need one-on-one and one-on-two time with their father now he has a new partner. I think you can gently remind him of this!

I would tell your ex that you realise that life as a family and with step parents is different and everyone has to rub along together- it is juts that your dd is "feeling" very sensitive about this and put out - which of course is very natural... but can they just be aware that she is feeling senstive and wants a bit of TLC in large doses