I feel so let down, but can't do anything about it...

[justanangryrant]

So, my Mum...in the last 2 years she has moved house 5 times (each time leaving unpaid rent) and moving in and out with a man she?s taken up with. I never hear from her now unless she wants something (she lived about 100 yards from us at one point and I never saw her.)

She?s borrowed over £3000 from me (and still owes me £1000) and got me to stand guarantor on the last house she lived. She promised that she wouldn?t let me down and I told her that she?d had all of our spare money.

She moved again and I?ve just found out that she didn?t hand the keys back and owes £1600 rent, which I now have find. I?m so upset that she could do this to me.

Turns out her partner was going to hand them in. That he?s had them sitting in his car for the past 3 months. That he forgot. Every part of me thinks he?s done this on purpose. I think it?s part of a campaign of control and isolation and he?s trying to get rid of me. He?s just like my Dad. I know I shouldn?t let him, but I?m not sure I can put up with being used anymore.

This guy is known as a complete prick by everyone in our area. Known to bleed his women dry and then dump them; known for his violent and controlling behaviour; never had a job and spouts the most unbelievable bullshit. She?s well aware of his history too (she said she knows he beat his last girlfriend black and blue, but he won?t do that to her.)

But, he?s already emotionally abusive: She told my sister that he was constantly telling her she was disgusting and refused to share a bed with her. Left the room whenever she undressed because she ?makes him feel sick?, calls her a cunt, tells her she?s useless. We?ve tried to tell her this is controlling and abusive, but she thinks we?re overreacting and won?t listen. He?s unpredictable and exciting (they?ll go out for lunch and end up at the seaside...that sort of thing) and I guess she?s drawn to that.

I?m so angry that she got into this situation again (after going through the same thing with my Dad.) That she won?t help herself. That she?s willing to fuck us all over for this prick. That my sisters and I are so sick with worry (I?m covered in eczema now.)

I just want to say, ?You pushed me too far, don?t ask for anything from me again. Don?t call me again until he?s gone.?

That's hard, justa, really hard.

I think the only thing you can do is to be there for her when and if she needs it, as long as it doesn't destroy you. Keep some boundaries, try NOT to get over involved.

Main thing is that you neve, and I mean EVER lend her a single pence again. Never stand guarantor for her.

How is she supporting herself? do you have any hope of getting the money back from her? What about HIM, tap him for the cash. Tell him to sign over the car to you and you will give it back when the £1600 is paid.

Give him a deadline and sell it if he doesn't cough up.

Sadly, she has placed this prick above everyone, even herself. Tell her that you love her, but that you don't like her very much.

Sadly, i think you need to distance yourself from her.

justanangryrant - have you posted about your mother before? Specifically, about the time when she asked you to stand as guarantor? And a car?

I think LMH is right about not lending money again. I do wonder if you need to set some firmer boundaries, too. Sadly, I think she is damaging you.

It sounds actually, properly heart-breaking. She sounds like a sad, damaged person, who you love and want to care for. But, sadly, that damage is being extended to you.

I agree that her partner sounds appalling, and cannot believe it's going to end welI. But you say he is the latest in a line of this type. She, sadly, needs to get help. With the best will in the world, it sounds as though you have tired, and failed, to intervene, or get her to help herself. So perhaps you can't. For some reason, perhaps you will not be the person who is able to bring that about. I can't imagine how painful it is to watch your mother in this position, and find that you cannot prevent it.

I hope you can find a way of protecting yourself from this, and not feeling guilty about that. You shouldn't.

I haven't posted before no. It was just hearing he'd had those keys in his car (the car my Mum bought him) for two months made something snap.

It's so exasperating. There's nothing I can do and I've just got to try to be a bit more buddhist about it.

Dh has been saying for years how childish and selfish she is and it's only since having kids of my own I've realised he's absolutely right. I hate it when that happens.