How do I finally get some self esteem?

[beanie35]

Im a fairly regular poster/lurker who has named changed for this post.
The last few years of my marriage have been difficult to say the least: long term unemployment,caring for elderly relative, miscarriages and progressively awful verbal abuse from my husband.
A few months ago I left my husband, taking my child with me. I couldn't stand another day of his anger and frustration directed towards me for his dissatifaction with the way things had gone against us in life over the last decade. I was heartbroken, I loved and still love him, as does my child (not his biologically). He is now living back with his family many hundreds of miles away and my child and I are in our own place again. After a month of no contact we started talking again, he is taking anger management classes and his family support me 100% in telling him I don't want him back until he can well and truly (if ever)prove himself.
Anyway, the point is my child and I are slowly healing ourselves emotionally and I am starting to realise that I have been a doormat, not only with my husband but with most other people including workmates, family, friends. Im starting to see that I am very gulliable, and willing to do almost everything for an easy life, including taking crap from anyone.
I feel guilty if I think of myself, and realise I always settle for whatever is thrown my way. How do I, at nearly 40 get some confidence? Is it too late, where do I begin?

Sport. I know it's cliche, but get thyself to a gym, lift weights and learn how powerful your body is. Coming to love your body will lead to you wanting to feed it well and fuel an interest in nutrition. Before you know it you'll be feeling more confident than you ever have been.

(Sorry, I know it's cliche , and I pooh-poohed it for years... then I did it. Figured out me, met a nice man, fell in love, had a baby, etc.)

Not necessarily sport. Although I accept that having a good body helps. What are you good at? Or even, what do you like which you might get good at? Who do you enjoy being with? What have you always wanted to do but haven't got around to doing? You are not even 40 - you have stacks of time left. Its pretty common to feel like a doormat when you have kids even if you have a good man. Start thinking of yourself and get out there and try things out.

Beanie , i think this is very common , and its never too late . I think women are sometimes expected to be ok doing everything for everybody and being " nice " , it can feel selfish and guilty to say No . How about some counselling for yourself ?

Either way , perhaps start treating yourself as you would your best freind ? You wouldnt expect your best freind to put up with crap , in fact youd probably get cross on her behalf , nor would you expect her to run around doing everything for everyone. I found as soon as i started saying No i started to feel better , and it got easier.

Ive had to dump some " freinds " along the way , and learnt some boundarys , although i didnt even know what they were initially. Ive said it before on here , but even my dog used to bully me , it was ridiculous. You can do it , theres lots of interesting information on the net about personal boundarys , and its quite easy to implement.
If i can do it anyone can , i was such a sap youd have laughed.

Thanks for your replies. I do enjoy keeping fit, especially walking, infact I have lost over a stone in the last few weeks mainly through heartache/stress and also from walking aimlessly for miles sometimes. I could do with putting on some weight, but you're right I could do something else to keep fit, maybe pilates or Yoga.

The idea of treating myself like a best friend is sound advice, but feels so alien to me. If I get my eyebrows waxed I feel vain and selfish I have always wanted to learn to dance so I suppose I could look into that.
Thanks again.

beanie from now on treat yourself with the same respect and love that your child deserves. not only will that show your chid how to accept a reasonable level of respect, it will protect you from further damage to your self esteem.
onwards and upwards :)

Beanie - any chance of going for weekly counselling to talk all this through and learn to rewrite the script in your head? It can be hard to act differently until you understand why you act the way you do.

there are some great sites on the web that explain why low self esteem and how to improve it!

Dear OP, it is never too late to do anything.

I recommend that you find something that you are good at (I am good at baking and crafts). Work your way up from Beginner level to Advanced level. The result of this is that what you make will naturally inspire admiration and respect from others which in turn will raise your self esteem. You could even end up teaching these skills and that can only boost your self confidence.

It sounds like 'fluff' but you only have to look at the numerous blogs by women showcasing their cooking, crafts, makeup tutorials etc skills to see how much of a difference they've had on their lives.

Good luck!

"If I get my eyebrows waxed I feel vain and selfish"

Oooh, this was me till my H left and I discovered the rejuvenating powers of beauty treatments!

I try to do one 15-min treatment a day, as well as loads of eercise and very healthy eating (and no booze) (fun! ).

They can be --

• A pore strip
• Dying eyelashes
• Face pack
• Hair deep-conditioning treatment
• Glycolic acid peel
• Manicure/pedicure
• Fake tan
• Body exfoliate/moisturise
• Rubbing bio-oil into any stretchmarks/unsightly bits
• Eyebrow pluck
• Leg wax/shave
• Bubble bath
• Decluttering of old, unflattering clothes/shoes

For self-esteem, I started on the outside and worked inwards. I figured it made more sense that way, as looking better immediately meant I felt better, but looking better also made other people think I was feeling better.

Nothing worse than trying to tell someone how awesome you're now feeling while they pat your hand and go, "Yes dear, of course you do." Much better to walk into a party (or the school playground, like I did yesterday) to be greeted with loads of compliments.

And do tons of stuff that scares you. Stuff you've been putting off. I've done loads of that since H walked and each one has raised how I feel about myself. I took the kids on holiday by myself, drove 100 miles on the motorway (I had a phobia about it), went to dinner and the cinema on my own, joined a social goup in a local pub, etc...

Supreme self confidence CD Paul Mckenna

Or the book, (which comes with a free CD) Instant Confidence. - Paul Mckenna.

Fantastic resources, and will really change the way you feel about yourself. His stuff is amazing, honestly.

Or if you can afford it, a few hypnotherapy sessions. But make sure you record them so you can listen again and again.

With this and all the other suggestions on here, you'll be feeling fantastic in no time!

Yes! Thanks fo the reminder of that Paul McKenna CD, freedomfrom. I've got that, it's awesome.

I can recommend a book: Boosting Self Esteem for Dummies (for Dummies series)

I realise the title is ironic, but it has really helped me!

I heartily support your dance class idea. Apart from anything else, it's a laugh - and you gain in grace, agility & core strength into the bargain. Another good idea is to revive interests you had a long time ago. While I was still in London, I went back to seeing obscure films and loved it; I'd forgotten how clever I was!!

I make posters about my more wonderful qualities, but I'm an old hand at this now - the very idea probably makes you cringe. Here are a few less in-your-face ideas that work:

• Each night, before you go to sleep, write down 3 or more things that went really well for you that day. Large or small, doesn't matter. Have a notebook for this purpose, so all your achievements are in one place.
• Whenever anyone pays you a compliment, write it down in your notebook.
• Make flash cards of affirmations (useful reminders, like "I have the same rights as anyone else", "I am confident & competent", etc). Keep them in your handbag and use them.
• Read this Assertiveness primer.
• First thing ever day, look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself your best smile. :)